You know God loves you when your kids play with your fungus covered feet. Seeing past your impurities. My 2 boys know to wear new flip flops every time they step foot in the men’s showers at LA Fitness in West Hollywood.
My 1st “dad moment” was yelling at my wife for “tramp stamping” our 5-year-old with fake tattoos seconds before our 1st Winter Ball Dance together.
My 2nd “dad moment” was saying no fairy wings on Matilda after my wife’s best friend gave them to her for Christmas. They make her look like an overdose at the Lime Light waiting to happen.
Dads are stronger cheerleaders than moms. My wife says it’s because we live in a Patriarchal society. See, I thought it was because our kids cared more about my opinions.
I still struggle with saying patriarchal society without stuttering it out. I’m convinced Virginia Wolf willed the phrase into popular culture so men would sound even dumber than usual.
Sarah Silverman doesn’t think the President is mature, yet still takes bong hits in a hoodie way past 40. Plus, I don’t recall Sarah Silverman outgrowing her truly tasteless, “alternative jokes” phase either. Even though she is technically a peer, I feel like a dad when I say that.
The opening line for my new book chapter “Puff, Puff, Pass”, about passing on being a pothead, only 3 kids later. I always wanted to be a functional pothead. Weed was my best bud till I had Matilda.
My daughter on Adam Levine: He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice.
In case you’re wondering, we were listening to the song “Gotten” on Slash’s debut album, Slash. You’re welcome.
George Soros calling Roger Waters:
Can you supply the caravan with free I Phones with 1 song on it each?
Tear down the wall, got it.
Day 5 free from beer, Matilda. It will sound weird when I say day 28.
I know. You’ve never even made it to double digits.
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Originally Published on Do It All Dad Year