Do You Doubt Your Own Reality? It's How Gaslighting Works

Gaslighters control your mind and you might end up doubting your reality.

Gaslighting is a form if psychological manipulation that instills self-doubt in the person being gaslighted. The victim ends up questioning their reality, memory, and perceptions.

“The most distinctive feature of gaslighting is that it’s not enough for the gaslighter simply to control his victim or have things go his way: It’s essential to him that the victim herself actually come to agree with him,” writes Andrew D. Spear, an associate professor of philosophy at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, Michigan, in a 2019 paper on gaslighting in Inquiry.

SIGNS:

Constant Lying

Gaslighters constantly lie, and even if you give them proof of their deception, they will not step back and retract their stories. They will tell you with utmost confidence that you are mistaken or would even go to the extreme of calling you crazy just to protect their lies.

Their confidence might bluff you and you begin to second-guess yourself.

They will play the victim card and would fabricate false stories to seek support of others. They might also lie to you about others having negative perceptions about you.

The entire intention is to instill self-doubt.

Ignoring your Issues

Gaslighters will often respond ignorantly when you raise concerns. They will either try to distract you from the topic or may respond with questions instead of responding to the issues at hand.

When this happens repeatedly, it makes you doubt the importance of your concern because you feel that the other person does not consider it discussion worthy.

As verywellmind says,

“When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin to question them yourself. What’s more, you may never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely isolating, shaming, and difficult to cope with.”

Blame Shifting

Gaslighters never own up their mistakes and would rather try to shift the blame of their misbehavior on you. They will try to make you believe that they behaved the way they did only because you were acting weird or unreasonable.

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Again, the intention is to manipulate your thoughts into believing that the issue is with you.

Justifying actions with intentions

Gaslighters try to cover up for their misbehavior and wrongdoings with their intentions. They would often say things like,

But I did not do it on purpose,
I never intended to hurt you.

Although they will keep telling you how great their intentions are, they will not change their actions. If you keep trusting their words, you will end up confused and might begin to doubt yourself and your thoughts.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

Talk to them about it

The important caveat here is that these phrases alone are not enough to tell you that the other person means bad. They might be completely unaware of the discomfort being caused to you, and confronting them about it might help resolve the issue. If they mean well, they will change their actions accordingly.

Gaslighters have bad intentions, and they are aware of it.

Create distance

Creating distance in a relationship entails two things:

Boundaries. They are a fundamental requirement for the success of any relationship. Healthy boundaries lets you live through the differences in a relationship without sacrificing who you are.
Cutting the person off. Although this is an extreme step and I would never go for it as my first preference, it can sometimes become absolutely necessary. If none of the above mentioned solutions work, cut the person off.

Involve a third person

This has two aspects:

Therapy. A professional can help you identify patterns and therefore, save you from getting spiralled into the process of self-doubt.
Friends. Sharing your conversations with friends might help later as an evidence of the other person’s misbehavior which they deny now. I had a friend who blamed for something that happened in his life and twisted the facts and I somehow got convinced and started feeling guilty. Later, when I share it with other friends, they helped me realize that this person was lying and that he has twisted the facts. I could not believe that I actually trusted what he said, even if a part of me knew that he is lying. Gaslighting is legit!!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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