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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Why We Need to Grieve
Today’s video is truly special. A dear friend of mine, David Kesler, made a guest appearance at my live retreat in Florida this year, and he blew everyone away. David is the world’s foremost expert on grief, and the insights he shared in this session should be required listening for anyone looking to overcome pain, heal from past grief, and move on to a happier life. David changed my life during our session, which unexpectedly turned into something transformative for both of us.
In the middle of the interview, what David shared broke through any defenses I had, allowing me to release emotions I had been holding onto. He has the remarkable ability to penetrate our emotional barriers. I believe this conversation will resonate with you too, and I am excited for you to watch it.
Let’s start with a question that, after years of doing this work, may seem painfully simple: Why is it important that we grieve?
I know many people would offer a bumper sticker answer. Yet, so many of us avoid grieving because we fear opening that door. We may be grieving the loss of a loved one, a lost job, or a future we can no longer have. The truth is, no one in this room has escaped the impact of grief. Yet, so many of us spend our lives avoiding it.
One thing we’ve discussed this week is if we don’t have a compelling “why” for doing something difficult, we won’t do it. Logic alone doesn’t motivate us; we need a deeper reason to move forward. My hope with this question is that we connect with the deeper “why” behind grief: How does life improve when we choose to do the tough work of grieving?
I’ll give you the bumper sticker answer first: Those who grieve well live well.
Many of you know a bit about my experiences. Not only did I have to say goodbye to my mother, but I also have triggers—what I call activators—that lead to intense emotional responses. When triggered, our instinct is often to withdraw and protect ourselves. I invite you to consider your triggers—grief, trauma, or old wounds—as a map to healing.
Staying Present with Pain
We all know how to escape when we feel triggered, but I encourage you to stay present and get curious about your pain. It’s difficult, and I struggle with this myself. When confronted with old wounds, I often pause and remind myself to be curious rather than reactive.
One memorable experience at a retreat involved various groups sharing space in a hotel. After my session, the staff commented on how much laughter they heard coming from our room. They were surprised we were discussing grief, specifically the grief associated with unwanted change. This group was able to cry deeper and laugh heartier than others, showing how loss and healing can expand our emotional bandwidth.
A woman I encountered in my neighborhood recently said she followed my career but hesitated to be friends because it might be too depressing. I thought about how she would be surprised by my outlook on life. I am one of the most fun-loving people you’ll meet. I cherish joy and happiness, especially considering how fleeting they can be.
Reflecting on my childhood, I recognize I have been through significant trauma, including growing up with parents who struggled with their own issues. My father had unresolved rage, while my mother battled unmedicated bipolar disorder. Amidst all this, I faced sexual abuse, leaving me with coping mechanisms built on abandonment and trust issues.
For years, I have trained therapists who often share their stories of grief and loss. They are living proof that healing is possible. My hope is that today, I can demonstrate that no matter your past hardships, you too can find healing.
Why do we grieve? We grieve to live fully and to embrace the life we have, despite our wounds. As David says, “Grief is a change you didn’t want to happen.” This encompasses everything from death to lost opportunities.
What we run from pursues us, and what we face transforms us. It’s crucial to recognize that the discomfort you feel when confronted with grief is a natural reaction based on past experiences. Often, our minds predict danger based on our history, causing us to avoid these feelings. But it’s essential to understand that no emotional experience is final.
When we fight against our feelings, they tend to linger. However, accepting where we are allows change to occur. During retreats, I have seen many people feel pressured to react emotionally, only to then feel inadequate because they perceive themselves as lacking in emotion compared to others.
Embracing Our Unique Journeys
I always remind people that even when they feel “screwed up” in their relationships, they may actually be doing everything right per the imprints of their past. We are all navigating our relationships based on our personal experiences.
This is where true healing begins—not in the past but in the present moment.
David’s wisdom is profound. He offers practical insights that many of us can apply to our lives. If what David discussed resonates with you and you wish to work through something personally, I encourage you to check out his new workbook, “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.” This resource is designed to help you apply his teachings practically.
Please let me know your thoughts on this session in the comments. It was a meaningful experience for me and those in the room, and I hope it was for you as well. I look forward to hearing about your experiences with the workbook and the insights you gain from it.
Thank you, David, my friend, for sharing your wisdom. And thank you all for watching. Be well, and love life.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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