Male depression can be silent and unnoticed, or lead to the suicidal rage of Josh Powell. Lauren Hale explores this important issue.
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He’s your brother, your father, your cousin, your son, your friend. He is the man in line in front of you at the store or next to you in the elevator. He is made of flesh and bone. His heart receives blood and pumps it through his body, just like yours. He breathes the same air you do. He walks, talks, laughs, loves, hurts, and cries just like you.
When was the last time you talked to him? I do not mean the rote “How are you?” we drop in passing, jetting off before an answer is proffered. I mean stopping to ask, “How are you feeling?” and sticking around for the answer. “Ask a man how he’s feeling? Surely you must be joking. Men don’t discuss such things,” you’re thinking. I assure you, I am not kidding.
Society has created a mythological male made of marble –cold, unfeeling, heartless. Not allowed to ask for directions, cry, or admit emotion of any kind. Men are fixers. Pillars. Cracking is not allowed. Propping yourself up is forbidden. Many men feel they must hide their flaws (real or perceived) from others for fear of being viewed as weak. Some self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or working long hours. Others channel their failures into a deep well of rage, one which eventually explodes as forcefully as a long-dormant volcano. Women also hide flaws behind smiles, over-burdening themselves with too many roles, and dedication to displaying perfection. None of us is perfect.
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Josh Powell had a long history of stress and perceived shortcomings. We may never know exactly when his traumatic history started, but we now know when it ended. Last Sunday, he set his rental home ablaze with himself and his two young sons –7-year-old Charlie and 5-year-old Braden– inside, after locking their caseworker outside. Autopsy results revealed an even more horrific ending for these two young boys. Their father had brutally attacked them prior to their deaths from carbon monoxide inhalation.
The case surrounding Josh Powell and the death of his sons is intricate. Josh’s father is in prison for voyeurism and one count of possessing a pornographic image of children. His wife disappeared in 2009, a case in which Josh was a person of interest. The Wednesday prior to the death of Josh and his two young sons, the court denied his petition to regain custody of Charlie and Braden, lost when his father was arrested as Josh lived in the home with him. Authorities have since named Josh’s father, Steven, as a new person of interest in the disappearance of Susan Cox-Powell, Josh’s wife. Steven has implied a sexual relationship existed between himself and Susan, a charge vehemently denied by Susan’s parents, Chuck and Judy Cox.
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These cases expose the dark and messy side of our human nature. We are quick to judge, convict, and dismiss the party responsible as a monstrous abomination. While these terms may certainly apply, we must also be willing to open our hearts to learn the lessons offered in the wake of these events. It is necessary to humanize the responsible party instead of crucifying him. How important is it? According to Dr. Will Courtenay, PhD,, The Men’s Doctor and author of Dying to be Men, “It’s absolutely critical. It’s very easy to vilify someone who commits such a heinous act. But once we do that, we not only separate ourselves from his humanness, we simultaneously dismiss the ways in which we all contribute –either actively or passively– to creating a society in which these kinds of atrocities can occur.”
But how do we change society to prevent such atrocities?
“There’s a myth in our society, that men simply don’t get depressed. That myth is so powerful that even trained mental health clinicians are less likely to correctly diagnose depression in men than in women – and that increases men’s risk. This cultural myth also communicates the message to men that they shouldn’t get depressed. So, when they are depressed, men are more likely than women to try to hide it or talk themselves out of it. One of the first things things we need to do, as a society, is begin to dispel this myth,” stated Courtenay.
“There’s no better – nor more tragic – proof of men’s depression than suicide. Depression is the most common condition linked with suicide, and every day, more than 70 U.S. men take their own lives, up to 12 times the number women who do,” says Courtenay, mentioning depression in light of Josh’s suicide. We do not know if Josh was clinically depressed but it is one of the many conditions which leads to suicide.
