All relationships have their ups and downs. You might share moments of joy with your partner one day, and the next, feel fed up and frustrated. It’s unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, yet there are ways to figure out if you’re stuck in a truly miserable relationship that isn’t really working.
Wanting to be together is important for any relationship, and we might think that if the desire to stay is gone, the relationship will end. Yet life is rarely that clear-cut: A study explored the barriers to leaving an unsatisfying relationship to show how shared responsibilities like financial agreements and social pressure from family and friends are just two things that can cause couples to stay together even though they’re unhappy. Feeling forced to stay despite wanting out makes people utter some phrases that make it clear they’re in an unhappy relationship.
Here are 5 rare phrases people in truly miserable relationships say pretty much every day:
1. ‘Everything is fine’
Pretending that things are okay when they’re not can be a reflection of a troubled relationship. When someone asks if something is wrong and their partner replies, “I’m fine,” it can be an example of indirect or passive-aggressive communication.
“Denying feelings of anger is classic passive-aggressive behavior,” explained relationship coach Ann Thea. “Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about their feelings, the passive-aggressive person insists, ‘I’m not mad,’ even when they are seething on the inside.”
Sometimes, we want our partners to know exactly what’s going on in our heads, but nobody is a mind reader. If we’re feeling bad and want support, we have to express that to have our needs met.
2. ‘You’re overreacting’
If one partner tells the other their reaction to an emotional situation is, well, too emotional, it could be a sign of deep dissatisfaction in the relationship. Instead of accepting a partner’s response and holding space for them to be upset, telling them their reaction is unwarranted cuts them down and diminishes them. This phrase makes it seem as though their feelings aren’t valid and is often a form of gaslighting.
Couples counselor Larry Michel suggested, “When someone is invalidated in their pain, they don’t just get hurt. They begin to doubt their own reality. That leads to anxiety, depression, emotional shutdown, and resentment. In relationships, it’s the moment someone stops sharing and trusting you with their truth.”
3. ‘You’re so needy’
Another example of diminishing someone’s feelings is to make them feel as though their needs don’t matter. The reality is that all humans have needs. Expressing that we want our needs met is a healthy way to navigate them. So, if one partner calls another out for something as normal as wanting affection or validation, it could be a sign they aren’t happy in the relationship, and therefore, aren’t able to give.
4. ‘I can’t do this anymore’
While taking space in the heat of an argument can be the right move to make, saying, “I can’t do this” in the midst of conflict can make your partner feel like you’ve got one foot out the door. Using this phrase could be framed as weaponizing the threat of leaving. Instead, saying, “I need a few minutes alone,” or “I need some time to process this” are healthier versions of expressing the need to tap out for a bit.
5. ‘You don’t really know me’
Judy Tiesel-Jensen, a marriage and couples counselor, revealed the one phrase she hears over and over in sessions with miserable couples: “You don’t know me at all.”
“The biggest complaint I hear from wives centers on the wife not feeling known by her husband,” Tiesel-Jensen shared. “Over time, wives begin to feel taken for granted or not valued, which then strains the fabric of their relationship.”
Feeling seen, heard, and held in a relationship is hugely important to keeping love alive. If one person feels as though the other person isn’t paying attention to them, it could make both halves of the couple very unhappy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Amanda Hortiz On Unsplash
