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3:04 am.
This is the hour your mind processes years of rejection. Never fitting in growing up, low self-esteem at the lunch table in middle school. Punched holes in the wall and tears on the pillow case. You analyze how you could have texted that girl differently who stopped responding. The day hasn’t even begun, and you’re already exhausted.
What’s the point? Why even get out of bed? Why even fucking try when you feel like you’ve been trying your whole life, only to be met by a slap in the face?
The easy answer is, “It gets get better.”
But what if it has to get worse first?
What if you’re supposed to get rejected 100 more times before you get a girlfriend? What if you have to go on 10 more shitty first dates before you get a second date? Would you still do it?
It’s tempting to go for the quick fix. Alcohol, drugs, level another World of Warcraft character to 100, look up articles on the internet and go to bed. Rinse and repeat.
What does it take for awakening? Where’s our movie scene where our best friend comes in, flips the bed over and tells us it’s time to go out there and kick some fucking ass?
Sometimes you get an awakening. Sometimes you have to snap yourself out of it.
In the darkest hour, you still have a choice.
In the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl talks about his experience living in a concentration camp. Even in the darkest of hours, the prisoners still managed to chose how they dealt with their circumstances.
“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances—to choose one’s own way.”
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For you, maybe that means you go for a walk for 20 minutes today instead of spending time looking at pointless YouTube videos to try to numb yourself.
Schedule lunch with a friend. One who makes you laugh. Tell him you are having a hard time getting a date so he can make a joke about it.
Sign up for an improv class. Learn to get outside of yourself instead of constantly sitting with your thoughts.
Focus on one thing at a time.
Anyone can shake off one bad day. But a series of bad days? If you’ve gotten to the point where you think, “I’m going to be alone forever.” Then you’ve had a series of bad days. I’ve been there, multiple times.
To shake off a series of bad days, you have to have a series of good days. A series of good days starts with one good day. One good day starts with making one better decision than yesterday.
That means breaking habits that don’t serve you. Cut out friends who bring you down. Put the bottle down. Get exercise. No more soda. Start a journal. Meditate. Think of all the things you are grateful for. Pick one. Do that for a week, then pick something else.
Over time you’ve slowly made several better decisions that take the weight off feeling like shit all the time. The time you used to spend sulking in your own misery has been replaced by a group workout class. The time you wanted to eat a whole pizza alone and watch i reruns has been replaced by going on a walk with your neighbor.
Build yourself.
This isn’t referred to enough in the dating world, but having a life outside of dating is incredibly important. There’s a huge difference between a woman turning you down when you are:
- Healthy
- Have friends
- Have a decent job
- Have fun hobbies
- Are happy
Than when you are:
- Depressed and looking for someone to fill the void.
The “no” will feel like a light sting if you have your life together. The “no” will feel like the world is going to end when you are depressed and lonely.
So much of dating advice is packaged as, “Say this, do that” because it’s a quick fix. Telling someone to take a look at all the areas of their life and slowly build them up doesn’t sell, and it’s not sexy–but it’s one of the most important parts of being attractive to women.
You’re unique, your fear isn’t.
I had a conversation with two friends this week. Both are incredibly lonely in their lives and feel totally lost about what path to take next. One wants to end his life, another keeps moving from city to city to run from their problems. Both mentioned how they feel alone and that their problems are unique.
When life sucks, it’s easy to think we’re alone with our problems. I’ve found this is literally never the case. Sure, maybe your situation is unique, but the pain and suffering you are enduring has been had by many before you.
Pain is the bonding agent for humans. Pain is why we laugh at comedians. Talking about how we’re going through a tough time is how we connect with people on a deeper level. Have you ever seen a movie where the main character was perfect and had his life together? If you have, that movie probably sucked.
Here’s an exercise I do when I get get “special snowflake syndrome” with the problems in my life. I got this idea from the “Headspace” meditation app.
- Take three minutes to breathe and relax.
- I focus on my breath and begin to control it. One slow breath in. One slow breath out.
- I think about what other person in the world might be experiencing fear, anxiety, shame, guilt at the same time as me. (Note: with 7 billion people on this earth there’s a 100% chance someone is experiencing the same emotion as you at any given time).
- I envision that person and I sitting together and silently acknowledging we are going through the same pain.
- After a few more breaths I open my eyes and I always feel better.
It’s a simple exercise. It works.
Insanity.
A guy I used to work for just spent another $10k on equipment to try to save his business. His problem isn’t having more equipment, it’s another issue entirely. Last weekend I was in Vegas and saw people so far down in debt they stayed up all night just to try to win it back. I get emails from my readers saying, “I’ve spent the last month trying to meet women online and it’s not working.”
It’s easy to point the finger and say, “I’d never do something like that.” But we all do that. We’re all emotional human beings with hopes, fears and dreams. When we want the pain of a failing business to go away, we’ll blow money left and right to try to save it. When we want the feeling of a woman’s touch, we’ll copy and paste the same message to every match we get online hoping that just one will respond.
When our emotions get dialed up, we turn into a dog chasing its own tail in search for nirvana. We start to get delusional thinking our one approach to the madness is going to solve it all. It’s not our fault everyone else doesn’t understand us.
“If I just keep trying this same thing… eventually it will work.”
Insanity doesn’t end in a pretty way. That’s why it helps to have friends. I know when I start to get really down or sad, I can’t rely on myself. Even when I want to hide in my introverted world, I ask for help. My friends say, “You’re going to drive yourself insane.” Then I wake up and stop.
Even if you’re in the absolute worst place in your life, you’re still allowed to choose what to do. I remember nights laying in bed loaded on drugs thinking about how much I wanted peace. Every day felt like chaos and a waste of time.
