Do This One Easy Thing Before Your Next Date

I was sitting across from a doctor. The hard metal of the restaurant patio chair was digging into my legs, and a mosquito wouldn’t leave me alone. I was having trouble giving my date my full attention, so I was only registering surface qualities like nice, personable, doctor.

I’d just begun dating again after my divorce, and I was woefully out of my depth. Even as a relationship coach who had been helping clients find love in their lives, I felt strange and awkward and insecure trying to find my own forever someone now that I was capital-D-divorced.

As the night waned, our conversation did too. He asked to kiss me at the end, and I let him, thinking I might feel differently if he really wowed me with his mouth. He didn’t, and the night ended. Even though the date had been mediocre at best, when he later ghosted me, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and what we could have. It would have been great! I told myself.

Because I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted in my next long-term partner, I was willing to take mediocre. I was willing to settle for…nice. That was how low my bar was after my awful marriage: if I could just find someone who could be nice to me.

It wasn’t until much later that I had a better grasp on qualities I needed in a partner that were above and beyond just “nice,” and these formed the basis of my “Dating Non-Negotiable List.”

To date consciously and intentionally, you should have your very own “Dating Non-Negotiable List”, made up of your “Have to Haves” and “Hell Nos.”

A “Dating Non-Negotiable List” can be a blueprint for long-term love and happiness.

Here’s how to make your own:

1. Do it while you’re still unpartnered.

Unfortunately, if you’re already in a relationship, you’re not in a good place to consider your non-negotiable list. You’d be more likely to base your list on what you currently have. Your thinking would be too limited.

But, if you’re single, you should be able to allow yourself to dream big, so wait until then to draft up your list.

2. Imagine your IDEAL relationship.

You deserve the very best relationship you can imagine. Seriously. Don’t settle for mediocre (or, in my case, just someone who’s “nice”).

What would your IDEAL relationship look like? How would it feel like when you’re with that person? What would you do when you were together? How would you deal with conflict? How would you navigate your different interests, or would you prefer to have mostly similar ones? What would you want for our future?

Once you’ve imagined those things, answer the following questions:

• What do I wish I’d had in my past relationships?
• What character traits, values, beliefs, goals, or ambitions would I like my future partner to have?
• What are some of the things I’ve seen in other people’s relationships that have made me jealous?
• What do I value the most in a future partner?

3. Write your “Have to Haves” List.

Once you’ve answered those questions, you should have a better understanding of all of the qualities you’d want to have in a partner. Write them down clearly, in black and white, either on a piece of paper or in the Notes app of your phone.

Now that you have that lost, cross out anything that involves looks.

Look, I’m certain you’re not going to date someone you don’t find physically attractive. But it’s important to recognize the truth of the aphorism, beauty fades, but character remains.

Here’s my old “Have to Haves” List.

• Honest
• Sense of humor
• Faithful
• Goal-oriented
• Ambitious/motivated
• Family-oriented
• Wants to get married in the future
• Is okay with me having children and us potentially having more together
• Able to be social at events
• Likes to get outside
• Good talker/listener
• Is okay with not moving out of the area for some years
• Not long-distance
• Spiritual
• Emotionally available
• Open-minded
• Financially responsible
• Willing to try new things
• Intellectual
• Respectful
• Trustworthy
• Likes traveling
• Healthy
• On some kind of self-healing journey

4. Write your “Hell Nos” List.

Now that you have your “Have to Haves” list, it should be easier for you to think of the things you do not want in a future partner. The things on this list should be one-and-dones, as in if they happen ONCE, you end the relationship. It’s always helpful to define them clearly.

Here are some questions to help you nail down these qualities:

• What did I have in previous relationships that I don’t want to have in my future ones?
• What character traits, values, beliefs, goals, or ambitions would I like my future partner NOT to have?
• What are some of the things I’ve seen in other people’s relationships that have made me cringe?

Here’s my old “Hell Nos” List.

• Cheating (emotionally or physically)
• Lying (white lies and surprises okay. Bigger deceptions not.)
• Abuse (physical, psychological, mental, verbal, etc.)
• Poor hygiene
• Inconsistency
• Repeated disrespect
• Financially irresponsibility
• Conflicting morals and values
• Self-centeredness
• Active addiction/alcoholism
• Racist/sexist/misogynist
• Unambitious/not goal-oriented
• Atheist/extremely religious
• Against third party help when issues arise

5. Share it with someone you trust.

It’s always good to get a second opinion, especially about something as important as your list of what you want in a future partner.

Share your list with someone who knows you and your dating history through and through.

Then see if they’d be willing to hold you accountable. It’ll be beneficial for you if your buddy can ask you questions about your next date to make sure you’re sticking to your list. For example, they may ask you something like, “Are they goal-oriented? Do you know if they’re into marriage?” etc.

6. Talk to your dates about them.

Now that you’ve got your list, suss out if your dates have what you want by using your list to help you pick conversation topics.

For example, if monogamy is a “Have to Have” for you, then you might ask your cute date, “How do you feel about exclusivity? What does that mean for you and how long would you prefer to date multiple people before deciding to be exclusive?”

If their answer isn’t satisfactory to you for whatever reason (like maybe they don’t like labels or are interested in polyamory, etc.), then there would be no reason for you to waste your time going on future dates with them.

It may seem harsh, but it’s better to realize you’re not a good match in the beginning vs. after you’ve caught feelings.

7. Practice Self-Honesty

Sometimes a “Dating Non-Negotiable List” can help us see our own issues as well. You might have “honest” as a “Have to Have” for your next partner, but you struggle with being forthright yourself.

As you figure out what you want in a relationship, make sure to evaluate yourself based on the same list. You can’t expect to attract a partner that has qualities that you don’t cultivate in yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with dating just to date. It can be super fun and a great time to explore what you want and what you definitely don’t want.

But if you’re ready to spend your nights cuddled up next to someone instead of out at the club every Friday night, then date intentionally by having your own “Dating Non-Negotiable List.”

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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