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According to a report found at the American Association of Suicidology website entitled, “Help-seeking among Men: Implications for Suicide Prevention,” men are more likely to reach out to a female rather than a male when seeking help for depression or suicidal feelings. They are also less likely to see a mental health professional and will wait until a valid excuse for a doctor’s visit, such as a routine physical or physical illness, prior to seeking help from a primary care physician. Even then, many men do not offer up immediate confessions of emotional distress. Instead, they rely upon the physician to investigate, which often does not happen thanks to the cultural myth discussed by Dr. Courtenay above.
This then invites the question, how do we encourage men to open up about such feelings?
The American Association of Suicidology suggests we do so by meeting them “where they are at” instead of attempting to bring their focus in a new direction. Emphasize cognitive solutions instead of emotional recovery. Offer fathering classes which incorporate mental health issue awareness and provides the additional boost of “doing this for my family.” Encourage popular role models for men such as athletes, male actors, and others to speak up when they are struggling with mental illness. In the past few years, several men have opened up about mental illness struggles. A list at Bliss Tree of male celebrities/public figures with mental illness struggles includes: Dave Matthews, Barret Robbins, Earl Campbell, Willard Scott, Francis Ford Coppola, Anthony Hopkins, Sting, and Trent Reznor.
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Not all depressed men are a danger to themselves or others. Anger is certainly a symptom of depression but not one which is transformed into violence by every struggling man. We can diffuse the situation by changing the cycle of stigma around mental health. Educating fathers to seek help for depression breaks the cycle, allowing them to pass on to their sons that admitting emotional vulnerability is a strength instead of a weakness.
The cycle of stigma surrounding mental health is sticky and deep but holds an extra layer for men as they must overcome the stigma of the expected “everything is okay” image in order to reach out for help. Check in with the men in your life often. Ask them how things are going. Wait for the answer and listen without judgment. Know the signs of male depression and the warning signs of suicide. Share the resources available in your community and online.
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Mahatma Ghandi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” If we are not a catalyzing change encouraging men to seek help for mental health issues, we will continue to lose innocent lives to stigma, silence, and the resulting trauma.
Be the change.
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If you or a loved one are suicidal, please call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or go to the nearest ER to seek help. You can also reach out to @unsuicide on Twitter or find additional resources at their website, NationalLifelineSuicidePrevention. The AmericanSocietyforSuicidePrevention is also an excellent resource. If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide, SurvivorsofSuicide offers support groups and a network of resources. You are not alone.
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photo: Hussain Khorsheed / flickr
Just finished reading your article and all the responses to it. While it may be debated forever about male depression/male violence; stereotyping, etc, etc. one, short, terrific sentence in your article seems to have slipped past the radar. The one about men (prominent, famous, athletes) any who have any position of influence, to publicly admit they struggle/have struggled with depression. For what its worth, I’m a pastor (What? don’t pastors pray enough?) who faced that dark demon twice, but not alone: my entire church knew what was going on; so did friends in the community. End result? By the grace… Read more »
Society did not create “a mythological male made of marble…” Humans did not spring up fully formed with complex rules of behavior, language, and psychological baggage. We evolved. And one of the things we evolved to do is never show weakness. Predators attack the weak and vulnerable. Humans are predators. Do the math. Here’s something else that is genuinely unhelpful: influential role models. Maybe it’s just me, but pointing out the mental health struggles of the rich and powerful means exactly what? That money and influence are no bar to being messed up? More cult of celebrity BS. And then… Read more »
couldn’t agree more
There is a serious double standard in the United States. Josh Powell was ordered to take a sexual deviancy evaluation including some type of device attached to his penis to measure his arousal to incestuous and cartoonist images displayed on a screen in order to determine if he was safe around his own children. No women in Washington State are required to undergo the same type of testing in reference to child custody cases. If placing a probe inside of a woman as a requirement for having an abortion would have been the law and is considered by some as… Read more »
There was a study showing quite a few women were physically aroused by animals having sex, does this mean the women want to have sex with animals or are a danger to the animals? Men get erections involuntarily, even during rape. I don’t believe it’s a very accurate indicator of arousal. That test seems quite iffy on it’s validity.
