Corporate Doublespeak

This is a post of idioms and cliches using simple observations from a life in the corporate workforce, public sector, government contracting, and military service; primarily as a project manager.

Most Project Managers just want to be left alone to do their projects. Any outside influences upon their actions to complete their project are viewed as non-value added obstacles, necessary evils — the primary of which is the required status report to the boss and incessant project meetings (not called by themselves).

In retrospect, over the years there were several situations I encountered.

Facts don’t matter, perceptions do.
Win the battle lose the war.
The emperor has no clothes — my favorite.
Saved rounds and alibis.
Chicken and the pig.
The elephant in the room.
Shoot the messenger.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Pink unicorn.
Self-licking ice cream cone.
BLUF

My goal is self-reflection and sharing insights that may, optimistically, be of use.

Facts Don’t Matter

I recall presenting a gas turbine expansion analysis to a Utility “Board.” We were comparing the cost of base-load coal power generation against a 500-MW combined-cycle gas turbine and a bank of multiple 100-MW watt single-cycle gas turbines. Many assumptions go into such an analysis, all thoroughly researched and documented, including complicated computer modeling; meaning we didn’t just make it up. So we present it to a mid-level executive board, i.e. before it goes to the CEO. During the presentation, the VP of Fuels asks us what value we used for the cost of (natural) gas. Mind you, we didn’t use “a” value, we used a range based on published industry forecasts, all put into a Monte-Carlo model. The VP says I don’t like that price, I think you should use “x”. Of course that changed the whole analysis and outcome hence the recommendation to the CEO; all based on a mid-level VP’s random opinion about what he wanted the price of fuel to be to drive to an outcome he wanted. That’s how some things get done.

Win the Battle Lose the War

I recall working on a proposal to a government entity that had a tight proposal and award timeline. The proposal had a drop-dead due date that we were working furiously to deliver. About two weeks before it was due we had a meeting with the Client to discuss the status and coordinate the proposal delivery logistics. One of the Client reps announces at the meeting that they need the proposal a week earlier, without a reason why. We hem-and-haw about it, pointing out the challenges in doing what he asked and the resultant impact on the quality of our proposal and ultimately their work product. A more senior Client rep intercedes and informs us all that the original timeline will stand. A week goes by, I get a call from the Client rep who wanted it early. They ask me, “are you going to get me the proposal tomorrow?”

What, wait a minute, you were at the same meeting last week where we discussed that. “We’re on track to get it to you next week as we discussed, as per the actual due date.” They say that’s not going to work. If we get it to them next week they won’t be available to receive it and then they won’t be able to award the project by the needed date. I inquire why they won’t be able to review it. They say they are going to be on vacation, at Disney World no less. The discussion digressed from there. I won the battle but lost the war.

The Emperor Has No Clothes

We produced high-level briefings for Go-Fo’s and SES’s (Generals/Flag Officers-Admirals, Senior Executive Services) on super important stuff. This was conducted in an extremely glitzy tech-heavy secure production center with live video feeds and impressive PowerPoint graphics. Make no mistake, it was impressive. The reality is it was all for show. Those of us in the room were often left expressing the Emperor has-no-clothes. Meaning, no one will admit or tell the boss what is really going on. He is, after all, the Emperor. Basically, we never used the fancy stuff for its intended purpose, we just used it to impress people.

As an aside, at Christmas time we used that same facility and its capability to live track an elusive target over a critical time-sensitive operation — Santa Claus on his delivery mission. I always thought that was appropriately ironic.

The Emperor Has No Clothes II

At a local governmental organization an often-heard question from the public, and at times internally while working on a project, is “Why don’t you run this like a business?” Ah, because it’s not a business, and it’s subject to the whims of a board of elected officials whose main objective is to continue to get elected. And, oh yeah, we have mountains of bureaucracy to contend with. Mind you all legitimate because as a public entity we are risk averse and stewards with citizens’ direct tax dollars, and we have to be fully funded at project initiation, and at the public comment when the dollars are going to be approved there are going to be crazies.

I recall specifically an issue before the board, actually two: There was a $120 million or so project for a Solid Waste processing center that was fraught with issues; project overruns and scheduling delays — that got approved by consent, meaning no discussion by the board, nor sorely any necessary oversight. But, this project wasn’t sexy or controversial, and most people didn’t understand it, or frankly care. It was after all just a garbage processing site.

At the same time, there was a $20,000 item for a senior Administrator’s support staff supplies, I remember it included filing cabinets. You bet that was pulled from consent, debated extensively, rejected, and revised extensively by the board, requiring its full attention and concerned involvement. This even included newspaper articles about public excess and waste — over filing cabinets. You may say but it was $20,000, for filing cabinets? You’d be shocked to see how much things actually cost to get done in local government. It just does. Those trees and landscaping on the highway, those lights on the road, eminent domain — $$$.

Saved Rounds and Alibi’s

At the close of many meetings in the military, the person in charge goes around the room after announcing “saved rounds and alibis?” I remember my first meeting when I heard this, I thought it was brilliant. I get to hold back and/or revise my comments til the end, without retribution — I get a pass. I’m in on that one. Unfortunately, at that time I had no clever response. But, the next time I was ready.

I wish life had some “saved rounds and alibis.”

