What can a shiny rock with no intrinsic value provide? Whatever you want it to.
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The times I’ve talked with guys about engagement rings, many of them approach it with the same pleasure as passing a kidney stone. That makes sense, as they are both unforgiving, jagged pieces of rock. In a recent article in the Guardian, Tauriq Moosa attacks them as worthless objects created by the deBeers marketing department, with no intrinsic value whatsoever. He goes further to pillory those who use them to “prove their love,” stating that if you need a physical object to show your love, your love is in trouble.
While the engagement ring may not symbolize all it did in the past, methinks he doth protest too much. Let’s face it, most of us don’t look forward to plunking down a serious chunk of change for something that can’t break the speed limit in three seconds, tell time accurate to the nanosecond, or save us thousands on our heating bill. Men lean toward the pragmatic, especially in America. It’s root hog or die, so why waste time and effort on things that don’t get the job done? That doesn’t mean a modern man doesn’t appreciate nice things, or subtle aesthetics. It’s just that we’ve come to appreciate form that follows function. And what’s the function of a shiny rock clamped to a hammered circlet of precious metal?
We forget the power of ritual in modern society, even as we mimic it and yearn for the transformations it can help provide.
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The function is not in the object, but in the ritual of choosing it, obtaining it, and giving it. We forget the power of ritual in modern society, even as we mimic it and yearn for the transformations it can help provide. Tests of endurance and feats of strength are our vision quests. Road trips have become our walkabouts. Would you forgo a bachelor’s party before marriage? No? Then if your future spouse wants one, buy the ring you can afford.
It is an expression of commitment, and it should take effort to obtain. That can mean a pricey diamond, or time spent finding the perfect ring, or asking relatives to let you pass on a family heirloom. DeBeers monetizes this ritual, but that’s not what it’s about. And it doesn’t have to be a diamond. If you care about “blood diamonds” make sure you read up on the subject.(“Conflict free” is in the eye of the beholder, and is about as regulated as “free range”‘ or “dolphin safe” in the food aisle.) I won’t argue with Moosa’s skewering of the diamond industry, from the pollution of the mines, the horrid treatment of many workers, the hoarding that drives the prices up, and so on. It has the same intrinsic value as gold, the kevlar laser-cut shell of a Droid phone. You decide what it is worth to you. Does it have to be X number of paychecks? That is up to you and your future fiance. If you can’t compromise on those things, it is a good way to measure what your future arguments over money and spending will play out, so the ring serves that purpose as well.
I know a husband who knew his wife wanted a Tiffany diamond, and saved until he could afford one. I know couples who didn’t buy an engagement ring, or ones that were sold to pay bills during the lean years and replaced on an anniversary. People who went for tattoos instead, and women who bought the ring themselves, or couples who split the cost, which has become more and more common. The ring is not a symbol of love, but of work. Love is behavior, and it takes a mature man to go through the process of procuring an engagement ring, whether by saving enough to buy a jet ski or seeking out a modest gift that blows his fiance’s mind, or approaching that distaunt great-aunt who is the keeper of the heirlooms and convincing her that this woman is the one, and will be a member of the family for for keeps.
It is okay to be skeptical. Men are objectified as breadwinners in our culture just as women are objectified for their bodies. Do you want to be chosen simply because your salary or credit rating allow you to purchase a ridiculously priced rock? That is ritual as well. The songbird courts, the elks lock horns, and the human, we show we can raise a family. Is it right? No, I don’t think money is the final arbiter of whether you can provide for and properly raise children. That’s something intangible, that drives you to do it whether it’s easy or not. If you look at it from that angle, you’re sure to be bitter about it. But if you see it as a gift to someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, it becomes easier to swallow. And it is a gift. You don’t walk around saying “hey, like that expensive gift I got you last year?” to people, do you?
It doesn’t prove your love, but it can symbolize it if you want it to. When I see my wife’s ring, I think to myself, I put that there. I went through the effort of finding someone I wanted to marry, and who wanted to marry me, and working out the issues to make a long term relationship work. It wasn’t a brand of ownership I put on her hand, it was something beautiful, with no intrinsic value, that would symbolize the years we spent courting and dating and working together so a marriage would last.
We ignore the power of ritual at our peril. Are these rituals of proposal, and even matrimony truly necessary? No, but they do have a lasting effect. They can be replaced with your own personal, meaningful acts, however subtle, that only mean something to the two of you, but they will matter, and the feelings can be evoked again and again by whatever gift you exchange to commemorate them.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Spending ones own money is different than expecting a gift. Or is it that his money automatically hers too?
If you want a progressive relationship you need to take the good with the bad, same as if one chooses a traditional relationship. Choosing to believe that you deserve the best of both while your mate gets the shitty ends of both sticks is unfair.
Thomas, only have one issue with your piece, the idea that “Men lean toward the pragmatic, especially in America.” I’ve seen plenty of men happy, eager and ready to blow all kinds of money on boats, gas for boats, cars, grills, stereo systems, the lastest and greatest big screen tvs, sports tickets, bachelor parties, expensive steaks..etc etc etc….. Yet, alot of guys act like women are evil because they want a ring when they get married. So no, men do not always lean toward teh “pragmatic”. They also often seem to justify their interest in the things they like that… Read more »
If you aren’t sure, check with the person you’re thinking of giving the ring to. Only that person can really tell you what his/her expectations are about engagement rings. If you don’t talk about it and want to surprise her instead, be sure you keep the receipt….
When we got married, I bought my husband a Tag Heuer watch and had it engraved… He wears his ring and he loves the watch!
Despite growing up in America, the idea of expecting a guy to buy me a gift without me reciprocating seems inherently foreign. My fiance and I just recently gave each other matching rings (which we will also use as wedding rings). They don’t have diamonds because diamonds seem kind of boring and needlessly expensive (my ring has a small deep red garnet, which I think is much prettier than a colorless diamond). When we go on dates we split the cost but sometimes one of us treats the other. I guess we don’t really identify strongly with the male and… Read more »
Huh, I always assumed two rings was the norm.
You are maybe — like me — not an American?
Quite American–the most recent immigrant in my family tree is my grandmother who moved from Lithuania when she was just a little girl… way back in the early 1900s.
Hey, congrats on your engagement, and very cool that you bought two rings. Don’t assume that people who did not opt for your way are brainwashed, branding their women as cattle, or saps who think they need to buy a woman’s love. NOT buying an engagement ring doesn’t make you a cheapskate, buying two doesn’t make you a selfish guy who can’t give without receiving, and buying the ring doesn’t make me a caveman who enslaved my woman with a shackle of platinum. I think it’s great that we are finding our own ways to express this, and not cleaving… Read more »
Couldn’t agree with you more here Thomas.
I always hated the idea of the one way engagement gift. Refused to do it, at quite some cost as my wife to be at that time believed it was “only proper”. Same as the old idea of sex, being that she gave it up and now needs to be compensated…….sex is a act we do together for the benefit of each other. I as a man have the same inherent intrinsic worth as she does as a woman…….no more no less. So why does a woman deserve a shiny bauble for agreeing to join lives with a man?
By an interesting coincidence I bought engagement rings just yesterday. Please note that I wrote ringS. Plural. For both of us. The thought of a man buying a single ring for his fiancée is so utterly, repulsively sexist to me, I can hardly express it. Whatever way you look at it is wrong: Does a single ring mean he is buying her? Buying her favor? Is it to reimburse her for losing her precious virgin status (symbolically)? Is it just an expensive gift, because women deserve expensive gifts and men don’t? Is it to mark her as his property, like… Read more »