May I say I’m disgusted in your article. You’re effectively conflating depression in men with violence, and that simply isn’t always (and I daresay not even a majority of times) the case. My husband suffers depression and PTSD as a result of his emotionally abusive and controlling mother. That’s on government record. He gave his best friend his pocket knife after coming to the horrid realisation that he was at a very real risk of seriously injuring or killing himself with it. My best mate suffers depression after he and his fiance split up. He came to in the loungeroom… Read more »
I think you’re totally wrong about the intentions of the writer. The writer demands that we see men reacting violent not just as them being psychopaths, but as people who had problems nobody ever cared for. I guess it can be interpreted as you did, but that’s hard. I didn’t even think like that. Although it is an often done mistake. Some depressive men snap and do monstrous deeds -> all depressive men are violent. I guess it may be the result of feminist propaganda. A fault one man has is a fault all men share. One mans crime is… Read more »
As a depressed male I find the idea of lumping all these violent men in with depressives down right offensive. Where do you get off deciding that the majority of depressives are violent? Yes, depression is about anger — anger at ones self. A sense of self-loathing and self-hatred, but most depressives, male or female, rarely turn to violence. For those of us out here who suffer in silence, for you to group murdering scum like Josh Powell with us is really just an attempt to smear depressed men as violent. Another males are bad propaganda campaign. There are plenty… Read more »
Thank you for raising this issue here. You’re right about the widespread image of the stoic, marble male not talking about his feelings. Along with that is a widespread social sanction AGAINST men sharing their feelings, and this is a social sanction that both men and women carry out against men’s feelings. It’s the dismissed-as-ego phenomenon. Very often when a man reveals his emotions, society dismisses it as “ego,” or even more dismissively as “male ego.” (Society also dismisses women’s feelings in all sorts of ways, too. I’m not saying this is only something that men face. But, society is… Read more »
Good point. By calling it ego, it’s saying that not only are his feelings not all that important, they are in fact totally selfish and are coming from the wrong place. Calling it ego also means that his feelings are inherently distinct from everyone else’s feelings. There’s no common ground if you think my feelings are just my ego talking.
Tremendous post. I’ve had to deal with the “fragile male ego” meme a few times in my life.
Amen to that. It’s sad seeing some women ask for men to open up and others attacking them for their fragile male ego. Men do this too but I find it’s more damaging and confusing coming from women as generally the guys tend to understand other guys better and seem less likely to do it.
I find it surprisingly easy to get men to open up but those are men who end up in my office for counseling. They may come on their own or they may come kicking and screaming by a woman in their lives. I think it is really sad that society teaches men it is weak to need help. Terry Real wrote a great book called “I Don’t Want To Talk Aboit It” , which I have found very helpful for the men I work with. Even men who don’t like to read have said it helped them a lot.
Do you use the “Gotland Scale for Male Depression”? And if so, do you find it useful? I know this is a fairly recent creating, but I would like to hear of some practical usage of it and how well it’s shown to work.
Once someone decides to choose egregiously evil behavior, (and please keep in mind there’s thousands of incest and male on male child rape victims who choose to not repeat onto others that which was done to them), then a better use of people’s time and resources would be to tend to the victims, instead of the perpetrators. Even if that means not looking into the “why” behind those bad behaviors and possibly try to work on how to prevent them from choosing those behaviors? Don’t get me wrong I’m all for helping victims. But if no one takes time to… Read more »
Update: New article revealing the contents of Josh Powell’s computer: over 400 photos depicting sex and incest: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/19/josh-powell-father-who-ki_n_1287975.html
Once someone decides to choose egregiously evil behavior, (and please keep in mind there’s thousands of incest and male on male child rape victims who choose to not repeat onto others that which was done to them), then a better use of people’s time and resources would be to tend to the victims, instead of the perpetrators.
