Confronting 'Old School' Sexism in the Workplace and Beyond

This is a series of posts designed to help people approach diversity and inclusion. These are questions and scenarios we’ve actually heard or seen in the wild. This is part of our corporate programming for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. For more information, click here.

I have this partner in our company who is in his 70s. He means well. But he says stuff that makes me cringe… like he asked a female vendor to smile on Zoom recently. Sometimes he has pearls of wisdom, but more often I find myself wanting to uninvite him to events and client meetings because I have been told by participants and clients that he is out of touch. How do I tell this older guy who thinks he’s an ally that he has to clean up his act?

Sadly, the situation with your partner is an all too familiar experience both in the workplace and out. There are many people who, if asked, would say they are supporters and advocates for feminism but don’t really understand what that means or all the ways they are actually continuing to contribute to sexism. This is why it is so critical that we are all willing to speak up when we see prejudice in action, even if we know the person means well. Speaking up is the only way to educate people about what it truly means to be an ally.

Since you are sharing that you believe your partner is trying to support feminism and be an ally but just doesn’t really know how, I would encourage you to have a private conversation with him first. Find a time to meet with him and share your concerns so that hopefully he can begin to see the impact of his behavior and make some changes.

When challenging any type of discrimination, it is crucial that you are clear, direct and confident in your message. You do not want to ‘beat around the bush’ and risk that the message doesn’t get through. The issue is way too important to dance around it. That being said, you also want to be sure that you convey your message in a way that your partner (or whomever you are speaking to) is most likely to hear. Research conducted by Dr. John Gottman showed that, when expressing a concern or sharing a complaint, the way the conversation starts is very important since it predicts how the entire conversation will go 96% of the time. Meaning, if the conversation starts tense and aggressive, most likely it will not end well, which means your message will not have been heard. On the other hand, if it starts gently and collaboratively you have a good chance that it will end well and your message will get through.

To ensure that you give your message the best chance at being heard, I encourage you to follow what Dr. Gottman calls a Gentle Start Up. A Gentle Start Up consists of how you feel, what you’re concerned about and what you need. It is also important to add something positive to your message. Additionally, if you feel the need to share a consequence, such as the potential of legal liability under anti-discrimination laws, you can add that as well.

For example, you may say something like, “I really enjoy having you in our meetings as you have so many pearls of wisdom to share. Sometimes, however, I feel uncomfortable/upset/concerned about some of the comments made to the participants in our meeting and I believe it makes them uncomfortable as well. Although I am sure you do not intend to make others uncomfortable, I need you to be aware of the things you say and truly be an ally for combating sexism in our work environment. If these comments don’t change, I will need to stop inviting you to the meetings.” Of course you will need to decide what you want to share in terms of feelings, needs and consequences but you get the gist.

By communicating in this manner, you are being clear about your concerns while also communicating the positive aspects you see in him and giving him the benefit of the doubt. In this way you are showing him that you are both on the same side and can work together to make the workplace fair, equal and non-discriminatory. Of course, whether or not he hears you is up to him. But at the very least you have planted the seed and been true to yourself.

Hopefully he will receive the message and make the necessary changes. If, however, things do not turn around you will need to figure out your next step in setting boundaries and reinforcing equality in the workplace. There are many options for what you could do next including speaking up in the moment, sharing your concerns with someone higher up, limiting his exposure to clients where you can, etc.

If approaching him in private is ineffective, it is important to speak up in the moment to ensure that he (and everyone else for that matter) get the message that sexism is not going to be tolerated, taken lightly or dismissed. Speaking up in the moment is also important to do because, if you choose to avoid the conversation and just cut your partner out of meetings, he will likely engage in the same behavior in other situations. You will be missing an opportunity to potentially prevent him from alienating people in his other business interactions.

There are several ways you can speak up including:

-Make a simple but clear comment that his behavior is unacceptable, such as ‘We do not tolerate comments like that here’ or ‘comments like that are unacceptable.’

-Get him to think about what he just said with a questions such as ‘Would you make the same comment to a male colleague?’ Or ‘How would you feel if someone said that to your wife/daughter/mother at work?’

-If humor is a strength of yours, you could also choose to make a humorous comment to address the situation and get him to think about his actions.

If speaking to your partner privately and/or challenging him in the moment continues to be unsuccessful, you may need to take additional steps such as communicating your concerns to HR and/or following through with setting boundaries around his participation in meetings when possible. But whatever you do, do not give up. Your colleagues, clients and yourself deserve to have a safe, inclusive work environment and none of us should rest until this is accomplished. If you refuse to tolerate sexism, others will follow and this is how real change occurs.

In fact, I would encourage you to take your concerns a step farther and think about ways you can create change within your entire workplace, not just with this one individual. When others express discomfort and a desire for change as well, it opens the door on an opportunity for you to band together to combat sexism, which can be even more powerful and effective than fighting it alone. Perhaps a group of employees can approach HR and voice their concerns. Hearing concerns voiced by a group of people can help highlight the severity of the issue and push for more action to take place. Or you can approach your CEO about joining forces and taking a stand to tackle sexism on a systems level.

However, you don’t necessarily have to wait for others to create change. You could also form a group of allies that work together to combat sexism in the workplace. It can be easier to advocate for equal rights when we have the support of others empowering us to do so. When groups and organizations address the issue of sexism (or any type of discrimination for that matter) on a systems level, the change can be much more profound than when we address the issue on an individual level. The unfortunate situation you are experiencing provides the opportunity for you and your colleagues to make changes and a have a real impact on a much larger scale. The wider of an audience we can reach, the more change that will occur.