Did You Feel This One Emotion During Your Divorce?

Did you feel this one emotion during your divorce? Or do you associate it more with the decline of your marriage?

The emotion?

Regret.

I recently wrote “I’m a Divorce Columnist and I Rarely Hear People Say One Thing.” It’s true. In more than a decade of writing about divorce, I seldom hear people say they regret getting divorced.

This has been my experience.

Yet I realized I should clarify one thing.

What I’ve discovered (through my work) is that when the dust settles, regret often lives at the end of the marriage…rather than the beginning of life after divorce.

Let me explain.

Regret does accompany a marital decline.

This is where the emotion seems to temper. It’s where it flourishes. It’s where we regret our failed relationship. It’s where we regret this outcome for our children.

It’s where we regret our actions.

The poor choices we make during the demise of our marriage. The raised voices, the ugly words, the anger, the bitterness, and the resentment.

It’s where we regret the years we felt were wasted.

The ones where an unhappy love became impossibly unhealthy. We regret the years we remained too long because they turned us into people we didn’t like.

And if our spouse behaved badly?

It’s where we regret their bad behavior. The behavior that forced our hand. The behavior(s) that may have left us feeling as if we had no choice but to end our marriage.

Regret haunts us at the end of our relationships.

We regret all that we’ve lost.

The dream of a future. The life we believed we once lived. The life we believed we would still have. The spouse we believe once existed, once fought for us, once loved us.

And certainly, the beginning of a divorce…the process…the unbearable turmoil…the nastiness…the financial hardship…the worry…the angst…the pain…the concern for our children…can also be filled with regret.

I commonly say one thing about divorce. Especially since people judge those of us who have chosen this path.

Most people do not choose divorce. It’s the unfortunate outcome of exhausting all of our options.

It’s unwanted.

Yet remaining in an unhealthy and unhappy situation isn’t a solution.

I’ve found that regret often lives at the end of our marriage.

Once the divorce is in hindsight, many do not regret their decision. This is what I’ve experienced in more than a decade of counseling, research, and writing about love, relationships, and divorce.

This doesn’t mean they viewed divorce as a favorable experience.

Few divorces involve mature people who treat each other fairly.

They remember the brutality of it. They mourned their lost relationship and dreams. They felt the sadness and the stress. They may have suffered the financial consequences.

They felt all of it.

But once they traveled through this unfortunate evolution.

The marital demise, the decision to divorce, and the process. When they have moved forward. When they’ve healed in some manner via counseling, spirituality, renewed happiness, restored independence, etc.

They have the ability to release a haunting emotion.

Regret.

Are there any people who regret getting divorced?

Absolutely.

Especially those who felt forced into it. The spouse who never wanted the divorce. The spouse who felt blindsided. The world of relationships is never black and white.

Relationships are messy.

Marriage can make them messier.

I simply meant that as a divorce columnist, I rarely encounter those who regret divorce once it’s behind them. Not when they are in the midst of the emotional evolution, and the initial post-divorce aftermath.

That’s still often an era of angst.

There’s a calm that accompanies no longer being in a failing relationship. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean it’s what we wanted. But there is a relief that the emotional exhaustion has subsided.

I have a considerable amount of financial stress. I have worries. I struggle with sleep. I don’t regret leaving a man who filled my eyes with tears. I don’t regret divorcing him.

But I did allow that emotion to haunt me until I finally healed.

Did you feel this one emotion during your divorce?

Or do you associate it more with the decline of your marriage?

Let me know.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.