It’s not a secret.
I have a long-term boyfriend that I love deeply. He’s my best friend and I’m committed to him.
So tell me why a random guy who I haven’t spoken to in over 10 years messages me on Facebook asking me to “chill” and smoke with him — while knowing that I’m in a relationship.
This bizarre interaction got me wondering — do relationships mean nothing these days?
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When I was a freshman in high school, I had a crush on a guy with a girlfriend.
He told me that he had a girlfriend at another school and that he liked me more. Charming.
At the time, I didn’t care.
I also had a “boyfriend” not long before. It lasted two months and we barely ever spoke to each other. Naturally, I assumed that his relationship was something similar to the one that I had.
So despite knowing that he was “dating” someone else, I flirted away like it was nobody’s business. His relationship couldn’t have been that serious.
We were only fourteen at the time, but even grown adults act this way.
Generally, we take other people’s relationships as seriously as we take our own.
If you’re dating casually or without taking labels seriously yourself, you are likely not going to respect other people’s labels, either.
A cheating “boyfriend” will have no moral qualms about sleeping with a taken woman. If he doesn’t respect his own girlfriend, why would he respect another man’s girlfriend?
(And whether she respects herself is a separate question.)
But — if you are dating seriously, and take your commitment to your partner seriously, you would likely be appalled that someone could disregard your relationship so carelessly.
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Why don’t we respect other people’s relationships?
Once you are made aware that someone is in a relationship, that should be your cue to not pursue things further.
Boyfriend, fiancé, and certainly husband all mean, “I’m unavailable.”
Or at least they should.
I suspect the reason that we don’t respect relationship titles anymore is that far too often, they don’t mean enough.
Boyfriends and girlfriends can just break up. Husbands and wives cheat on each other at least 50% of the time. Fiancé, which used to mean something, is often a tedious stepping stone for couples sliding into marriage because they feel like it’s the “right thing to do.”
With this nightmare of a dating scene, it’s no wonder why so many people don’t respect relationships.
Relationship titles are only as meaningful as the commitment that two people have to one another.
This is really what it boils down to. If your “boyfriend” is just your placeholder until a better option comes along, that will be the meaning of the word. It’s how some people say, “you don’t shop for new shoes without an old pair already on.” Ick.
If this is the way you view your partners, then it’s no wonder that outside prospects aren’t deterred by your relationship status. There is no commitment there.
But if your “girlfriend” is someone you are pursuing exclusively with the intention of marrying her in the near future, that’s an entirely different thing. It’s disrespectful for anyone to come along and challenge that or try to disrupt an otherwise healthy and serious commitment.
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Final thoughts
To people who don’t take their own commitments seriously, one’s relationship status really doesn’t mean anything.
But for those of us who value exclusivity, it’s another story.
It’s a shame that we can’t decipher which is which.
All I’m going to say is this — if you are committed to your partner, make that commitment known.
And if you aren’t…why call it a relationship in the first place?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash