Courage

I have heard the word “courage” defined in many ways…the ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief; mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear or difficulty. I have heard it described as being afraid but doing whatever needs to be done anyway. Courage has taken on a whole new meaning for me recently.

I see it in a whole new way. I still believe it requires great courage to perform a heroic feat. I still believe courage is standing up for what I believe, standing up for other’s rights. I see new moments of courage now, including moments that are typically overlooked as insignificant and the moments of normalcy that are never recognized…

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It’s early morning, my alarm is incessantly beeping. I want nothing more than to turn it off and go back to sleep. I am quite possibly more exhausted than I was when I fell into bed the night before. I hit the off button, sigh/groan and roll out of bed…courage

The kids arrive home late from overnight visitation with their other parent. They are tired, crabby, hungry and not at all ready for school. They walk in the door complaining, demanding breakfast, asking for help in choosing what to wear for the day. I take a deep breath, pick out clean shirts and offer toast for breakfast…courage

We are running late. I am getting ready for work in the bathroom. My teenage son still needs to shower and asks me to hurry. I ask “Why didn’t you shower earlier?” He shrugs. I stop getting ready and let him have the bathroom. Better I am late for work than he miss the bus…courage

My daughter has a death grip around my neck as she sits on my lap. She has tears in her eyes from being too tired and missing me last night. I pry her arms from around my neck and gently push her out the door…courage

I shut the door with tears in my own eyes, take a deep breath and ask for more grace. I have been awake for less than 1 hour and know I will never have enough energy to make it thru the day on my own…courage

I head off to a job that I do not enjoy, that does nothing more for me than provide money to feed, clothe and shelter my children. The boredom is sometimes more than I can take…courage

I pick my kids up from school. They are even more tired and crabby than they were this morning. I drive them to their counseling appointments. While they moan, groan and complain that they don’t want to go today, I know that they are too tired and just want to go home. I sigh and keep driving…courage

The counselor calls me in with my son for the session. He asks me what improvements I have noticed and what I think he still needs to work on. I am blindsided by this so have had no time to prepare an answer. I look at my son and tell the truth. He has come a long way but there is still a need for more counseling. My son is hurt, disappointed and frustrated. He was hoping to cut back on the sessions. I reach out to touch his arm, he pulls away, not looking at me any longer. I excuse myself from the room…courage

It’s 7:00 PM. We are back home again. I am exhausted and trying to make supper. My 17-year-old son tells me his other parent wants him to work for him this summer instead of at the job he has had for the last two summers. He gives me the reasons he thinks this would be a good idea. He has all his arguments are prepared and memorized. I listen with a sinking feeling in my heart. I think of all the things that are wrong with his plan. I know his other parent will never pay him and he will lose out on thousands of dollars he could have earned. I sigh and say “You are going to be 18, the choice is yours. I don’t think it is a good idea but the ultimately the choice is yours”…courage

I am tucking my daughter in bed. We have prayed, thanked God for grace that day, asked for someone other than ourselves to be blessed and asked for forgiveness of a sin we committed that day. As I kiss her goodnight, she whispers “Jubi (her puppy) was spanked really hard again last night while we were at our other house.” It makes her cry and that makes me cry. She continues, “I want it to stop.” I whisper ”Me too, sweetheart, me too”…courage

I go in to say goodnight to my 12-year-old son. He is has fallen asleep without saying goodnight. Tears roll down my cheeks as I kiss him goodnight and whisper “I love you”…courage

I leave the room and my 17-year-old son asks to speak to me. I sit down beside him as he tells me that his brother is still not sleeping well at their other parent’s house and now he has started crying and having anxiety attacks. He wants me to “fix” things. I can’t fix anything, I don’t know how…courage

I finish cleaning the kitchen, get lunches ready for the next day, throw in load of laundry, pick up books, toys, shoes, jackets, backpacks, try to create order in a house that refuses to stay clean…courage

I finally fall into bed, look at my Bible and realize I am too tired to read it. Look at my gratitude journal and realize I am too tired to find anything in the day that I am grateful for. I close my eyes as tears once again flow freely down my cheeks. I am so tired. All I want is to fall asleep and never wake up again. I fold my hands, bow my head and through tears pray for enough courage to get out of bed in the morning.

Jill is the founder of Sunshine On Your Shoulder. A safe, non judgmental, non condemning space to express ones story, thoughts and feelings that offers assistance with the processing of them in an effort to celebrate, with you, all your soul needs to say.  She also has a Facebook page and group with the same name.

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