“Shame on you!” “You should be ashamed of yourself!” “What did she expect wearing that outfit?”
Are these harmless admonitions or destructive weapons? Have you said them or had them said to you? Is the feeling of shame so ingrained in us from an early age that we automatically take it on and make it our own even when someone else does something to us?
We’re talking about shame, not guilt. Guilting focuses on the act that leads to the messaging, “What I did was bad,” while shaming targets who the person is, so the message they carry forward is, “I am bad.” Imagine how paralyzing that can be. Or maybe you don’t have to imagine; maybe you are experiencing it—as so many others are—right now.
The immediate and astounding popularity of Dr. Brené Brown’s 2010 TEDx Houston talk showed the public’s interest in the topic of shame. We were interested because subconsciously or consciously we carried shame and didn’t know what to do with it other than continue to try to bury it deeper and deeper. Brené’s words,
Shame can’t survive being spoken. Shame needs 3 things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgment,
accompanied me during the weeks leading up to the public sharing of my secret which I had kept buried inside me for over 38 years. As soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was convinced I had to share my shame regardless of the results or it would literally kill me. It was internally devouring me.
It took six more years to find the right time and place along with the necessary courage to say the words out loud. I found myself doing just that in front of the Nevada State Legislature, telling my story of being trafficked for over six years while testifying for a bill supporting increased penalties against human traffickers. And a miracle happened.
Brené was right; shame didn’t survive being spoken. After decades of living the imposter syndrome and fearing rejection and scorn, my shame was swept away by the tsunami of love and support I was surprisingly greeted with after I said the scary stuff out loud. Speaking my shame conquered my shame. Since then, I’ve witnessed many others enjoy the same results in their own unique ways by embracing the knowledge that speaking your shame begins the process of conquering your shame.
You don’t have to testify in a public hearing or become an advocate of an issue to conquer your shame. Just sharing your shame with one trusted person can unleash your power. However, if you do choose to share it more widely, be ready for stunning results.
I was generously given credit for the passing of the bill and was even referred to as “the heart of the bill” by the Chairman of the committee because personal testimony—sharing our truth—cuts through the thickest of bureaucracy and the indifference of those used to judging instead of understanding. Here are the results of the bill, 2013’s AB 67, that passed unanimously through both houses. Raising your voice raises awareness and that’s where transformation happens.
TIP: When you are ready to begin the journey of conquering your shame, be gentle with yourself, move slowly and thoughtfully, and confide in a trusted family member, friend, therapist or spiritual guide first. The year before I was asked to testify, I spoke to a closed group of students, teachers and counselors at the school I had graduated from decades earlier, which was a school of detention for kids who had gone through the judicial system. When I knew I was going to testify publicly, I visited close friends and clients to warn them before they heard the news through the media. This helped prepare me not only for what parts of my story to share, but also for the unexpected positive responses.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Tools to improve your writing and platform-building skills, a community to get you connected, and access to our editors and publisher. Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: Shutterstock