Stephen Nash knows what can get in the way for men who want happy and successful relationships. Your last first date could be around the corner.
Everyone has a dating blind spot—the thing they can’t see that they are doing that is getting in the way of having a happy and successful relationship. Some men can have very prominent blind spots. These might show up as a simple habit such as biting ones fingernails or having bad breath to producing mental and emotional states, which sabotage success.
I know that when I was starting to learn how to get better with women and dating, a blind spot I had was buried in my mindset. I suffered from a ‘frame of scarcity’. This was huge for me, and it took some time to actually see it and begin working with it.
When I was talking to a woman, I would get so locked-in on her that I would lose all perspective and begin to need, and subsequently seek, her approval. I put undue pressure on myself to force this one to work because I was unconsciously “certain” that I would never meet another girl again.
Approval seeking is a huge no-no when meeting women. It was created by my own deep-seated fears that there were very few women in the world who could possibly be attracted to me. This motor of fear drove me into states of mental panic that would then undermine my confidence, causing me to insecurely seek approval from the women I was attracted to.
No woman wants to feel urgently needed within 5 minutes of meeting a new man. I could be surrounded by multitudes of women, and still feel a sense of panic if this particular one was showing signs of losing interest. It was clearly a neurosis, so what to do?
My solution to this was to learn more gimmicks, more scripts or routines, try harder, change my body language etc. My answer was cosmetic…which had little to no effect.
Gaining perspective for me was difficult. But, I eventually obtained it by asking other men for help, reading a lot about masculinity and self-improvement, and—-most importantly—-being persistent and growing my own self-esteem by building my lifestyle around a central, motivating purpose to my life. This purpose, or aim, gave me a new sense of meaning and vitality, which slowly but surely caused me to be more internally validated.
This process was immensely rewarding and fed into other areas of my life. I started going for what I truly wanted in business, fitness and other areas of my lifestyle. By seeing this truth about myself, I was stunned to see how this pattern owned me across the board. It showed up most painfully in my dating life, but it existed virtually everywhere.
Here are some other blind spot patterns that I have seen multiple times which might help you see yours a bit more clearly.
- A guy thinks he has a good feel for personal style, when in fact it is rather boring and average.
- He thinks his body language is solid, but when he is conversing with a woman he shows blatant signs of neediness and nerves (leaning-in, laughing too loudly at his own jokes, shifting his feet).
- He thinks he has decent breath, but in fact, it stinks (more common than you’d think unfortunately).
- He thinks his lifestyle is strong and social when, in fact, it is average, anti-social and uninviting to women (this one’s complex…and very, very common).
- He thinks that learning ‘pick-up’ skills or other mechanical gimmicks will help him meet women, when in fact his results are barely improving (if at all). The common solution here is to ‘buy more products’ or ‘learn more gimmicks’ or ‘practice harder’ when, in fact, they are aggravating the issue.
- He thinks he is confident with women, when in fact it reads as “cocky” This is a huge turn-off and causes him to consistently date women with low self-esteem. He is attracting this due to he himself being insecure, thus overcompensating with bravado.
- He think he has good conversation skills, when in fact he is subtly seeking approval and acceptance by being “right” all the time. He will always need the final word or will need to tell an even “better story” leaving her unfulfilled and disinterested in seeing him again.
These are but a few, varying from the more easily fixed “outer” challenges to the much more difficult “inner” patterns. There are as many blind spots as there are people though, and knowing yours can reap huge rewards.
Now, for many men, being willing to see their own shortcomings—-particularly with women and dating—-requires them to set aside their pride to seek a more objective view. The unwillingness to do this is easily the largest blind spot out there.
There are a number of strategies that I have seen which can help guys see themselves with more clarity, which is easily half the battle in fixing these troubling issues. Here are a few:
Ask a friend
You probably have a best friend who you talk to about your dating life. Ask if he/she has noticed any patterns in the women you date or in your consistent reactions to the women you date. He might tell you:
Yeah, you often turn away from the ones who really like you and chase the ones who don’t seem that interested in you…
This would be useful information. You can then take this with you into your next dating scenario and look out for it, perhaps noticing this pattern more clearly. Sometimes, just being aware of these things begins to disentangle them from our psyche, giving us the freedom we need.
Ask a woman
Got a sister? Definitely ask her. Friends with an ex? Ask her too.
This one’s a bit tougher, as it can be difficult opening yourself up to critique from a woman on something so sensitive as your love life. But, the larger the risk the larger the reward. This is particularly true if this is an ex. She can possibly save you years of frustration.
Hire a coach
A good dating coach can help you both understand your challenges and provide solutions to moving beyond them. It might require an investment, but this is probably the fastest way through the minefield.
What is certain is that you must be willing to receive the information that you seek. Let it in. It will only hurt for a few minutes. The alternative is months, maybe years, of more blindness and frustration. It’s not worth it. Go for it.