Difficult Conversations Are the Ones We Need to Have

Sometimes in life there are things that we hold ourselves back from saying to our loved ones out of fear of how they are going to react. We don’t want to upset the delicate balance of our relationships.

We don’t trust ourselves and our loved ones to bring out the best in each other. So we sell ourselves short. We make ourselves less. We hold back the deepest parts of ourselves because we are afraid of how things are going to be received by the other person.

Yesterday I had a difficult conversation with my partner. We started from a place of peacefulness and openness. That allowed us to talk about things from a place where we were really listening to each other.

It is important to listen instead of just waiting for our turn to speak.

Listening is a form of empathy

When you really listen to someone, you empty your mind, you silence your internal dialogue, and you open up your heart truly to the other person.

You can use techniques like active listening or transformational listening, because you want to be able to be truly present with the person that you are listening to. You want to hear their thoughts and feelings without judging them.

It is important to listen to understand instead of just listening to hear. You want to listen to the other person’s heart. You want to listen to their soul. You want to listen to their feelings. You want to give enough space to honor them.

Giving someone space to be really heard means that you are really open to them and what they have to say. When you are open, it allows someone else to share their truth so that you can learn more about them. It shows love for them. Love is openness for another person. We share love through our openness.

According to CentraCare,

“When I am listened to, I feel loved.” At first, this may seem to be a simplistic statement, but when you think about the last time you felt that someone gave you their undivided attention, took the time to really listen to you, asked questions and empathized with you. It can be surprising how loved or cared for this makes you feel.

When you honor the truth in another person, it allows them to feel safe so that they can be open with another person. It allows us to love them more, and to create a safe space for them to share themselves with you.

How to be a better listener

CentraCare continues with some tips to be a better listener:

• Stop what you are doing and put aside your phone and other distractions.
• Face your body toward the speaker and maintain eye contact during the conversation.
• Don’t forget the obvious, stop talking.
• Put other things out of your mind and focus on what the speaker is saying.
• Pause before jumping in to the conversation and allow the speaker to complete their thought or further explain and clarify their idea(s).
• Ask relevant questions and provide other nonverbal cues that demonstrate your interest.
• Occasionally summarize what you have heard the speaker say to make sure you have understood what they are trying to convey.
• Empathize with the speaker. Keep an open mind, try to set aside preconceived ideas and judgements and consider the speaker’s perspective.

Back to the conversation with my partner. Yesterday we were able to talk about an emotionally charged topic without being upset over things, because we were both open to each other. We both displayed love and trust.

We allowed ourselves to be open to whatever turns that the conversation was taking. We didn’t script or plan something out. We wanted to show love, trust and openness first of all. When that is your goal, then you can talk about anything.

You don’t have to allow your feelings to get hurt because in your trust and honesty, you are caring for both your feelings and the feelings of the other person. Honesty and trust begets more honesty and trust.

We laid aside all preconceptions about how each other would feel. We were able to maintain a sense of calm, openness and collaboration. We want what is best not just for ourselves but each other and our kids too. We want to do something that is good for everyone, where all of us can be happy most of the time.

That is what communication is about. It is about creating a situation that is best for everyone. We can only do that when we know what everyone really needs deep down. We can only honor each other’s feelings when we truly know those feelings. And that is why trust is so important.

I hope that you are able to talk things through in your relationships in a similar way to the way that I did with my partner.

Remember, it isn’t you against each other when you are having a discussion. It is both of you against the problem. When you can work together and collaborate, two heads are better than one. Two hearts are better than one. Two hands can reach out and hold the other person through their time of need.

Creating openness and trust in relationships can come from having better communication.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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Photo credit: Christina @ wocintechchat.com on unsplash.com