I make an effort to show a woman on a date that I appreciate and like her intellect, wit, etc. But what I don’t do now or never knew how to do is this: I do not comment on a woman’s appearance or offer compliments even if I think she’s a knockout. It’s been a policy of mine to avoid making ANY comment along those lines, thinking that women hear stuff like that from guys all the time on first dates and that it might seem like a “line,” or a come-on, or insincere. When I do express my attraction to and appreciation of a woman’s beauty, I want it to be meaningful to her and myself.
I don’t know how to show I’m physically attracted to a woman in a sincere way on a first date or other initial points of connection. I think my approach is working against me. A lot of my first dates go long with incredible discussions, but end up not feeling like romance is in the air, even if do feel attraction and a spark.
How about an article for guys about the appropriate, sincere, meaningful, simple ways to show a woman we’re physically attracted to her on first dates or other initial points of connection? It seems like decent guys can do it in ways that are awkward for the woman, not well received, inept, off-putting, or poorly worded, and end up being counter-productive.
I need the advice, and I’m sure there are plenty of guys like me. Women would benefit from guys handling this better, and maybe there’d be more successful first dates for everyone as a result.
Your question resonated with me because I used to be the female version of you. In my teens and twenties, I was the proverbial anti-flirt. I had a lot of male friends but very few boyfriends. I was considered ‘one of the guys’, engaging in intellectual conversations, kidding around, and playing sports together. In short, I was a lousy flirt, which planted me firmly in the friend-zone.
I thought flirting was inauthentic, an overtly sexual come-on, and if you put your sexuality out there, you should be willing to ‘put out’. I didn’t want to lead with sex on a first or second date, and I wanted to be authentic in my interactions with men.
How can you be an authentic flirt?
What I now know is that flirting can be very authentic. Especially when it’s about being charming and playful. It’s not necessarily an invitation for sex, especially before you know someone well.
It really boils down to self-confidence. When you’re feeling confident, you feel comfortable engaging with just about anyone. You flirt with the cashier, the neighbor, a baby, even your mail carrier. You exude warmth and sexiness, which is very attractive to everyone.
Learn how to flirt from pickup artists.
Google ‘how to flirt with women’. Believe it or not, pickup artists can teach you a lot about self-confidence and flirting. When my 25-year-old son wanted to get out of the friend zone with women, he learned from many pickup artists. As an introvert, flirting was out of his comfort zone.
He learned how to build rapport with women by watching these master pickup artists.
While I’m not advocating that you become a manipulative pickup artist, I am suggesting that you learn how to get your ‘game on’ and become more flirtatious and playful and less in your academic brain on a date.
Be more playful.
Practice being more playful and flirtatious in your everyday life. Flirt with the cashier at the grocery store. Tell her you like how her earrings bring out the blue in her eyes. Smile and say hello to the people you pass on the street.
It may feel inauthentic at first, but eventually, you’ll become more confident, and you’ll start putting out the vibe that you are interested in a woman for more than her brains.
You mentioned that you are uncomfortable giving compliments to women, as they probably hear them all the time. I don’t believe there’s a cap on compliments—oops, you reached your limit! Most of us don’t hear them enough.
On a first date, if a man says he likes my smile, or that I look better in person than in my online dating profile, I can feel good. I sense his attraction to me. And that’s a turn-on.
However, when a man says, “I find you attractive. Are you attracted to me?” I feel his insecurity and neediness. This has actually happened on several occasions. Don’t do that!
Show a woman you’re attracted with your body language, your compliments, and your playfulness. Top it off with a kiss goodnight, and you’ll give a clear message that you’re attracted.
A version of this article was originally published at LasFirstDate.com and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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