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I do not write this to malign you; to pin the good for the actions of the bad. I have good male friends, an amazing male mentor, a supportive brother, and a loving husband. I have been aided in times of need by men. I was rescued from an attempted abduction by a male. I am grateful for the many good men out there.
I am writing to you because we need your help.
It’s impossible to turn on the news without seeing yet another story of a violent attack on a woman. A runner going out for an afternoon jog. A girl walking to a friend’s house. A female heading to her car in the parking lot. A woman asleep in her own bed.
We are not safe anywhere.
I read the comments on an article about the victims who were jogging in their respective towns when they were taken, and it all read more or less the same. Seemingly well-intentioned people who honestly believed that if all women carried a weapon on their being at all times, that we could simply avoid this. As if that was the point. The responsibility laid firmly at our feet.
If you commented this way and truly believe this, then we have more work to do than I once thought.
Every day that I go out into the world, I am forced to worry about my safety. Every day, I am ogled or honked at or loudly talked about by men from all socioeconomic and racial backgrounds. I have walked through a parking lot with my children and had men three times my age undress me with their eyes. Some of you may say, “What does that even mean? That’s completely subjective.” To you, I say, “If it’s never happened to you, you’ll never know exactly what that feels like.” But I can tell you that every woman I’ve ever met has.
I have been followed. I have been harassed. I have been grabbed at and “accidentally” brushed against and was even almost abducted once. I was 10 when the harassment began. 11 when the grabbing began. 18 at the time of the attempted abduction. Followed at 23. I could go on.
Every night that I spend alone, I am forced to worry about my safety. Are all of the windows shut? Vehicles locked? Garage put down? Women all over the world as I write this are double checking their locks and laying in bed awake because they think they heard a strange noise in the dark. They are being given pep talks from their husbands about how to use the gun in case there’s an intruder while they’re away. They are being reminded about the need to take a self-defense class.
In magazines, I read about the ten most unsafe places for women. Number two is a parking lot. Every place on the list in fact, is commonplace.
I have never seen such a list for a man. I know that I never will.
It is not lack of knowledge about keeping ourselves safe in the world. We have been trained since childhood to move cautiously; always on the lookout for potentially dangerous situations. Nor is it a gun issue or a running with friends issue or a location issue.
The real issue, the one thing that most women are saying to themselves and each other as they hear of another attack is: Why do I have to live this way? How is that fair?
We shouldn’t and it isn’t.
Men, you may think we’re being paranoid or that it doesn’t happen with the alarming regularity that it does, but I urge you to really look within. Visit your mother, your sister, your cousins or aunts or best female friend. Ask your spouse. Let them tell you what they’ve endured. It will shock you, but it will also open your eyes to the injustice of what we face. Once you’re done listening, the next step is action. Have a conversation with your father, your brother, your cousins, your uncle, work colleagues, your fraternity, your best male friends. Share what you’ve learned. Ask that they listen with open hearts. And no matter what, never ever stop fighting beside us. Help us change the current rape and victim blaming culture. Women deserve to live in a world where they don’t incessantly have to fear being the next woman attacked.
It was never about how best to protect us. It will always be the fact that we need protection at all.
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Jennifer Bosse is a freelance writer and blogger living in Charleston, SC with her husband and two sons. You can find her on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy and her blog, Tales of A Southern Sweetheart.
Photo: GettyImages
“Once you’re done listening, the next step is action. Have a conversation with your father, your brother, your cousins, your uncle, work colleagues, your fraternity, your best male friends.” Frankly, I find this deeply offensive. Why should I have conversations with my family over this matter when NONE of them are guilty of this sort of behavior? How would you feel if I were to ask you to have conversations with your family concerning a small percentage of women who are criminals, prostitutes, or misandrists? Btw, how many women have you personally had a conversation with over how a lot… Read more »
My ultimate goal is for humanity to treat one another with kindness and respect; to end vitriol from all sides. Contrary to what you wrote, I have had and continue to have open, honest conversations with others (including family) about the problems our current society faces. This isn’t the only issue-the violence against women. There is violence against men-domestic abuse and sexual assaults. The stigma attached to that. The current wave of feminism which serves to denigrate males. Drug wars, the refugee crisis, terrorism, etc. Trust me, I run the gamut. The purpose of this article was never to offend… Read more »
The purpose might not have been to offend, but it did. You suggested in your article that men are not victims of violent crimes and that women never commit these crimes. We cannot solve issues like sexual assault if we ignore the fact that men are also victims.
dear women, we have our own problems….the fact you live with an irrational fear of violence is not the problem or fault of men
men are 80-90% of ALL the assault victims and ALL the murder victims…and really just all violent crime altogether the victims are almost exclusively men
and yet somehow most of us manage to walk down the street without quivering in fear…in a perfect world no one would be a victim, but in reality its hard to pretend this is a national crisis when male victims of violence outnumber females 10 to 1
I think the reason your plea falls on a lot of deaf male ears because when they look at the things they have to live through and see that when they dare speak up about them they are shouted down, they conclude that its just the way things are and women should have to put up with it as well and that women’s experiences matter more. Now while you don’t say such things please realize that this is the experience of a lot of men and that is what you are up against. Men are told that their own fear… Read more »
Danny, I would love to change that. I think we should be creating open, honest dialogue about the plights of men as well. I’m particularly concerned about domestic violence and sexual assaults against males and the stigma attached to that. My male mentor read this article and we had a very thoughtful discussion about what men and women face and how we need to continue to work together to ensure a better future for our children.
Thank you for taking the time to read and discuss.
Was thinking the same thing as is Danny, not in contention, but just as an explanation. It is what I hear quite a bit from men, and why such discussion is so difficult to begin. Lots of anger and frustration out there. We’ve been vilified, parodied, patronized, insulted, and just plain old fashion attacked just for being men, and it’s starting to boil over. We do need each others help, each other, and at some point the polarizing, and the gender war itself needs to end. Forty years of fighting has left many of us weary. It frustrates me when… Read more »
This is magnificent writing. I want to find the tile I can click on to share this with every man living and have it available to every boy yet born, until women at least can take for granted what men so often do. I don’t feel like cluttering this page with more of my commentary on an article that is so brilliant in its sad simplicity, other than to say that such writing gives more hope that making the world safer for lovers by relentlessly addressing sexual assault will save the planet from human destruction.
That type of rhetoric is part of the problem, David, not part of the cure. Vilifying an entire sub-group of people based on the actions of a tiny minority, inflating the issues to hyperbolic levels only inflames rather then quell. I’ve recently learned that 13% of the population (black men) are responsible for 55% of the murders in this country. Do we therefore rage against them, profile that sub-group, or do we maintain the rational thought that one man does not grant us authority to condemn an entire race of people? Do we control our prejudice, bigotry because we will… Read more »
When are you gonna go after the rappers who promote disrespect? Have ya listen to the music that’s put out? How many of you monitor what your kids listen to and watch on TV. I did it for years and I was accused of being too overbearing. And the ones that said that I was, were you liberals. which way do you want it? Damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Yeah, talk to your sons (IF you access to them). You need to talk to the women whop have bed buddies, that allow men to sleep with… Read more »
I don’t think it’s overbearing at all, to monitor what your kids are listening to or watching. I applaud you Tom for doing so. I do the same with my sons. You bring up some interesting points. I think we have a lot of work to do when it comes to equality and teaching respect for all. This article only addresses one issue that I feel is important. It is not meant to be all-inclusive. I am concerned with violence and sexual assault against males. I’m frustrated with the current wave of feminism which seems to denigrate men. (I’m an… Read more »