We are about 10 weeks into when [most] states were given the directives to stay-at-home. Over the last two weeks I have noticed a significant increase in various types of content all talking about “habits”. Whether it is podcasts, blogs, Instagram memes, or conversations I am a part of (or overhear)… it seem as if “habits” have become a pretty popular topic.
In my first post, Privilege Walk: Corona Edition, I happily reported that my kids were “rocking” the home school thing, and we had plenty to do to keep us busy. Well, sometime during the twenty two days since then, things in our house have shifted. Our pristine color-coded school schedule has become a grease stained, written on, afterthought (but is still up on the refrigerator for all to see, prepared for the unlikely event that someone from the school district stops by, we have proof that we are still “doing school”).
The kids are bored.
They miss their friends.
Disney+ does in fact eventually get boring after awhile, even for an 8 year old.
I somehow feel busier than I have been in months.
We are becoming acutely aware of our growing mountain of empty wine bottles.
And, we are all beginning to get a bit tired of each other. *And also recognize what an incredible circumstance and privilege it is to be home together so much. Ultimately, we are very thankful for this time and I really shouldn’t joke about it*
If you are reading this and resonate with any of it, I am willing to bet you one dollar that the primary reason you are in a similar boat is because…..wait for it…… habits.
Seriously, my Venmo is @Amber-Bradford so you can go ahead and send me my $1.
(Now, to be clear, this actually only applies if you are still receiving an income and life is mostly okay for you. Habits can’t be blamed for certain variables that make this a lot harder for some people. That is not what I am talking about here. So bear with me…)
What changed?
It makes sense that we experienced the first few weeks of quarantine in a very different way than we are now. The first few weeks, we had great intentions. We intended to create a good schedule, model and support consistency, and ultimately establish a new normal in most ways. My guess is that you also started quarantine with good intentions. Am I right?
Instead, we have developed some crap habits.
We have gotten into the habit of letting the kids sleep much past the “first home-school bell”.
Some days they do no school work at all.
We eat dinner past bedtime.
I would be lying if I said I remember to brush my teeth every morning. Gross, I know. But, I never realized how much of brushing my teeth was a conscious choice not to have stinky breath when I go to work. It is amazing how after a couple cups of coffee, morning breath goes away.
I can’t even tell you how many times the kids don’t eat lunch. We just forget.
Laundry isn’t getting done.
We completely forgot about and “no showed” to not one, but two- medical appointments.
This is just the beginning. Put simply, we are off our game. Even weekends never used to be this bad.
We feel like a mess.
So, why do crap habits come easier?
Crap habits come easier because, in order to form a habit you have to do the same thing, over and over (my quick google search tells me between 21 and 66 times).
In order to do the same thing over and over, we have to make the same decision….over and over.
We have to do this in order to convince our brain that this thing is something good, and encourage our brain to create the neural pathways needed to form the habit that we are working on.
What this ultimately means is that we have to make a choice somewhere between 21 and 66 times that requires us to resist the impulse to accept an immediately available reward, with the hope to obtain a better or more valuable reward in the future.
Otherwise known as delayed gratification.
For example: I am going to start waking up an hour early to meditate before work. Alarm goes off at 4:00am, I have two options: Stay in bed or get out of bed to meditate. If I choose to stay in bed, I am immediately rewarded with a warm, comfortable bed, and a little more sleep. To get out of bed I have to hold a sense of delayed gratification, trusting that meditating before work will meet your desired goal. However, it may or may not actually meet desired outcome
Tools and Tips to Help Build Not-Crap Habits
Focus on one thing at a time.
A big reason that the majority of habits we intended for quarantine failed, is simply because we had too many. Not only were we modifying old habits like bedtime and wake up time, we were introducing whole new habits that were not a part of our routine to begin with.
In order to really focus on creating good habits, you have to be able to focus on one thing at a time. Give your brain time to adjust before adding in new variables.
Simple is better.
Additionally, we trying to create new habits and routine in literally EVERY aspect our life. We made things complicated, which in and of itself required multiple little habits in one. Although it was with good intent, scheduling out every half hour to hour of the day was not all that helpful. It allowed for little to no room for flexibility or modification, and even though we included a written “schedule may be modified as needed” we found that the days needing to be modified, things ended up being lot more difficult for the kids (and us), overall. Also, complicated things are just harder. Period.
Is there a way to simplify your overall goal? Can you break it down into a few smaller goals in order to increase the likelihood of follow through?
Consistency is Key
Our brains CAN adapt to new things, and we can help that process by creating consistency. Repetition is a factor in creating those neural pathways when forming new habits, and too many changing variables complicate things. For example, if you are trying to create a new habit working from home it would be a good idea to establish a consistent space that is A.) only used for working, and B.) the same space everyday.
The less variables involved, the easier and quicker it will be for your brain to adapt to the changes and new habit.
Reward yourself for sticking with it
Small, realistic, but desired rewards are a good way to provide additional motivation and positive reinforcement in the beginning. This is obviously not something you necessarily would do long term, but can be a great tool to increase follow through in the beginning.
This is especially useful with things that require delayed gratification, because it allows for some sort of immediate reward and reinforcement.
If you fall off the wagon, just get back up.
It can be frustrating, but forming habits is not an all or nothing process! Do not fall into the “I’ll start Monday” trap! If you missed the mark on Wednesday, try again Thursday. This is the true all of the time, but is especially true right now. Everything in life is different, and everything is an adjustment. You are not expected to be perfect.
Combine Habits
Is there a way to combine the new habit that you want to form, with an already established habit? Incorporating new habits into already strongly established habits can be a way to ease the transition. An example might be someone wanting to start flossing everyday. It would be easier to schedule your flossing time when you brush your teeth, since that is likely an already established habit.
The MOST IMPORTANT part of all of this is to be easy on yourself, especially right now.
I literally cannot stress enough how important it is to be easy on yourself. One could argue that every single tip and tool I just shared is completely irrelevant, because the basis of our life right now is chaos, unpredictability, and newness. It is nearly impossible to start with one habit, because whether it is intentional or not, everything we do, every part of our schedule and routine right now is new.
Being a super human habit former is not going to win you any awards (at least in my book), but I do think it is something we should take seriously, and at least try to be decent at. Hell, maybe if we can all become even decent “habit formers” now, once quarantine is “over” (whatever that will mean when the time comes) we will be ultimate “habit formers” because how much effort it required now.
Productivity is not a determinant of your worth. I promise.
The kids doing their “math section” at the same time everyday is not going to increase their ability in becoming independent, functioning, contributing, members of society. I bet you $10 on this one.
You may even end up forming some crap habits right now, because face it, they are just easier. If that is the case, I encourage you to give yourself grace in that as well and just make a commitment to yourself that when life begins to feel a bit more normal, you reevaluate. Decide at that time if the crap habits you have acquired will continue to serve you in the ways that you need. Until then, don’t sweat it.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: iStock