Disciplinarian vs Fat Shaming

When I was growing up kids were cruel. I mean…mean. If you didn’t have a few quick jokes in your pocket or were ready to fight if it came to that you were in trouble. The bus ride to school was ComicView. The cafeteria tables were a lounge at Def Comedy Jam. Homeroom and everything in between might have had the comedic value of Martin and Living Color. Sometimes it was all in good fun and a regular day, but other times it could get downright evil. You see everybody didn’t have the fanciest clothes or physical disposition to be untouched in the roast sessions, and quite frankly, everybody could be ridiculed. Everything that would get a social media mob of avengers storming at the aggressor’s door for fat shaming, homophobia, and racism wasn’t around back then. Those same jokes could lead to consistent bullying and even fights.

Every day I think back on those simpler, but not so simpler times to try and avoid that in my children’s lives as much as possible. In my quest to do so I’ve realized I do a great many things that will not only avoid them getting clowned, but it is simply good for them to maintain as humans. A series of questions on my daily checklist such as:

Did you put on lotion?
Did you brush your teeth, yet? Let me see.
Did you put on deodorant? I know it says 24–48 hour protection. It’s lying.
You don’t match. Go upstairs and try again.
Those shoes are dirty. Those are now your play shoes. Put on a different pair.

Yet, the hardest of them all is watching and maintaining their diet and getting them to engage in physical activity. Especially, when it comes to my daughter.

This is where it gets tricky. Let’s go over a few lessons that I have learned the hard way.

Lead With Love and Show It

I’m a bit institutionalized. I’ve been in the Army for 14 years. I’ve had the mentality for 18 years if you count Army ROTC being a part of my daily lifestyle. In fact, the physically fit lifestyle is who I am. Therefore, there are a couple of things that I have to let go of when it comes to people and my family.

They are not me.
They are not Soldiers.

My daughter does not have to be subject to the Army’s height and weight standards that have been ingrained in my skull for half of my adult life. Expectations must be set to their level with balance and compassion.

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When the majority of your interactions with your children are commanded, whether direct or indirect, the relationship can become defined by obedience and waiting for the next task. Instead, these relationships could be filled with fun moments, curiosity, and nurturance. –Psychology Today

Presenting healthy options and the opportunity to make exercise fun by doing it with her, providing a list of activities she may enjoy, and finding out her interests in athletics will knock out two birds with one stone. I get to spend precious one-on-one time with her void of electronics, interruptions, and other people. Secondly, we are both increasing our health in a fun way.

Additionally, doing exercise with your children shows them it’s not an act of punishment. It’s a family moment to be enjoyed, and if done right, something to look forward to during the week. Lead by example and do it with a smile.

This is where love comes into play.

It’s ok to push your children to greater heights and let them learn early to dig deep and build strong character, but don’t push too hard and look disappointed should they falter. Children are smart and can read the look of despair on your face even if you don’t say a word. Contrary to popular belief, nothing seems to make a child feel like the smallest thing on Earth than a parent’s disappointment.

Take joy in their struggles and give high praise for their effort. Motivate them. Nothing makes a person lose interest and care more than not feeling appreciated for their hard work. Reward them for pushing themselves beyond their limits. Lift them up for trying. Congratulate them for having the courage to show up give their very best today. Show them this is one of the many variations of self-care at your disposal, and that you are taking care of yourself. It goes a long way.

Leave It To The Professionals

My wife notices my frustrations with the lack of physical activity and helps me generate new ways to get my children to get active without going overboard or a jackass. As the motherly protector of the household, if I get too harsh or too hard on them she’ll quickly check me. I’m glad we have that balance, and she is the main reason I have softened and wised up on my methods and expectations. The best piece of advice that she gave me was to let the doctor tell the kids how to eat and maintain a healthy lifestyle. The kids know and see nagging old daddy every day. Hearing it from their doctor during their next check-up will be different coming from him, and may be more impactful.

She was right.

My kids hung on every word of what the doctor told them to do. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Thirty minutes of fun exercise a day. Limit screen time to 1 hour. Limit your sweets. Same thing I’ve said before, but nobody likes listening to the constant reminding father. It also helps that he’s a professional.

What really worked for me, is to ask the doctor questions in front of my kids to appear that I’m curious about the best ways for them to be healthy. A stealthy but quite impactful way to get my kids to realize the importance of their health.

Hey Doc, how should my child eat?
Should I take them out to play and get some exercise every day? If so, how long should we be outside?
If I sign my daughter up for sports what’s the benefit?
What does too much screen time do to the body and mind?

Despite knowing this information already, really engaging with your doctor with the kids and allowing them to ask questions themselves pays great dividends. Not only can the doctor give you further insights and tangible assistance, but you can also utilize the doctor’s educational advice to back you up in your home strategies.

For instance, I check my daughter’s lunch account at school and noticed she was flying through money like she was dining at a restaurant every day. After digging a little deeper I noticed she was buying chips, ice cream, and juice every single lunch period. Sometimes multiple snacks a session. When I told her to stop, I didn’t ostracize or belittle her for her eating habits. She’s a kid. Kids love junk food and it’s natural. I’d be a fool to think she’d go get an extra side of broccoli. Besides telling her she was about to run me to the poor house, I simply reminded her of what the doctor said. You can treat yourself but not in excess.

I haven’t had a problem since.

Be A Trustworthy Example

The biggest takeaway I have from this experience is to be the example of a man I want my children to emulate and trust. My biggest fear is they will take the negative qualities that I have and accept those same attributes from other men in the future because that is what they received from me and they think that it’s ok. I only want to inspire, build them up, and increase their self-worth. Especially, when it comes to my daughter. I never want her to think that she isn’t good enough physically or emotionally for anyone. That is never the case.

Everything we do as parents our children see and remember. It is imperative we only speak positively and out of love. The last thing I want my daughter to be in is an abusive relationship or be in a place of trauma from me being too hard on her. If she can confide in me, trust me, and feel safe around me I have done my job and provided her with an example of what to look for in a future relationship.

If I fail, she’ll find someone like Aries Spears, who will shamelessly judge and attack women by their shape alone. Women are more than that, and I must exude the respect that ladies deserve in all aspects of my life. Most importantly, my son will reflect my character and treat women righteously as well.

It’s a fine line that must be trodden carefully. Parents are the number one role models for our children. Don’t fail pushing them too hard, even if your intentions are honest.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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