Ken Solin discusses what it means to outgrow a friendship.
One of the most difficult issues I’ve had to face in midlife is letting go of an old friend. I’ve invested considerable time and energy in my men friends over the years, and our support for each other has never wavered. We’ve been there for each other through my devastation of losing a son and their worst times as well. Friendships are forever, right? Apparently not.
Because I don’t take losing a friend casually, I struggled for a few years before finally feeling I had to let Jason go. I was aware that husbands and wives move apart, typically when one outgrows the other emotionally, but I hadn’t considered that friends sometimes outgrow each other, too.
Jason and I met in college and had known each other for four decades. Although we’d lived on opposite sides of the country for most of that time and didn’t see each other much, we frequently talked on the phone.
When I started my men’s group 20 years ago, Jason dismissed it out-of-hand, insisting that men can’t change, especially without the help of a therapist. He was skeptical and unsupportive when I began facing my issues, anger and the inability to sustain intimate relationships. As I worked through my issues with women, he seemed disappointed. He’d always enjoyed my stories about the long line of women and failed relationships I left behind; and it felt like he wanted that screwed-up guy back. The more emotional baggage I shed and the healthier and happier I became, the more he distanced himself. Frankly, I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t pleased for me. I’d cheered all his successes, but Jason clearly wasn’t cheering mine.
The last time I mentioned my inner work, Jason’s comment said everything about how he viewed change and growth. “You’re always reinventing yourself, but I’m still the same guy I’ve been for 40 years.” While I’d been facing down my demons and continue to free myself from them, he still hadn’t opened his Pandora’s box of issues, and was furiously hammering nails into it to keep it closed.
And no wonder. Jason had major issues. He’d been too terrified to get on a plane for decades, was a hypochondriac, controlled his adult children, was generally miserable, and seemed more afraid of living than dying.
As my friendships with other men deepened, he insisted he didn’t need friends. When I asked him who he talked with regularly about his life, he flippantly replied, “A couple of guys I know on Wall Street.” Pressed to name guys other than business relationships, he said nastily, “No one. I don’t need anyone and I’m bored listening to you talk about how important friends are.” As his only long-time friend, all I could say was, “Ouch!”
I wanted to hang in with Jason and urged him to consider working toward changing his life. I was living proof that men can change—an angry man who learned to control his rage, a loner who found the courage to trust other men, a relationship failure who finally discovered how to open his heart to a woman. But Jason dismissed all that. His refusal to change wasn’t being steady; it was being stubborn—especially since his life wasn’t working.
The last time I talked with him was when, after 25 years of not being able to commit to a woman, I was getting married. In response, he yelled at me, insisting that I was making a mistake—even though he’d never met my fiancé—and that I should live with her instead of marrying her. He treated me like a teenage boy and became so obnoxious and ungracious about one of the happiest events in my life, that I felt compelled to say good-bye. A friend doesn’t rain on a friend’s parade, ever.
All Jason had to offer me was unsolicited advice—no support, no joy. He was stuck in a time warp, wanting to keep me where I was because my growth made him uncomfortable. Not supporting a friend’s growth is the worst insult you can hurl at him—and it marked the end of our friendship.
Still, leaving him behind hurt because we shared a lot of history. Letting go is painful. But sometimes friends outgrow each other, and sometimes there’s no alternative.
Originally appeared at Huffington Post.
