Ever since I got back in to the dating world, I have had to deal with this puzzling new phenomenon of men randomly sending me pictures of their penis.
Most of the time, this is done without permission to the women and without warning.
Even for confident women who have the best sense of humor, it can be awkward, if not downright repulsive. Being a Dating Coach to women, this topic comes up so much.
Yes, we are often offended but we are also puzzled and disheartened. The thing is, many times we are really enjoying getting to know a man by messaging or phone. We are looking forward to meeting and then, that hope fizzles away when we are randomly sent a picture of that great guy’s Johnson.
Why do men do this?
Few men will admit to sending them and have a heartfelt conversation with me about it, but I honestly believe there are really good men who make this common mistake. I try hard to tap into what I know about the male psyche and understand where this is all coming from, but until men start having honest conversations with themselves and others, it is only speculation.
My best guess is that it’s some form of peacocking (yeah I know there’s a pun there), and they are letting us know what they have to offer underneath their best date outfit before we meet them.
I think men forget that women aren’t sexually wired in the same way they are.
I’m sure some men wouldn’t object if we sent a naked pic to them before even meeting, they are more visual, after all. Many women, however, are initially interested in your thoughts on different subjects and the quality of your character.
This comes before we can even start thinking about what you’re packing.
Sending us a risqué picture before we’ve gotten to see your character is our first red flag.
For some women, you will scare the crap out of them. This will be enough for them to never reply or speak to you again.
A handful of women might confront you in a gentle way. Depending on how you receive that criticism, they’ll determine if things are going to move forward. Others, for whatever reason, may say nothing. It might be because they already like you enough to let it slide, they don’t do confrontation, or it’s the first time it’s happened to them and they they’ve no idea what to do about it.
At least 1 in every 5 women have been the victim of some form of sexual assault and you just violated them through their phone.
For a past abuse victim, you have no idea what that could trigger for them. While I have been a victim of date rape myself, it doesn’t trigger me but it does make feel like some of my power just got taken away. Does that seem a stretch to you? Well, it isn’t.
Let’s imagine you had met a woman in line at Starbucks, for instance, and you guys sit down keep the conversation going off to the side while you’re waiting for your latte. Would you, after just a few minutes conversing, suddenly unzip your pants and show her your package and say “You know, just in case you’re wondering.”?
Anyone? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Why do men think it’s okay, without warning, to electronically pull out their penis in the middle of a texting conversation?
Doing that at Starbucks will get you put in jail…doing it on your phone, well you just violated someone who doesn’t have a legal recourse because the laws haven’t caught up to technology yet. I hope they will someday.
Sexting within a relationship with two participatory partners is perfectly okay and actually can be fun. But you just whipped it out without her consent when you do that via your phone.
If you’re one of those polite men who always asks, well, that’s great.
Why do you feel the need to show your penis to a woman you have only just met?
What is motivating you…validation? Horniness? Voyeurism?
I’m not sure any answer would be sufficient here, but if you’re inwardly going into a shame spiral because you’re guilty of doing this, there’s a way to turn it around.
Dig into what motivated you and then work on that part of your character.
You could also apologize, if appropriate, to the women you’ve send indecent pics to before and make a vow to yourself to not do it again.
We need men to realize that any time something sexual happens without a woman’s consent, that we have been violated.
It needs to stop.
Ladies who are reading this, speak out and educate men about how it makes you feel, or send them a link to this article if that is too awkward for you.
Trust me guys, when your lady is ready to experience all of you, she will much prefer it in person and fully present with a resounding YES! I’m pretty sure that is worth is the wait!
Photo: Getty
It’s exhibitionism and power play and the reason I won’t talk to men on social media anymore. I’ve reached my limit. I can’t deal with their disgusting, entitled behavior anymore.
It’s not men “forgetting women are not wired the same”. It’s rape culture. It’s harassment, it’s entitlement.
http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/why-men-send-dick-pics/
Establishing it as a type of sexual harassment is probably the most realistic, since possessing, producing, and sharing those kinds of explicit imagery are not illegal. Start small, with an appropriately steep fine, and increasingly serious ramifications for repeat offenders.
I’m still trying to figure out what da fack possess a guy to do it.
The conversation gets slow so he’s like, hmm, got it. I’ll show her my dick? Fubar.
I’ve only sent a naked (full-figure, not just the genitals) picture of myself once. It was on an implicit request, and I will never do it again. Never know where it will show up. Then again, just 2 couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine got a message from a woman on Tinder, totally out of the blue. The message was a photo of her (naked) butt, accompanied with the text “Your place or mine?” It was his first ever contact with this woman, and he had absolutely no idea who she was. And no, he didn’t take her… Read more »
As soon as this happens. I stop talking to this man, or any man. I’ve thought maybe I’ve done something to make him feel he had these freedoms. Made me wonder if he’d do things to a stranger at the bus stop. Or how he’d feel if a man sent one to his mother or sister. I’m divorced. I came from an abusive marriage. I’ve given up hope there is any man out there with morals or respect to women. I’ve gone on dates and been told I’d be a good fuck as if that’s all I’m worthy of..
it should be illegal.. with jail time consequences
The fact is that no decent man sends a picture of his penis to a woman. Period.
If she wants to see it, she’ll have to work for it. I’m not just giving it away.
🙂
Though few like receiving unsolicited naked pictures, it’s critical to examine the possibility of scope creep Unsolicited: Words: are unsolicited titillation to be treated similarly? “I want to fuck you”. “I want to make love to you”. “Lick my pussy”. “Want to see my breasts?” Less titillating pictures: fully exposed breasts, deep cleavage shots, bum shots a la Kardashian, semi-hard crotch pant pictures Representations: explicit anime and cartoons. Secondly, who is most likely to get snagged in these sort of policy decisions? Young people with less impulse control, navigating their new sexuality? New crime categories are not the way to… Read more »
It should be some sort of crime.
“but I honestly believe there are really good men who make this common mistake. ” No there are not. Not really. I don’t consider them men, but offensive little boys in a man suite…which is why so few will openly admit to doing so. No reason for it, and trust me, it pisses good men off more then it does you, because we are painted with that same brush. No excuse for it, no reason for it, and yes, it should be considered a minor sexual offense when unsolicited…because that is exactly what it is (no more or less then… Read more »
“No reason for it, and trust me, it pisses good men off more then it does you, because we are painted with that same brush.”
Seconded.
@ DJ Roukan “a minor sexual offense when unsolicited” I wonder about that. I agree sending pics to women one barely knows or doesn’t have a romantic link to should be an offense similar to cyber flashing, but where do we draw the line? I don’t like people touching me even close family. I’m not a “hugger” and don’t like “platonic” touch from men or women. Should I be able to file police charges because the sales lady put her fingers lightly on my arm? When is it a crime and when is it one of life’s irritants where it’s… Read more »
Touching someone lightly is not the same thing as sending an explicit picture or message. Please. It’s not an irritant to women receiving this pictures and messages. It’s harassment. It’s disgusting.
I’ve never done that, but I remember something a college woman said about being able to see her male friends naked. They’ll let us get away with anything in the hope of getting away with something. I suppose it’s the inequality. If I send you one, you’re obligated to send me one.