Despite the Poetry Book, Adultolescence Is a Thing

Have you ever observed an adult’s behavior and thought to yourself, “Well, that was immature.” Of course you have. Who hasn’t at this point? As a matter of fact, the first time you had this experience was when you were a child.

So it would appear that some adults still act like children, and yet, children are emotionally healthy or mature enough to spot immature behavior when they see it. It actually makes sense when you think about it.

Kids don’t have the amount of emotional baggage adults have, so they have less reasons to lash out in defense or cower in fear. It’s not that they don’t feel fear, but they are still in a stage where they know that life is supposed to be lived, not controlled.

Unfortunately, for many of us, the rite of passage into adulthood seems to be to forget that.

Nevertheless, we all know that when you’re a kid you’re supposed to grow into an adult, and growth means change. Adolescence was that intermediary step in the growth process but some of us received an additional stage to navigate.

There came a point where the transition from 18 to adulthood was characterized by a new breed of self-consciousness that appeared to be stunted growth but could be just another awkward phase in the step towards maturity.

Some call it pre-adulthood. Some call it adultolescence.

I’ve seen some definitions on it; they either say it’s about liking teen things as an adult or living with your parents.These could be symptoms.

Adultolescence is the phase where deep-seated childhood attachments either continue to define the individual or they cease to do so. There’s also the level of anxiety of being able to navigate the new world of Adult because one feels underprepared to do so.

The person in the throes of adultolescence is aware that they are not a girl, not yet a woman (yes, i really just wrote that) but they hate this fact. They know they haven’t transitioned as they expected, so they start to resent this state of life and the factors that caused this.

This would explain the entitlement accusations that were levied at Millennials a decade ago. Yes, they wanted it to be easy. But they wanted it to be just as easy as it was for the previous generations, not harder.

Who would want it to be harder? Life’s hard enough as it is. Increased drug use characterized Gen X while the Great Recession characterized the Millennial. Some Boomers had to deal with financial ruin after two great wars as kids while other Boomers grew to be blinded by the glittering spoils of war.

Psychologically speaking, being stuck in adultolescence can be seen as the inability to navigate through the psychosocial stage of identity versus role confusion. It also is elucidated in Jungian psychoanalysis as the puer aeternus and puella aeterna.

If you spent your adolescence questioning who you wanted to be, what you valued, and what you wanted to do in life, and then took the steps to become that person, you are typically considered an adult, and based on psychosocial theory, you are an adult.

However, in Jungian psychoanalysis, the eternal boy and girl are archetypes that are essentially born out of a fear to interact with the real world of real emotions and real consequences. On one hand, one seems to escape the eventual pain of life. On the other, one has forfeited growth and success.

Being in life is especially difficult today because humanity is facing so many existential threats, but when you add one’s personal threats and fears, it is natural to become overwhelmed.

A massive financial loss, failed relationship, a new maladaptive behavior, health scare, or stunning self-realization are some common pitfalls that cause people to stay unconsciously stuck, questioning why things can never change.

But what the manboy and womangirl will do is revert to childish or teenaged techniques to manage or escape these losses and threats.

It is natural for humans to want to stay safe. It is natural to want to minimize pain and maximize pleasure. But if this has been the go-to strategy for success and you haven’t been able to get it or sustain it, the strategy should be replaced with something that works.

The new strategy will be revolutionary and honestly, probably avoided like the plague until things get so bad that one has no choice but to try something different. The issues of this stage are resolved in the same way all other psychosocial stages are resolved.

One must not hide from the challenges, but face them. Using the potty, the first day of school, a fight, responsibility, your first job, choosing honesty when lying is easier, your first heartbreak, walking away from identities/beliefs that do not serve you, ending a friendship; these are all things that people have to face to mature.

And when you get older and have to navigate the next crises of life, you know you can do it because you understand the principle behind all your previous successes:

Face the crisis. Face the fear.

Gabbie Hanna, who wrote the poetry book Adultolescence wrote in her tribute, “for all the kids who grew up too fast, all the adults who refuse to grow up, and everyone who’s both.”

The honest truth is that while it is true that one may have been given too many responsibilities for a growing child who had their own things to figure out, adults who refuse to grow up tend to be problems for themselves and others.

And so we’re back to the beginning, because we all know adults of varying ages who are flatly just immature when it comes to certain things. Even a kid can spot the juvenility.

Nevertheless, the answer remains the same: Face the crisis. Face the fear. Only then can the adultescent change their behavior in order to get better results. Only then can they become an adult.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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