I appreciate this Lauren. One thing that people either don’t get or actively ignore about men’s mental health is that often times lashing out in anger is not the first response but rather a last resort. If people would extend the same courtesy to men as they do say women who kill their abusive husbands (look at how quickly defenders will point out how she only did it because she felt trapped with no way out and only got violent as a last resort) I think it would go a long way to helping men in those situations (mind you… Read more »
typhon, there’s women with higher testosterone than the norm. Within that group is a subset that are also sociopaths. So, all female sociopaths have high testosterone, but not all females with high testosterone are sociopaths. The latest research is showing that it’s the combination of high testosterone and low uptake of oxytocin that makes a low empathy person. If you have high testosterone, but high empathy, then you must have high functioning oxytocin receptors. (Oxytocin is both the bonding hormone and a neurotransmitter.) Most destructive people have comorbid disorders. In addition, many disorders have overlapping and/or identical symptoms. In the… Read more »
Thanks, Lauren (:
Lauren, I agree with our interweaving and interconnectivity. We’re neither individually alone and responsible only for ourselves, nor at the beck and mercy of our environmental influences – our free will choices to gravitate towards love, truth, nurturing, and reciprocation can still override negative and hurtful influences. There’s a circular problem with showing sociopaths too much compassion. They actually bank on it, and have developed highly honed techniques of eliciting sympathy and pulling on normals’ heart strings, as one of their manipulation techniques. And in their wakes, are their targets (victims), who, per the famous Stanford prison experiments (et al)… Read more »
“All female sociopaths have higher testosterone levels than female norms, and their brains’ empathy centers are unaffected by oxytocin, just like male sociopaths.” So there are female sociopaths but they’re more like men? Also men’s brains respond to vassopressin not oxytocin! Presumably *I* have more testosterone then average for a woman but as far as I can tell I suffer from too much compassion, not too little. (I have to mediate how much human misery I expose myself too or I get very sick.) Also, BPDs are goddamn destructive. As far as I can tell they are indistinguishable from sociopaths… Read more »
Hormonal influence on behavior is complex. The effect that testosterone plays is highly dependent on its interactions with other hormones and other brain chemicals. Higher or lower testosterone on its own is not necessarily decisive in behavior. It’s more proper to say that “when testosterone is high relative to ___, then ____ is more likely.” Also, what too many people forget is that testosterone level is an EFFECT as often as a cause. People who get into a lot of fights tend to have higher testosterone levels, but the levels generally peak AFTER a fight, not before. It could be… Read more »
Testosterone is one of the most maligned and misunderstood chemicals in our bodies. Research is still out because of gender bias in the research. Many feminists have been pushing the “testosterone is violence” dogma for decades warping an objective look into this hormone. Here’s some more recent research: “Testosterone Does Not Induce Aggression, Study Shows” (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/12/091208132241.htm), “Does Testosterone Equal Aggression? Maybe Not” (http://www.nytimes.com/1995/06/20/us/does-testosterone-equal-aggression-maybe-not.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm), “Study disputes testosterone aggression link” (http://informsciencenetwork.com/cognitive-science/study-disputes-testosterone-aggression-link-770675a), “Testosterone: Not Always an Aggression Booster” (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1946632,00.html), and “Testosterone does not induce aggression” (http://www.physorg.com/news179504442.html), “Testosterone and human aggression (or why it’s time to give your gonads some credit)” (http://www.nature.com/scitable/blog/cognoculture/testosterone_and_human_aggression_or_180520)
It is incredibly offensive that you can talk about how we need to look at what caused the BPD — something generally found in women — and potential abuse as a child, but when it comes to men who were abused and subsequently developed Antisocial Personality Disorder, or NPD, we should be labeling them monsters. Why is it that male victims of abuse should be punished more harshly than non victims but women who were abused should be understood and treated? Why the difference? The biggest problem that we as society face is individuals like you, who think male victims… Read more »
