Great relationships are hard work. We accept that not every day or every interaction is going to be a good one. It’s also equally important to be tolerant because neither we nor our partners will be perfect and therefore we often need room to be human.
Love usually paints quite a rosy picture with a rush of happy hormones, making us feel good and rewarded. It’s the best feeling in the world. I almost always wished it was that easy, but holding our partners to unrealistic standards can be dangerous and it may eventually damage the bond. While it feels great to be on top of the world, sometimes we’re caught up with irrational behaviors such as jealousy and attachment.
I don’t always feel this way. I’ve always followed my feelings when it comes to love. For me, the most profound and beautiful experience is the sharing of love between two people. There’s no need to turn something so straightforward and fun into a complex subject. But this is the problem with us humans. We insist on making simple stuff complicated because of our complexity bias. We love to dwell on the tricky 10% and ignore the easy 90%.
I traveled down that path one afternoon, pondering if good old-fashioned chemistry is enough to sustain an exceptional bond. Now I’m having the time of my life. I love my man and we’re rocking it. We both know what we expect from this bond and we’re striving towards both being and becoming our healthiest and best selves. I’m able to confide in and converse openly with him most of the time. However, there is this one thing that has been bugging me recently and I’m not even sure if this should be a major concern.
We often hear people talk about the similar traits we share with our partners because compatibility in all aspects is super important, right? The truth, however, is a little harder to face. It may sound like a recipe for disaster when two people are not intellectually on the same page but I’ve seen many couples breaking the mold and making it work for them, regardless.
Is intellectual compatibility necessary?
My guy is well-read. He’s interested in certain subjects that I have no clue about. That doesn’t mean he knows every detail, but he likes to be up to date on topics that interest him. I’m not saying that I’m not open to learning but with subjects that he’s clearly more knowledgeable about, I let him lead. We have a lot of fun together on other things, but I hate it when our connection at times feel fuzzy, especially when it’s more like a teacher-student relationship than a romantic one.
I do not consider myself as less intelligent. While some categories of intelligence are more recognized, there isn’t one type of intelligence that is better than another. It would be incomplete to judge someone’s intelligence by one or two factors alone.
I’m proud that my man’s expertise spans across a wide range of subjects, but what frustrates me is that I can’t always provide a genuine, thoughtful response or pick apart a conversation on topics he’s clearly more passionate about. As a result, I watch him share and debate issues with others who are on the same intellectual level and that makes me feel shallow and conflicted.
Am I the only one who’s feeling this way? How important is intellectual compatibility in a relationship? I would love to believe the Beatles when they say love is all we need but in reality, it requires a lot more to keep the flame burning. Sure, it’s romantic to imagine ourselves as star-crossed lovers that defy the odds and love each other no matter what, but ultimately having to find out stuff about my man through a conversation he had with others whom he deemed are more on the same page with him makes me wonder what are my roles in this stage play.
That doesn’t mean love is lacking between us, but it’s unfortunate that some circumstance overrides emotion. There’s only so much one can do about such a situation. I guess it’s cool if he decides to seek intellectual companionship among his colleagues and friends, but finds emotional and psychological support in me. That means we complement each other. After all, lovers don’t have to fulfill every need, just the essential ones.
Creating a picture of wholeness
On the brighter side, his response induces me to want to be more ambitious and intellectually curious on the subjects that he is passionate about, but I’ll eventually need to get off the manic episodes or get stuck in the land of predictable misery. My job isn’t to get up to speed with him because, at the base level, I love him for who he is. I could extrapolate for days, but I’d rather grasp firmly on what brings us together.
I suppose at any stage of life, I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt and to identify nothing in black and white. Most of us have accepted society’s version of how romantic love should look. Looking back, there are glaring errors about the concepts that used to work then and now. I’ve also identified what I previously believed about love and relationships that are no longer applicable to who I am today.
I shouldn’t brush aside what my feelings are telling me, but I can avoid catastrophizing to the point of turning a molehill into a mountain when there’s nothing objectively wrong on the surface.
Of course, romantic love and love in general can be far more complicated than we care to admit, but everything still comes down to personal experiences. We are all products of the environment we grew up in and never forget somewhere along the line, most of us evolve. Although experience in life is the best teacher, almost no two experiences are exactly alike. Having faith in my man means there’s a high level of respect in place. Trust is about one partner’s positive intentions and actions toward the other and that’s a great way to move towards improving our connection.
Maybe it isn’t the gap in intelligence at all. It’s just distinct skill sets. What I excel in is the reverse of him. While we balance each other out, we get to live and love more deeply, fitting together like puzzle pieces and turning them into a picture of wholeness.
I believe the success of any relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, is about bridging our differences. To do that, we accept that neither of us has all the answers or owns a monopoly on everything. Bridging is seldom about confronting the differences that comes between two people as compared to the mutual perception and acceptance of what makes up a strong, healthy bond. I’m convinced that should involve respect, equality, safety, and trust.
A great connection is really about the dynamic we build together. As long as two people can make it clear that they feel the same way about each other and are willing to move beyond the hardwired negativity bias, that should be the secret to a groundbreaking relationship.
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Previously Published on medium
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