I have a habit of always leaving, allowing the door to swing shut as I walked away. Even though I left, I always kept my demons on a leash. Because I knew I was heading to new territory, I always checked the soles of my shoes, just to make sure there was nothing worn. I had to keep it fresh. Little did I know, this habit would train me to save me, my sanity and my life.
The reason for me always leaving was rooted in my “fear and fright” behavior I developed to survive my early childhood. It became a habit of living which always seemed to leave situations left unfinished. I was just trying to keep my demons on a leash because, I grew up with sudden explosions of emotional violence and frustration. I learned to live on eggshells painted cool blue and magenta colors for protection.
I learned to leave out the fear of my reaction, the depth of my own personal anger and disappointment. I did not want to be a reflection of my father or be the explosion, the burst of fire licking clean the surfaces of the room. I wanted to survive the burning, the fires I could not stop setting in the backyard, over and over again. So, when I smelled the first hint of smoke, I ran for my survival.
I didn’t want to hate myself like I thought I hated my father. Hate makes people victims of everyone, the one doing the hating and the one being hated. So, I always kept my shoes properly soled, ready for travel. Hate was a demon that made me run in fear. Because I was so full of fear, I could not walk.
When you learn how to tame your demons, you learn to keep them on a leash because they are something you need to understand. Allow them to be and realize you don’t have to like them. You just don’t feed them steak and eggs each morning, maybe just a boiled egg sliced on toast and ginger tea. You take the time to learn the art of sitting with oneself and breathing in fresh air to honor your feelings. Being aware of your feelings doesn’t mean you act them out like a madman in planting season. If you can help it, keep the drama to yourself.
It is the thing that lives in-between the breaths. I have learned to sit with myself and know my own breathing. I have learn to sit rather than run. I have learned to be present to know and understand my emotions. I learned new rituals of living that allow me to release the fears that historically made me be a runner. The runner in me has more than one speed of operation. It was usually the mode of the moment—running at high speed.
It is time to walk into the new dimension, slowly walk through the transition of the soul of our country. I know this while I am watching the unfolding of the numbers. My heart is racing as I am silent with breaths of internal peace. I am one with the unfolding. I am deep in silent fear and I have to acknowledge my future and faith in this country is at stake. I can’t run away from this one. I have vowed to accept the outcome and I am searching for my breath. Yet, I am thinking of the comforts of Canada. If I feel the system is broken, I need to be here on the inside to be a part of the transformation.
I still believe in this country, but I am feeling sad within, as I watching the revelations of our country’s voices. But, I deeply know this is a choice made to call for change. Still, we have no idea what we are really calling, but we will soon find out. When you speak your mind into words, the universe answers. The will of the country called for a change in our behavior as a people. What will bridge us together in any type of agreement? Are we going back in time of a history of human emotional and physical slavery, in the name of the growth of America? We have heard this story before. The point of value of each American individual is the issue. We are all equally American, as it is stated in all of our declarations of democracy. We need to learn to work together and learn how to have a real conversation with each other as a two party, working system.
I think deep down within, all of us want to make America great. And, America’s greatness lies in the pages of our Bill of Rights and our Declaration of Independence. America’s greatness lies in the compassion given to all our American people being able to obtain our individual and collective sense of a “pursuit of happiness.” I want to able to look up at the stars tonight in perfect peace and know there is not an active harm occurring within my field of vision or “out there” in our modern world. And for the sake of America, I want to see and feel the love we deserve. I want to know we can keep our demons on a leash.