Celibacy goes deeper than the flesh.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald from This Side of Paradise
While reading Augustine’s Confessions, and his denunciation of his earlier life of sexual profligacy, a question (incidental to his story but still quite important) hit me. Do we become sexually aroused only because of external stimuli, or do our bodies cause us to become aroused as part of some natural cycle, causing us to then seek out external stimulation?
It turns out that both situations are at play. It is not just the outside world, especially the commercial world, bombarding us with sexual stimulation that might cause arousal; our own bodies can start nudging us toward arousal with virtually no external stimulation (this is called spontaneous arousal).
Becoming aware of both types of situations allows for a path toward greater personal responsibility and even the choice of a type of celibacy. That is not to say we should all become celibate, but it is to say that a type of mitigated celibacy seems to be a viable choice. It is also a good way to step back from the promptings of an overly sexually oriented society to re-examine one’s priorities and relationships.
(At this point let me point out that “celibacy” is when one chooses to abstain from sexual activity for the long term, while “asexuality” is a natural predisposition to avoid sexual activity. “Abstinence” and “celibacy” are often used interchangeably in casual conversation, but, technically, “abstinence” usually means refraining from something for a relatively short-term.)
Just being aware of how we are being influenced from inside and outside, sometimes at the same time, allows us greater self-control in a society that does not seem to have control and self-restraint as a high moral value. After all, until recently, many powerful and wealthy men seemed to think it was a perk of power and prestige to sexually exploit their female staff and acquaintances.
Frankly, if you think many aspects of our culture are superficial, exploitative, inhumane and lacking in compassion, and you want to make your own statement and take your own steps toward morally separating yourself from a cultural environment that is not always based on altruistic values, examining your relationship to your own sexual desire (or desires in general) is a good starting point. This is what Augustine also seemed to realize and what helped to change his life.
If you ever wondered what being a revolutionary was like, here is your chance. The real revolution begins with you when you start to say “no” to corrosive situations and values. We live in a culture that constantly wants to make money from us, tantamount to a giant, cheap and tacky carnival, where everyone is saying, “Go ahead! Do it! Why not!? Indulge!”
Your defining moment becomes the exercise of your capacity to say, “No, thank you. I know how to control myself. I prefer something more meaningful.”
All of this leads us to also think about and better understand what exactly sexual “desire” is. There has been some research to define this aspect of the human experience, but we are certainly capable of looking at and examining desire through our own experience and introspection.
Thinking metaphorically, I think this desire is somewhat like hunger. Why do we eat? We start to feel pain. The body goads us into eating organic material. If we do what the body wants us to do, and we eat something, we eliminate our pain but also get rewarded with lots of pleasant and satisfying sensations. We eat to stop the pangs of hunger and to get the rewards of satiation.
Perhaps sexual desire is similar to the process of hunger. Desire seems to involve a type of slight discomfort or pain we feel, which might motivate us as hunger does. If we pursue this desire, the pain ends, and we receive gratification.
If we do not eat, the pain will increase (at least for a while). We would seem to have some control over the increase or decrease of the discomfort of sexual desire, however. That discomfort only seems to increase because of a sense of frustration in seeking to fulfil that desire. If the desire is acknowledged, and then disregarded or supplanted with something we feel is more meaningful, the discomfort or pain might decrease and one might focus on other things.
The question becomes: How well can we handle a desire which causes us to overindulge? How strong can we be? How insightful can we be? Perhaps we all need a type of strength to deny or challenge our desires if we are going to really change things that are harmful to us and our world.
Greater control over our lives can only be a good thing. Refocusing away from what the popular culture wants us to feel, which openly sells sexual stimulation, and which often encourages or coerces women to become a part of a money-making scheme to continually increase male sexual desire, can only be a good thing.
Realizing the existence of a desire, which is generated naturally through hormones and/or through outside stimulating factors, gives us a choice, counter to an imperative to follow without question or choice.
Or, we can choose to engage with that desire with our intimate and respected partners to add to the joy of our lives. Perhaps celibacy can and should be situational, not categorical, and this is what I mean by mitigated. This is the more realistic goal. To understand our sexual desires more, to the point where we can better choose when to engage in them, should probably be our goal instead of a monastic commitment to a non-sexual life or a complete capitulation to the whims of our natures.
We live in a world where others are caused pain by a lack of control over sexual desire and our refusal to say to the commercial world, “No, this is too much, there are other things to live for and to focus on. Your type of 24/7 hedonism is cheap and hollow and not for me.”
Women are sought to participate in the money-making scheme voluntarily, for their own financial rewards, guiding them away from more fulfilling and meaningful choices. The commodification of sexual stimulation has numerous negative social aspects, the worst of which is sexual trafficking.
Men are also victimized by being convinced that the exploitation of women is somehow natural or OK, while they could be leading more meaningful lives in harmony with and in support of women.
Thus, by examining our sexual desire and exercising our innate right to choose, we accomplish two things which bring more goodness into the world.
First, we refocus on more meaningful and enriching activities and paths for our own lives, including better relationships with others, and, second, we reposition ourselves squarely outside of a toxic and malicious culture which is not about self-learning, but all about giving in to unquestioned and misunderstood desires which help make money for the greedy and create harmful situations for others.
References/Further Reading:
The Triggers of Sexual Desire: Men vs. Women | Psychology Today United Kingdom
Celibacy: What Are the Benefits and Drawbacks? (verywellmind.com)
Is it even possible to live a celibate life? – BBC News
The Orgasmic Mind: The Neurological Roots of Sexual Pleasure | Scientific American
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