—Photo roman.petruniak/Flickr
Ken, thank you for sharing this posting with us. I’m sitting her reeling because my soon to be ex husband has taken his girlfriend to a Memorial Day party down the street from me. They’re attending the party that we attended as a family for years, with the friends that were family friends for twenty years. He seems comfortable putting her in my place, Ginger 2.0 I’ve been calling her, and our friends seem comfortable taking her in my place. My sin, the reason he left, and the reason that I’ve been ostracized, is that I chose to do inner… Read more »
I’m sorry to hear you went through that, but I’m not sure it’s a case of “men need ot learn to be better people” so much as “people need to learn to be better people.” Women struggle with this kind of stuff too.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
i want true love,
Very nice article, Ken. Anyone going through this now, should look up a song called, “Where You Want to Be” by Darren Hayes. It is thought by many that Darren is addressing is old partner, from the band Savage Garden in this song. A very touching song indeed. I haven’t seen a lot of material addressing this, but I have gone through this myself with friends and sadly, family. My grandfather was all right when I was a kid, but as an adult. He was more than happy to go out of his way to offer unsolicited advice (I understand… Read more »
Could it be that observing a guy for many years, and watching his failed relationships do damage, simply made your friend concerned about you? There is a difference between being realistic and being foolishly optimistic. I think people want to believe the best about themselves – and usually this is the big lie that they’ve changed. You might heal. But change? Highly unlikely. In any case, there is a plethora of evidence that getting married is a foolish act and unnecessary in a modern society in the absence of a land transaction or business alliance. Your long term friend was… Read more »
I was an angry man who raged out of control, frequently. I haven’t lost it like that in a decade. That’s real change, not imagined.
I never had a decent relationship with a woman because of my trust issues. I worked on my trust issues with women and married, and that’s change.
I was friendless until I looked at my fear around opening up with other men. I have several close, caring friends now. That’s change.
When I hear other men insist that change is impossible, I hear defeat. MEN CAN CHANGE!
“While I’d been facing down my demons and continue to free myself from them, he still hadn’t opened his Pandora’s box of issues, and was furiously hammering nails into it to keep it closed.” Your friend blamed you for opening your box. Did you blame him for keeping his closed? I was a much happier man before I opnened my box. One perfectly valid way to deal with a Pandora’s box is to let it die with you. When your body confronts a toxin or irritant, it will attempt to excrete or neutralize it. If this is not possible, the… Read more »
Your suggestion to leave the lid on your Pandora’s Box of issues and die at the same level of emotional health and well being you developed over a lifetime is reminiscent of ignorance is bliss. I don’t believe either ignorance or emotional unconsciousness are preferable to living in integrity with yourself. No man need accept life as it is today if it isn’t everything he hoped and dreamed it would be. That’s giving up and while easier that doing the work, there’s no benefit. I’m not sure how any man can avoid his issues and then fool himself into believing… Read more »
Friends get involved with us for who we are when we meet them, for the most part. If and when we change, whether by growing or by slipping down a deep hole, that old self ceases to be. If that old self is gone, the glue that held the friendship together can all too often weaken or break as well. Thus, we outgrow a friendship. This also holds true in a marriage. All too frequently, one partner subtly , or even overtly sabotages any efforts by the other to make significant changes, whether physical or emotional. It is a rare… Read more »
Wow, this really resonates. I’ve recently had to let go of a friend after 20 years and this is the first thing I’ve seen relating to this issue since it happened.
My husband had to end a 15 year+ relationship with a close friend this past year….His friend was so close and he even bought a house one block down from ours (I can hardly drive by his old friend’s house without feeling annoyance!)… His friend and his 2nd wife even lived with us for a couple of months (which was probably a poor judgment call, although at the time his friend asked me and I was sure I could do anything to help a friend….my mistake!)….While they were with us, they used to argue and bicker back and forth….they seemed… Read more »
Personal growth does cost and I lost a friend today because of it and because I have better boundaries. It still hurts and I grieve, yet, I did the right thing to distance myself from him. Making friends does not come easy for me, so this is a big loss. I live in a rural setting and although I travel about, many of the men I meet are either married or prefer to go home at night and be alone. I wonder how men make friends, and where they meet men who are conscious, aware, doing the inner work, wanting… Read more »
Thank you for this! I assure you, this is hardly a “guy” thing. I have had to divest myself of many friendships with women for the precise same reasons, and yes, some after decades of friendship. Personal growth costs… But for everything we forego, some much comes in to fill us again. Congratulations on dumping Jason! Here’s to time better spent!!