Desperately Seeking Validation

You can please some of the people all of the time,

you can please all of the people some of the time, but

you can’t please all the people all of the time — Abraham Lincoln

People pleasing sounds like it should be a good thing; an earnest pursuit; but actually it’s a behavioural kink formed in childhood, occurring when a child becomes overly compliant in meeting their parent’s needs, in order to gain love, approval, and acceptance.
In other words, the need to please is borne out of insecurity, low self-esteem, and a desperate need to gain power, love, approval, and acceptance .

In adulthood, this learnt behaviour can manifest itself as an insidious manipulation tool, whereby we try to become all things to all people, and are reliant on controlling the opinion of others, in order to manage our own insecurities and self-love deficit.

In simple terms, people pleasing equates to saying Yes, when inside we’re screaming No; to habitually prioritising others over ourselves; to violating our personal boundaries; abandoning our moral code; bypassing our integrity, and acting disingenuously.

There’s only one reason we contort ourselves to comply with the expectations of others in this crude way; it’s because when the validation comes, the adrenal hit feels good, like a drug, and the opposite makes us feels worthless, shameful, ‘not enough’.

In a romantic context, people pleasing manifests as ‘love bombing’ — whereby somebody cycles in and out of your life like a mini tornado, showering you with gifts, acts of service, attention, compliments, and affection, only to disappear as soon as their needs have been met.

This ‘fake love’ fix can severely test your discernment, and confuse the hell out of you, as you are picked up and put you down like a toy, erroneously given false hope for something more, but never getting it.

Ultimately, this disingenuous way of living is both exhausting and toxic, leading to endless turmoil in relationships, and huge disruption to one’s well being.

The way out of this maze is simple: embrace personal integrity; be yourself, warts and all, and care less about what other people think. Remember:

People will love you, people will hate you, and none

of it will have anything to do with you — Abraham Hicks

How people pleasing manifests itself:

People pleasers are martyrs; they sell out; they give themselves away; they constantly seek validation, and will say and do whatever is required to get it.
This behaviour is driven by the positive reinforcement of making someone happy in order to bolster their own self worth.
People pleasers are profoundly uncomfortable when disappointing or letting people down.Their need to please — based on fear of rejection and not being good enough – can be extremely destructive to both themselves and others.
In a relationship context, beneath the people pleasing Mr Nice Guy ‘chaser persona’ is a covert manipulator; a trickster adept at getting his own needs met by faking acts of service and romantic gestures in order to gain sexual gratification. He generally presents as being simultaneously generous and selfish and is therefore tricky to decipher.
Beneath all the faux niceties and disingenuous gestures of people pleasing lurks a seething well of guilt and resentment.
The driver behind people pleasing is validation, acceptance, a nod to the ego, the need to be wanted, desired, and admired.
People pleasers are excellent actors, adept at painting on a smile and saying nothing when they’re upset or angry, i.e. making out everything’s fine when it’s not.
People pleasers are social chameleons; they can ‘read’ the room; they see everything from another’s point of view; they can play along with the conversation and mirror the attitudes, mood and general disposition of whoever they are with, rather than standing firm in their own identity.
People pleasing pivots around inauthenticity. It’s all about wonky intentions; on the surface their behaviour seems totally acceptable, polite even, but lurking beneath the niceness is insecurity and untruth.
People pleasing is no more than a backwards power grab — these people avoid being powerful or responsibility in their own lives, and instead garners power from the validation of others, by currying favours and bending over backwards to be whatever that person wants them to be.

A friend to all is a friend to none — Aristotle

The way out of people pleasing:

1. Remember that you can never control other person’s feelings or opinions about you. The only thing you can control is how YOU show up in the world.
2. Acknowledge that people-pleasing is not a way of being ‘nice’ — it is a form of dishonesty used to manipulate how others see and feel about you.
3. The true difference between a people pleaser and a genuinely helpful person is that the latter has no hidden agenda. A thoughtful, empathetic person who GENUINELY cares about other people’s needs and emotional well-being will help them out of their goodness of their own heart, not because they’re trying to INGRATIATE themselves with someone for their own personal gain.
4. The most effective way out is by telling the TRUTH, even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear. A polite but effective No is far more commendable than going along with something you don’t want to do, and then resenting the other person for it.
5. Live in integrity. Walk your talk. Be mindful that the opposite of people-pleasing is inspired leadership, i.e. someone with firm boundaries, who stays true to their ideals, and is honest and transparent in conversation. E.g. The person who admits that yes, your bum does look big in those jeans is your friend; the person who lies and says it doesn’t is an enabler.
6. Fill your cup. Cultivate self-love and harmonise your relationship with yourself. Know that you are enough, and no amount of external validation can fill your cup for you.
7. Kick instant gratification to the curb. Stand firm in your identity and release yourself from the shifting sands of fake likes and faux friends on social media. Be yourself, no matter what they say; no mask, no hidden agenda. Remember you are not defined by the good, or bad, opinion of others.
8. Reacquaint yourself with your own needs; get clear on your dreams, realign with your life goals and purpose. Focus on self-service. Acknowledge that if you don’t have your own agenda, you’ll always be susceptible to someone else’s.
9. Set healthy boundaries — boundaries equate to self-respect, self-love, self- care, so, again, learn to say No if something is not in alignment with your highest good. The other person may not not thank you for it, but YOU will.
10. Communicate clearly and assertively. Express yourself with clarity, grace, and confidence, in accordance with your truth, however uncomfortable that may be. Remember that HOW you say No can greatly soften the blow.

Blessed are those brave enough to make things

awkward, for they wake us up and move us forward — Glennon Doyle

Here’s one last thought to be going on with; the next time you’re torn between a Yes or a No, remember this: behind every Yes should be LOVE, not fear, behind every No should be love, not malice.

JLO

If you enjoyed this article, please read this one on codependency: https://medium.com/hello-love/dont-f-k-the-messenger-20272b27aa8

Resources:

The Drama of Being a Child — Alice Miller
Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living, by Glennon Doyle
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
The Disease to Please, by Dr Harriet B.Braiker

Online:

‘The Ultimate Guide to Saying No: 19 Word-for-word scripts to help you say no with grace and compassion’. By Marie Forleo

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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