Dating While Feral

I remember browsing through OK Cupid a few years ago and noticed someone revealed their secret. They were hard to catch. Like a wild animal.

Of course they then became interesting and I wanted to find out more. This is the characteristic of an avoidant — they are aloof, exciting, and seem like a challenge. My dog growing up would often escape, running into the neighboring orchards and fields of hay. Sometimes she would return with a head of lettuce in her mouth, others our neighbor would bring out a slab of steak to entice her over — a success after a bit of play. So, yes avoidant can be intriguing, exciting, and damn frustrating!Fast forward a few years and after the exhausting world of online dating I too now feel like a feral cat. I want attention, and to be loved on my own terms and times. Otherwise I might go off into my own world — forgetting to respond to texts, or even worse choosing not to because it’s just overwhelming to be wanted sometimes. Most cats I’ve had come out to snuggle, for food, and perhaps to have some play time. Otherwise I’m usually asking where the cat went. Did they escape again? Get trapped in the dryer? Go back to their alien planet? A day searching for a cat is a wasted one — they will show up when they are good and ready — much like feral dating. The feral cats of dating are the ghosters — the people you thought you had a great connection with, then whoosh, are gone the next day.

You want to put me in a box? Merroow no way. Off I go to find someone else who wants to adopt me. I find this amusing and confusing on one hand, and frustrating on another as I can imagine how this feels to the other person. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario.So, let’s unpack this a bit.

What does it mean to be feral?

First, what do I mean by dating like a feral animal? Well I’m not talking about the new Netflix show, Sexy Beasts, where people dress up like animals so their dates get to know their inner beauty, nor am I referring to the intriguing work of Furries.

According the the Smithsonian, “A domestic animal becomes “feral” simply by fending for itself when left in the wild, without being helped or managed by humans in any way.” Okay, I think that works for me. I think many of those claiming “feral” or “wild” status on these dating sites have been without a steady partner for awhile — maybe years — and I have returned to a site years later after a stint of dating and found these same people there. Acting like a feral animal leaves people with the idea of independence, limited reliance on others, and can come from the fear of building too deep of a connection that could lead to a loss of autonomy.

How do we become feral?

From my own experience, it comes down to attachment styles. In my marriage I tended to have a co-dependent, anxious attachment style. I focused on trying to please my partner in coming up with ideas for dates, trying to avoid conflict, and often didn’t say what I really wanted or needed. On the flip side, anxious avoidant attachers tend to float in like a butterfly, enjoy some nectar, and run off to another flower, enjoying themselves along the way, but limited commitment to their partners.

This idea of attachment came from two psychologists, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s. The theory was that individuals build lasting emotional connections with others based on their upbringing and relationships with their caregivers. There are 3 types of attachment — feral daters are the last type.

Insecure-Anxious attachment style: Ah yes, anxious attachment my old friend. We crave and need emotional intimacy and will do anything to achieve it, including breaking through our boundaries and forgetting our needs. We want to become one with our partner — to share everything. Thinking about this now, how overwhelming is that? This style also includes Highly Sensitive People (HSP) of which I tend to be as well — we see and feel our partners emotions, their frustration, and their pain and absorb them — creating the same roller coaster of emotions for ourselves, in addition to our own emotions, which we have forgotten of course. The key to this attachment style is transparent and open communication.

Secure attachment style: Okay this is the attachment style we are apparently all supposed to shoot form though I really think this si the boring style — the 1950s family style of relating. But, in theory stable attachers set their own boundaries clearly, while also being attuned to their partner. This is the balance of just right — yin and yang.

Insecure-Avoidant attachment style: Ah the feral dater, here we are. Avoidant attachers come in for a landing with you, seem to be really into you, then poof are gone. They will do anything to not lose their freedom and independence. If they can do it by themselves, why do they need to be accountable to someone else? So, once the relationship is too much, they will find a convenient excuse to leave. My experience in this type of attachment is that when my partner tries to schedule too much or text me too often, I get overwhelmed and shut down. If it continues to happen I am likely to disappear. As a father of a special needs child I unfortunately don’t have a ton of time, so I do wonder how this attachment style is related to the other needs in our day to day life.

Moving from feral to domesticated

Okay I know, you don’t want to be domesticated. Don’t run away yet feral one. Here’ let me pet your chin while I share some ideas on balancing your independence with the need your partner has for connection. First, get to know yourself before you start imposing you wildness on others. Figure out what it means to have independence, what your boundaries are, and how you can safely talk about those with a partner. I’m all about monitoring progress, so take a test on your attachment type, and monitor how it changes as you better understand yourself and your needs. When I got divorced, this was an amazing book for me: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love.

Get to know yourself and how you respond in certain situations. When someone needs you, what comes up in your mind? What do you feel and where do you feel it in your body? Write these down. What are the trends?
Try to see the perspective of your partner.
Practice standing your ground. When a feral animal is confronted they often attack or run away. What would it feel like to stand your ground and state your boundaries in a healthy and calm way? If your partner is not able to handle your boundaries then they might not be a good fit.
Think before responding. What do you want to say and how can you say it kindly? What happens once you get beyond the reactive side of yourself?
Stop collecting intelligence on what’s going wrong in the relationship and think about the positive parts. If you have unresolved issues you should approach your partner and/or a support system to move through them. Of course if you are unsafe seek help.
Understand what life experiences have brought you here and consider how to move through them.

How to handle an avoidant partner?

Are you reading this because you have (or had) a feral animal as a partner? Good news, you can do a few things to make it easier for you, and for them. If you’re an anxious attacher, this will be especially hard. I suggest reading the Four Agreements. It was eye opening for me and I am still incorporating its lessons into my own life — especially the parts about not taking things personally and not having expectations about how things should be. Here are some ideas of how to be more comfortable with your avoidant partner:

Find activities you enjoy doing and go do them, alone! If they are interested they will join you.
Get a support group of similar friends to create the community you need.
Give them plenty of space. If they need to withdraw, then let them.
Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you.
Communicate openly, and reinforce the positive actions that you like and tell them what you value in the relationship.
Listen and offer understanding. Be open to listening to your partner’s feelings and issues. The key thing is to listen to understand, not to fix a problem.
Respect your differences.
Set healthy boundaries and tell your partner what you need and what you won’t tolerate.
Seek support from professionals so you can both heal.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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