Hit with a surprise divorce, newly-separated mom Jenny Kanevksy stands up, shakes herself off, doesn’t look back, and roars.
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How many months or years in the making? I don’t know; I feel duped. I guess I let myself be.
He pretended, laughing at family dinners, fathering, cuddling, kissing, celebrating my birthday, Christmas, changing jobs, and making other major life decisions.
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My husband, typically passive, decided. He sat with it, absorbed it, and lived it for months, maybe longer. He pretended, laughing at family dinners, fathering, cuddling, kissing, celebrating my birthday, Christmas, changing jobs, and making other major life decisions. He didn’t want to face it, I guess. He’s not devious. He’s scared.
But, he was cold. It was a 20 minute conversation delivered in a familiar emotionless tone. It was a sucker punch to the gut. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m done. I’ve only stayed because of a promise.” Well, then, 17 years and two kids.
It was a sucker punch to the gut. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m done. I’ve only stayed because of a promise.”
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Because of who I am, I talked about wanting to make the marriage work. But his resolve was steelier than ever, and his words were sharp.
I finally said: “OK. I don’t want this, but if you do, then that’s it.” Did he expect me to try to talk him out of it?
He wanted to wait to tell the boys. He wanted to stay in the house for a few more months, keep up a front, maintain an “intact household.” That’s denial. The players may be there; intact is something else entirely. I don’t pretend.
“No,” I said. “You chose this. I won’t pretend, watching you make nice with our sons while I crumble and we both sit in a big pile of denial shit. You want this? You got it.” And, although I’m hurt and angry, I want my children to feel safe in their home, at peace. And I want all of us to be happy. And we weren’t.
We told them gently, said all the right things, it’s not your fault, we love you, we need to be apart right now. I know what it’s like to hear parents badmouth each other, year after agonizing year. I won’t do it to my children.
I held my younger son for an hour after his father left for a nearby motel. He keened; inconsolable. “I want Daddy back. Bring him back.” My chest imploded.
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I held my younger son for an hour after his father left for a nearby motel. He keened; inconsolable. “I want Daddy back. Bring him back.” My chest imploded.
My older boy said, “Mom, I know you’re going to deny it but this sounds like divorce.”
“We don’t know right now, Daddy and I need to live apart. You’ve seen the stress; it’s not healthy. We’ll talk about it anytime. You can ask anything, of me or Dad.”
And later, on night one, the sweet older brother, holding his weeping “little baby boy” brother cooing “It’s OK, baby, it’s OK.”
I’m their mom. I have to ride this storm with them. Meanwhile, I’m riding my own; gutted.
And later, on night one, the sweet older brother, holding his weeping “little baby boy” brother cooing “It’s OK, baby, it’s OK.”
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In the 48 hours that followed, I raged a shit-storm of emotions including shock, sadness, fear, anger, regret, relief, and exhaustion.
And, yet as my personal life crashed, the universe reminded me of my strength. Within hours of his leaving me, I was invited me to join BLUNTmoms as a regular contributor; a cadre writer. I gaped at the email. Well played, universe. I had wanted this for months, not just professionally, but because it feels like home to me. The writers’ voices, the editors’ feedback and support; it’s my virtual family of women who get me, have my back, hear my voice, and want more of me, all of me, not less. He may have fallen out of love, but I have them.
And, yet as my personal life crashed, the universe reminded me of my strength.
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The next morning, I awoke to another email. The Good Men Project accepted an essay I had submitted weeks ago. Because of the holiday, there was a delayed response. I had assumed a rejection. This was a “big fish” goal. A site I admire, with writing that needs to be read, absorbed, and internalized about men, women, relationships, and raising boys in a hard world, among other things including honest takes on racism, poverty, and politics. I am now a regular contributor with a weekly column.