Collin, current feminist theory is that women are essentially good, so any evil they do is not their fault. Men, on the other hand, are essentially evil and are guilty of crimes, you just haven’t found them out yet. In a sense it is the reverse of the original sin fable with Eve and Adam and an apple. In the past three months in my city – a mother murdered her daughter and jumped off a bridge to her death. Multiple articles expressing sympathy, how she needed help, how she was a good mother, how it was tragic, HOW SHE… Read more »
Well, I’ve not heard what gender his pedo-father is into, but if its boys…yeah…
I like that this article attempts to trace the perpetrations of this husband, who killed his wife, and allowed his two young sons to see their mommy’s dead body (a deep trauma to those boys), back to its roots, however, many a target of a narcissistic sociopath / psychopath like Josh Powell, will cringe reading the empathy and attempt at understanding the perpetrator, while his victims’ pain goes unaddressed. (His remaining living victims are the maternal grandparents.) Once again, this illustrates that the world is tilted in the direction of sociopaths, and away from his or her targets (victims). However,… Read more »
“each human has personal responsibility to choose to not perpetrate on others, that which was done to them.” I agree fully with this statement. But we differ in that I believe we are all ultimately responsible for not only our behaviour but of those around us. We influence our circle of friends, their circle of friends, and so on. All of us are a pebble dropped in a pond. How we choose to drop ourselves into the lives of others matters. The point of this article was not to misdirect attention from the victims but to posit the declaration of… Read more »
Danna,
Do you believe that only men can be sociopaths, or that sociopathy is more linked to the male gender? Even though more men are diagnosed as having sociopathic or narcissistic disorders, more women are diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.
And then there’s the problem of being diagnosed in the first place, which heavily depends on our society’s attitudes towards gender.
That said, in order to stop this escalation and amplification of abuse and destruction that’s happening in this supposedly enlightened day and age, I call for greater penalties for those who are harmed as children, but then go on to perpetrate the same or worse on others. I have to disagree. I think that such “greater penalties” would only lead to people not wanting to talk about their past abuses, which is the problem in the first place. If the goal is to stop the escalation and amplification then people need to start taking notice of those past abuses when… Read more »
There is no evidence that Josh Powell killed his wife. In fact, it’s entirely possible that the accusation itself led to his psychosis.
Furthermore, your claim that people are shifting the focus away from victims and toward sociopaths sounds like an attempt to avoid confronting the reality that normal people are capable of horrible crimes in extreme circumstances. Severe mental illnesses must be talked about if we want to prevent these murder-suicides from happening in the future. We all have sympathy for the victims, but mourning them alone will not stop this from happening again.
You make the mistake that most do, but mental illness is not the major cause of most murders/violence. This is just a stigma put on those who suffer from metal illness, and prejudice because of the attempts by defence attorneys to get clients lighter sentences using mental illness as a defence. This is a quote from the National Institute of Justice: “… research on the connection between mental disorders and violent behaviour was conducted only on institutionalised populations. Recent research that has also looked at the general population has found a statistically significant relationship between mental disorder and violence; but… Read more »
Lauren,
As a severely depressed PTSD cauldron, I found no permission to seek help. It took totally falling apart to get any help at all. The decision had to be taken out of my control. Handing-over control was just not of my nature — not by any stretch. But I had to let go.
Thank you for writing this.
Rob – First, I’m glad you finally received help. I am sorry it took completely falling apart to get any help at all. As someone who has been there (I was hospitalized less than 2 months after the birth of my second daughter), I understand what it’s like to completely fall apart in order to get the help you need. Sadly, for anyone who is not used to giving up control, male or female, it takes us completely collapsing to realize we are in trouble. Even more unfortunate is that this is far more common in males than in females.… Read more »
yes male anger is misunderstood and it can be hard to see and often they are not getting a diagnose…
I dont have anything to add, except thanks for writing this article
Thank you for taking the time to read it and to leave a comment.
