That’s the first lesson of becoming a dad to a newborn. Every time you want to say something like “Dude, I’m so tired, and I don’t like changing diapers,” just go ahead and shut up. This isn’t my rule, just experience from 14 years of being an at-home dad. Yes, we have tons and tons to complain about. But every time we do, the mothers will remind us that they spent 9 months with your spawn. They will remind you of sciatica nerves, hemorrhoids, and how dare you!
So, don’t complain within earshot. Find some other dads, quietly gather around the campfire, and whisper it all. The raging hormones so that your wife cried because the dog looked sad. The late-night runs to whatever she needed. The fact is that when babies come out, they look like one of the swamp creatures from The Lord of the Rings. Now that’s out of the way, let’s go to how you can make it the next three months and keep your sanity.
You are not the help. You are there to parent.
As a new dad, you need to own it right from the start. Don’t expect other people to change all the diapers, cook dinner, clean the house, make doctor’s appointments, or bring someone a blanket. That’s your job. It’s nice to get help, of course, and I highly encourage you to do so, but now at the end of the day, it’s on your shoulders. For most of us, it’s a hard lesson learned very early on. For me, it was midnight as my wife was asleep after giving birth and gallbladder surgery. The kitchen was a wreck, there were no clean bottles, and I could barely stay awake.
You and I are the cavalry, the hero that comes just in the nick of time, the secret avenger that saves the day. We are dads and that means all of the stuff that needs to get done is our responsibility. Do yourself a favor and set some ground rules with your partner and divide up the chores, with the complete acknowledgment that she may not be doing much more than breastfeeding your adorable little leach. I’ve seen too many guys wondering where dinner is when they get home from work and the wife stays home. You should know by now that a newborn is no joke. So don’t be that jerk. Take control and make dinner, change the diapers, and save for college somehow.
Control the arguments and your anger
Being tired is enough to set many of us off. Throw stress on top of that and it’s a recipe for arguments. My wife and I had a rule that worked out really well. No arguing past 10 pm. No matter what the issue was, we would stuff it and tackle it in the morning. And usually by that time, we were at least somewhat more awake to talk rationally. I tell every new dad the same thing: arguing at night accomplishes nothing. Save it for tomorrow. In this one case, procrastination is your friend.
If it’s your blowout, it’s your job.
I have been guilty of putting on a diaper that only somehow only rests on one butt cheek. You can imagine that what happens next is the big blowout where fluids and gunk go up the back of the baby. If you’re taking turns with diapers, you might be hoping that your spouse will take care of this one. But nope, it’s your fault. Change it again and make it more secure this time.
Changing a diaper is not that hard and the truth is after you’ve been through a couple of blowouts, you get really good really quick. This is going to save you arguments in the future.
Take a moment for yourself
This is more in the mom’s world than in ours, but there is such a thing as Dad Guilt. We feel guilty when we sometimes take time for ourselves. New babies are all cute after a bit. They make little sounds and are always impressed with you. They are also very loud, refuse to sleep, and sometimes just don’t like you. Work it out with your spouse that every day you both get some uninterrupted alone time. Even if it’s just a ten-minute walk or a 20-minute nap. Getting time away for a short time every day can do wonders for your own moods. There is so much happening in that first three months that it’s very easy to lose yourself in it. Not only that, but you may feel like you’re in a rut. So, take some time for yourself, you’ve earned as much as anyone else has.
Bring your kids along
I know that most dads want to stay home with a newborn, and that’s actually a good thing for a short bit. Especially during the pandemic, you need to be cautious. But if you really want to make it through the first 3 months, start taking your kiddo with you when you go out and do errands, chores, or just to sit at the park. Yes, it can be scary at first but here you will find your sea legs. You’ll find that you enjoy showing them the world. That your hobbies can become their hobbies. That above all, your kids really just want to be with you. So grab a stroller, or strap them to your chest and get out and about. Start small, and then build longer outings into your schedule.
In my dad’s group, we had what we called Baby Tuesdays. That’s when the guys with newborns met up for lunch, toured a museum, or just hung out. This is where that bonding happens. And one day, if you’re lucky, they’ll grow up and beat the crap out of you in video games.
That is actually my life now. My son absolutely destroys me. He’s too quick and my old man eyes are starting to betray me.
Every child is different, as is every father. That first 3 months may go smoothly, or it may wreck you. And that’s ok. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to be there. This is how to make it through the first 3 months. If you show up, there’s no telling what glorious things can happen.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