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The Chicken and the Pig

One of my favorite commercials was one where two consultants are giving an executive their report on what he needs to do to straighten out the company. The exec says “great ideas, go do that.” They reply, “oh, we don’t actually do anything, we just provide ideas.”

This is an example of the Chicken and the Pig.

The chicken and the pig are having a discussion about what to have for breakfast. The chicken says, “let’s have bacon and eggs.” The pig says, “that’s easy for you to say, you’re involved but I’m committed.” Offices, boardrooms, teams, meetings, etc. are full of too many chickens — not enough pigs; they got skin in the game.

The Elephant in the Room

We can’t talk about that! Typically that’s about an individual, typically one that has positional power, that we are forced to work around. Eventually, those workarounds become so ensconced and resource-sapping that they become the issue. Regardless, we march on without addressing the true need and source of our problems.

In life, the “Elephant” is often in the room.

Shoot the Messenger

I recall the time we had a pre-meeting before the meeting to prep what we were going to tell the boss. We went over risks, basically hitting the obvious which were non-consequential (i.e. it was more about the exercise of pretending we were addressing risks rather than actually doing anything about the real risk). When the muckety-mucks were done, saying “that’s all of them,” I interjected, “what about this?” The Directors in the room all conferred with the VP. “Well, we can’t really do anything about that one, so we’re gonna just move on (pretend it’s not there, like an ostrich’s head in the sand.

Well, we go to the big “approval” meeting, a “White Team” review, for our $28M business proposal. We get to the slide deck (there is always a slide deck, packed to the brim with fancy graphics, fonts, bullet points, etc.) and the ubiquitous Risk slide. Go figure, the Senior VP in the room insightfully says, “What about ‘x’? (of course, it wasn’t on the slide deck, it was the issue I brought up that my bosses passed over). Dead silence (note there were about 25 of us on the Zoom call, including a couple of VPs (one being my boss) and a handful of Directors. After an awkward pause of nothing but crickets, the Senior VP says to my boss (call him Dave)…“Dave?” Still crickets….I know what is going to happen next…“Steve (that’s me)?” I proceed to address her question very specifically. I get about halfway through and “Dave” finally pipes in and proceeds to deflect the Senior VP’s concerns, a no-answer answer. Teflon.

At the post-meeting (there is always a post-meeting), guess who gets the dressing down? Me, for engaging with the SVP. Hierarchy and protocol be damned. No good deed goes unpunished.

Do as a Say, Not as I Do

I worked in a job where security was paramount and the information we dealt with was sensitive, requiring certain elevated security protocols.

Our Security Manager had taken the day off. We had a critical need for information only they had access to. I called them and explained our dilemma. They told me I could sign on to their computer and get the information. “Ok, I guess. What do I know, I’m the new guy.” I power up their laptop, enter the username they gave me, and at the password prompt I say, “I need your password.” Sure, they say, “It’s on a sticky under the keyboard!” Nuff said.

Pink Unicorn

As in, the Client is looking for a pink unicorn, as in it doesn’t exist, but they still want it.

We had a case where the Client wanted a certain “thing,” at the corner of walk and don’t walk, meaning it had no business being there, they wanted it simply because. They had their (good) reasons. We delivered it. They complained it took too long, took too much money, didn’t fit when it got there, etc. Of course, it didn’t it was a pink unicorn. It’s like asking for a 7–11 on the South Pole and then asking why it’s not making any money.

Self-Licking Ice Cream Cone

This is the case of knowingly producing self-serving work that yields no productive benefit. Most often this was in the form of never-ending minutia on PowerPoint slides; often also passed around amongst each other with endless edits of which none of it actually gets presented. It’s busy work, often meant to yield the appearance of productivity and purpose. When in fact it’s just the good idea ferries running amok. What purpose does that serve? None, but isn’t this a fabulous ice cream cone!

BLUF — Most Useful Term from the Military

Loved this one. That’s me in a nutshell. No trimmings, no fluff, no excess, to the point, facts, what I need to know, what you want from me. Bottom Line Up Front. Most applicably, this is used in emails but can be applied to briefings, meetings, and personal interactions. The problem is, it’s transactional.

The magic is truly in the making, the relationship, not the BLUF. It’s (still) taking me years to grasp that.

. . .

What I’ve Learned

Cynically

No one is truly your friend. When your use is expended, you are expendable.
When you’re gone it will be crickets, don’t expect calls from others to check up on you.
In most cases, those that would call you, are also gone. Leaders change in organizations with regularity. The leader who would have your back may have moved onward on their own accord, or fallen prey too.
Everyone is expendable.
People are the real obstacle.
Take charge of your own career. The calvary; your loved ones, your friends, your parents, your coworkers, or even lawyers are not going to fill the gap.
Life is transactional.

Optimistically

It was a fun ride.
People get things done.
Relationships are the true strengths.
We’re all learning and growing, all is for good.
Everyone is just trying to get ahead, survive the day, and do good — doing their best with what they have.

Life, and its joy, is in the experience, love it regardless of the cynical parts.

Disclaimer: My posts are simply personal observations, experiences, and perspectives meant to share information. I claim no professional advice be it financial, health, spiritual, or otherwise.

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This post was previously published on ILLUMINATION.

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