Hopefully Lauren, a lot of people have read it even if they havent commented. Your article looks like it took some time to compose.
Ive often felt that there should be a public page view counter or like-button, so authors know that people have read their work.
I’ve been informed this article has generated quite a bit of traffic. When you write something difficult like this, it’s often low in the comment department simply because many don’t know how to respond. It’s my hope, even if not here, this article provokes discussion between families, friends, and others, where it truly matters the most.
Thank you for this timely article….My family opened up our home to close friends who just went through an explosive episode from the father (presumably it was about a bad report card, but I suspect it had more to do with work and financial pressures)…we support the mom and the kids, and even though my husband is close with the dad he hasn’t been able to talk to him yet….I look at the torn flannel shirt that I took from the son and I debate what to do for my friend and it is frustrating to watch on the sidelines… Read more »
Male anger is misunderstood by so many, including those feeling the emotions. Even though your husband is close with this particular father, he may not open up to him about how he feels. It’s not a reflection on your husband at all. The best thing your husband can do is to just be there as a friend for him, listen without judgment, and keep communication open. When angry men feel trapped or as if they are not supported, things can get dicey very quickly. I’m glad you’ve opened your home to this family and hope there is a safe and… Read more »
Exactly right leia. Until men achieve full personhood in mass media, then this will continue. Only dysfunctional men attack others. Men are 80% of the successful suicides. Men are also 80% the victims of violence (mostly at the hands of other men). If we as a society cared about men as human beings and had protocols to detect dysfunctional men and gave treatment to these men before they harm themselves or harm other men we would not only save thousands of men, but also the women and children would be saved in situations like yours above. We may have even… Read more »
correction: the dysfunctionality of a tiny percentage of men.
Here’s a news flash for everyone. The Media and soceity in general DON’T GIVE A SHIT! Do you thimk for one minute, that if that 12:1 ratio was reversed, that if 70 women Killed themselves every day, that there wouldn’t be awareness weekends, make that awareness MONTHS ? Athletes would be waring appropriot colored wristbands , shoes , gloves ,etc.. Face it, we average dying 7 years earlier anyway. That’s a fact that,s been known for years, and it doesn’t seem to matter to anyone. We’re born , grow into adulthood, take on responsibilities, and die. I guess that’s the… Read more »
“We feel worthless and suicide looks more and more like a way out.” This is PRECISELY why we must pay attention to men. Men are NOT worthless and suicide is not an acceptable “way out.” Man or woman. Suicide is a very permanent answer to a temporary problem. If we fail to speak up, fail to draw attention to this issue, society and the media at large will continue to not care. It’s up to us to ensure that men do matter. Anger should not be the only “acceptable” emotion for a man to display. He should be able to… Read more »
Thanks Lauren for being an advocate for men in peril.
There are many many people in the media and without (even posters here on tgmp) who only mention male violence as a way to vilify men, and I am very sick of it.
Ms. Hale, your a good person and I applaud what you’re trying to accompilish, but you’re a woman so you can’t understand how a mans worth is connected to his paycheck. There’s a saying I heard, “Women are allowed to be, but a Man is expected to do”. Example; You’re at a cocktail party with your partner, you’re introduced to other couplesand the first thing asked of the men, “What do you do?” The response is usually greeted with ” ah” or” oh” depending on the mans job, maybe even a “wow” if it’s prestigious enough. You could be a… Read more »
Whenever I have to say what my job is, I say I am a student. I’ve been unemployed for a long time due to illness and the shame felt, and shame others put on me for it is too much so I say I am a student (which is more socially acceptable) even when not studying at a college/etc (I do a fair bit of self-learning though). The self esteem is low due to being a man that isn’t independant, I feel here in Australia unemployed women are viewed with less contempt than unemployed men.
Very good comment, Leia, very good insight into what you are seeing.