The only thing I made myself do was put one foot in front of the other each day. It didn’t have to be pretty, I didn’t need to change the world. I just needed to change myself.
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Original article appeared at The New Man Within. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: iStock
Take a shower while lifting weights and chanting self affirming mantras. Got it.
Yeah, this was written by someone who had been there. *rolls eyes*
Take a shower while working out and chanting self affirming mantras. Got it.
Yeah, this was written by someone who has been there: *rolls eyes*
Why are we born into such a lonely existence? Makes no sense at all.
The same bullshit arguments, the same positivity bordering on delusion. Bloody internet is filled with the same piece of shit draped in different wording. If you can’t write something unique then why write at all. Bloody moron of a writer you are.
Well lets face it which there are many of us very good men that are still single today when we really should’ve never been in the first place which i am very sure many of you other men will agree with me as well. Most of the women today unfortunately have changed from the old days which back then meeting a good woman definitely would’ve been much easier since they were very different than today. Most women years ago had a much better personality and had very good manors since their parents did know how to really raise their children… Read more »
I know my problem , my expectations are way to high . Also I am not sure where to go and met women being a recovery addict it’s hard to find my self. I’m sure there are more problems I am blinded too. I don’t know where to look , before I would go to bar . i got burned on the internet a couple times but I do know I have to keep trying. Sometimes it is easier to numb your self not referring to drugs but other addicting behaviors.
I fell in love but did not realise it, now she is gone and I am 40 and single. i need her strength , her intelligence, he support and I cannot go on without her prescence, i never valued her and communicated with her in small amount
I’m beginning to believe I’m better off alone. I’ve met my twin flame and he’s just not ready for a relationship but also brushes me off as a friend whether he realizes it or not. There are so many catfish out there and judgmental people. Gay men can be so ageist, while decrying discrimination. Why bother…
Jeff I feel u. As a gay man, the community is indeed broken. I often find solace in my solitude although it can get extremely lonesome at times. I have acquaintances but no real friends I can go deep with. I find comfort in reading and talking with new people like yourself. Jus wanna let u know u aren’t alone.
It’s not that its “broken” its that new men who were never part of gay life before are joining. Gay identity is still a new thing. It’s still being created. We have to do the work of building up gay community. It’s not ‘done’ by any means.
I try to stay open to men even if I don’t look for them. I do go to gay gatherings but I don’t go with any expectations. My best luck has been creating gay meetups for single gay men in my area.
Brooooo! If you had got the chance to live the life I’m living, you would probably cherish your present life like never before. Coz my life is seriously messed up man.
You’d flip if you see it.
I’m just waiting to get out of a place I was never meant to be in. Stuck here for 6 years and just one more month to go. Hope I pass (Studying Architecture with low-spirited people in a low-spirited college)
It’s really tough. Honestly, I’ve tried all of these. I’m no longer the stubborn introvert. I tried to be open minded as much as I can. I have tried to date a few women, tried to keep myself busy so that I won’t have to think about it so much, tried to read a lot of books and articles to improve myself, exercise, etc. I’m really frustrated right now. I had this co-worker that’s nice and goo looking but I really don’t think we will “click” as a couple. I’m not asking her to be perfect but forcing her to… Read more »
But after so many hits to the head a boxer retires the same with men. After so many rejections we retire because we can’t take the pain anymore.
What about being funny. Even Tom Landry was Married. And Bill Belichick was married. Nobody would accuse them of being funny. Women pass me by because of the sense of humor thing. Never married and no children. They pass me over.
Generally, I agree with most of the meat of this article. But it was clearly written to healthy, white, straight men below a certain age. The painful reality for many of us outside these parameters, is we are faced with probabilities that impose different realistic expectations. Age, health, race and sexuality make despair of finding life partners completely valid.
David Van Blake, please don;t think that being white is an advantage in the datng game. it’s not. in my experience, white women prefer men of other races. being white is a disadvantage
Actually once Trump gets elected what David mentions will be valid. Non white immigrant men’s rep will be blackened in the dating world. I hate to bring up politics but let’s face it, this will be the truth if that version of the american presidency comes to pass…smh
I’m sorry, but this is blatantly not true. Statistically, of all sections of population, white women are the least likely to date outside their race. I have no idea how you got this impression. Just look around you.
“Build Yourself.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
@David Ede Van Blake – this applies to and has a positive effect on all men regardless of race or purpose. There are few things that are really incurable or render one terminally ill in the 21st century…I believe if you aim high enough you’ll either get to where you want to go, or perhaps find something better on the way there. Good luck to you.
Lived this myself. I’m short, Asian, with moderate income and lacking in conventional good looks. Was overweight, had jobs I wasn’t happy with, friends I wasn’t happy with. Got divorced at 37, Had no idea where to even begin dating again. Took two +years but I got a better job, got in shape, rebuilt my social network with fun and genuine friends, learned dancing, camping, MMA… Women don’t flock to me or anything but the quality and quantity has definitely improved. Maybe they were there before I just didn’t see it and tolerated less becaus I didn’t feel I deserved… Read more »
Hi David
are the David Van Blake I knew in the 70’s–San Francisco etc?
I am Leon Hamilton from Australia–if you are it would be good to communicate.
Thanks
Leon
I agree with this article, but what I find frustrating is that women aren’t expected to have a decent job when it comes to dating. What I mean by that is, a woman won’t be judged for turning down someone based on financial reasons, but a man isn’t really allowed to act in this way. People can use the evolutionary psychology card, but that doesn’t fly with me.
Men are also not permitted to reject a woman for something as arbitrary as her height, weight or breast size.
It often appears that men are not permitted to say “no” to a woman for any reason, doesn’t it?
this is true. women are also allowed to reject men based on penis size