I know what it feels like to date as you’re working toward transitioning into a secure attachment style.
You’re happy that you’ve attacked the elephant in the room and are implementing behavioral techniques that benefit you on your journey.
Part of you still feels shame because learning earlier would have “changed the outcome of past experiences.”
You can even find yourself being overly skeptical and over-analyzing your experiences.
With all these thoughts in mind, you’ll adapt and change as the dating environment shifts.
That means knowing how your behaviors, needs, and boundaries need to adjust.
Focusing on your growth and how it aligns with prospects is the key to navigating modern dating.
Dating has changed, whether you think it’s for better or worse. Regardless of how you feel, you have to change with it.
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Open the door
You will hear me consistently talk about one thing, no matter which attachment style I am referring to; communication.
A caveat is that it means something different to how each attachment style functions and effectively communicates.
Walk into a situation knowing what works for you and what does not.
As a starter, pick the phone up when you feel like texting and call instead. The other option is to meet face-to-face as much as possible.
Duh, that seems simple.
For the dismissive-avoidant, the importance is creating intimacy, and that does not happen over text.
You might think that is universal, but other attachment styles do not function the same.
Texting can get boring, and a lack of excitement can leave you looking for the exit.
You want to create moments where you can bond or feel close to someone by hearing their voice or seeing them.
Dismissive avoidants take time to form that connection; anything you can do to hyper-accelerate the process will benefit you.
Another thing to look out for is someone who is the polar opposite of your personality type.
I am not discouraging you and stating it will never work, but dealing with a highly anxious person does not match well with the dismissive-avoidant thought process. (For example)
You might feel overwhelmed or rushed to process. That can throw off your communication.
Learn how to navigate dating different personality types before you continue pursuing them.
Be honest about what serves you and your ability to communicate as you grow.
If you have a connection with someone and do not want this piece to throw off what you have built, create a process for you to communicate effectively as a team.
Monkey see, monkey do
We live in a fast-paced environment; people want information quickly.
For the dismissive-avoidant, it is necessary to understand what that means to your emotional and behavioral responses.
Opening up and sharing personal details does not come naturally to you, but it is a quality people look for early in communications with a prospective partner.
You will struggle if you do not discover a method that works for you to share intimate details.
A technique I like to implement is story sharing, a 1:1 exchange of stories or explanations surrounded by intimate details of your life.
You struggle to share because you feel exposed and vulnerable.
For one, that is good. I want you to knock down that emotional fear. Second, while it makes you feel weak, others view it the opposite way. You look powerful.
Story sharing removes that layer of shame you experience. Someone who is relatable to you will strip that fear you have to expose yourself.
Smooth sailing
I will not beat around the bush. You will not last in a long-term partnership that has moments of volatility.
What is one short-term thing that can create long-term volatility? Inconsistency.
Since you are looking for consistency, you lead the path for what that looks like when you begin dating someone.
How often do you see each other? Do they meet your friends right away? Are you posting each other on social media? When?
These questions might not directly relate to each other, but they all lay the foundation for creating the path of consistency.
Do not let these questions go unanswered, and you go with the flow.
You have to set the expectation and model for what that looks like.
Avoiding volatility comes in the form of conflict resolution as a second component.
That is something to focus on if this is not your first or second date, but you are moving toward the honeymoon stage as you become exclusive with someone.
Talk about what someone expects of you and vice versa when fixing problems.
Do you both need space and time to think? Does the other person like to hit problems head-on?
The best time to have these conversations is when you are not in moments of conflict.
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Dating is different from ten years ago. I am not calling us a generation of flakes, but people are looking for the next best thing.
Emotional stability, behavioral awareness, and knowledge of your needs and boundaries will set you on the path to success.
Know what you know and learn what you have to learn.
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Photo credit: René Ranisch on Unsplash