My first essay was about my amazing sons whom I will parent as a single mother, my compassionate sons who heal me, and who have changed and rocked my world. And it was shared with hundreds of thousands. Five months ago, I had a poorly designed personal blog with 235 followers and no external presence. I had an out-of-print novel that is now selling on Kindle. I now have over 1,000 followers. Twitter is abuzz.
I am soaring with a band of sisters (and Good Men brothers) at my flank, protecting me at all costs.
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I am soaring with a band of sisters (and Good Men brothers) at my flank, protecting me at all costs. My fingers fly across the keyboard, my craft flourishes, my audience responds. I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a mother who loves her children and will give them a safe place for happiness. And I will have my safe place. I got this.
Originally published as “I Became a Single Mom Overnight” on HuffPost Divorce.
Photo—Rob Bixby/Flickr
So eery how similar our stories are. Thanks for sharing and helping me get through.
Divorce usually happens suddenly if you are the one being hit with it, and not the one initiating it.
I am hard-pressed to imagine that anyone initiates a divorce without absorbing it and living with it for months.
Inspirational! As a fellow writer, the wrap up really struck me. Reading this piece was like watching a phoenix rise, and soar. Brilliant. Cheers!
Thank you Travis! I will need to re-read your comment when I’m having a bad day. Because they happen too. Glad you enjoyed it.
I was married for 26-years and knew the marriage was in trouble — but my husband promised to work on his issues (I had been working on mine for four years) and the marriage. Long story short, he didn’t — and when I finally worked up the courage to ask him last spring if he wanted to be married to me anymore, he said, “No — I think I’m done,” and then hit me with the “I love you — I’m just not in love with you.” He moved to the guest room with the promise that we would discuss… Read more »
Every situation is different just as the players are. It’s impossible to call one person’s actions cowardly (or not) without knowing the background, the relationship dynamics, etc. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. It is one of the hardest things to go through, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage, especially when children are involved. I propose grace and compassion for each other and our unique situations. You need to take care of yourself and I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward, all of you.
Sorry buddy, it’s only courageous when a woman does it.
I have ended my own relationship about 16 hours ago. Yes. And I just want to say this: I had been struggling for months through a sea of fear, responsibility, crippling guilt and gaslighting by a partner who would adamantly deny there was a problem at all, and who now accuses me of having destroyed her life forever. I resent the insinuation that I (and others) acted cowardly in this. It takes a hell of a lot of courage, in fact.
Theorema you are right!
“Shock, sadness, fear, anger, regret, relief, and then exhaustion…”
So terrible to go through all that…it is like a betrayal….a negation of everything you have worked so hard for…
Yes, it felt that way. Thank you for the supportive words. I have found so much solace in my online community of sisters and brothers, in writing, in my kids, in my friends. It’s hard now, but I know the better is yet to come.
It breaks my heart to hear that kids are involved, too…life is just so tricky….it’s probably too soon to hear this, but my BFF was blind-sided, like you (later, he regretted leaving and tried to come back, but she was done!)….anyway, she recovered and found her grounding….little by little, she started going tout again and met some terrific people…and later, the new love of her life (and he is a keeper and a gem!)….now looking back on the trauma of it all, she is grateful to have found this new soulmate, even though it took so much heartache and trauma… Read more »
Having had a very similar experience, I must say I think it IS devious. I think my ex was incredibly, enormously devious and cowardly to spend months or a year working up the inner resolve to divorce me while keeping these thoughts and feelings secret so that by the time I even knew that what was wrong wasn’t just work-related or ill-mother-related stress, the decision was already made, stamped, sealed and carved in stone.
I hear you, G. It felt like a betrayal. My trust is shattered. How he handled it was horrible, for me, and the kids. Since I have told people, I have heard so many say that they never heard of anyone saying “I don’t love you anymore” like that. Seventeen years of marriage and two kids. It is really cruel. It hurt a lot. I am at the point now where I wonder if he ever really loved me, and not because I am un-loveable but because of his capacity. It’s very sad for the kids and handling it like… Read more »