My father-in-law was one of the best human beings I’ve known. He was all things good in this world. I would say he only had one flaw. He never stopped beating himself up over the loss of a job. Even after he retired.
I related to this during the collapse of my marriage.
“No one is harder on Colleen than Colleen,” said my marriage counselor.
I couldn’t stop beating myself up. For the same reason, my father-in-law couldn’t. I let my family down. My children were paying the price for my mistakes.
When my father-in-law spoke these words I would protest. I would remind him of his success. I would tell him he hadn’t let anyone down. I would say what a great man he was. A great husband and father. It was only one job and he had gone on to rebuild.
He didn’t absorb my words, he was busy beating himself up.
In his worldview, it wasn’t a moment in time. It wasn’t a part of his journey. It wasn’t meant to be his path. It was something he couldn’t forgive himself for. He couldn’t achieve peace. He allowed it to define him. It was a life event.
A world event.
Something I understood as I experienced the end of my marriage.
There is no shame in losing a position or in a divorce. But we often indulge it. We allow ourselves to believe it’s permanent rather than a temporary failure.
People lose jobs and relationships end.
Throughout our lives we will fail and we will recover. It’s a series of trial and error that cultivates our path. When we are younger we view it as either direction or re-direction.
More of a moment less world event.
But when we invest a large portion of our lives it’s harder to recover. Peace can be elusive. There’s more at risk when we spend decades building a profession or a marriage. A chunk has been taken our of our lives.
It can increase the perception of failure.
It feels less directional and more interrupted.
Until we forgive ourselves and achieve peace. These are stepping stones. Life is full of them. We are human. We can’t meet the next possibility until we recover from our last adversity.
And embrace these as a moment, not a world event.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com
