“Trigger”

It’s a term

you hear a lot

these days.

 
It’s used to describe those things that lurk out in the world that can jump out at us at any moment and cause an extreme emotional reaction–often when we least expect it. Many feel it is a silly term, made ridiculous by its overuse and I can’t completely disagree with this. A part of life is having the strength to take on the things that we don’t see coming and if we insist on labeling every single potential hazard that we face, there’s a good chance that strength will never be properly developed.

Of course, I came to this conclusion back when I assumed I didn’t have a trigger. It’s easy to mock what we don’t know. It’s no different than the mild contempt we have for someone who insists they’re allergic to something we’ve eaten our entire lives. “Really? I eat gluten constantly and I’m just fine. What the eff is wrong with you? Stop faking it for the attention and eat some real bread already.”

Now, I’m not too sure, because yesterday afternoon I went and saw a movie. It was a really good movie. One that filled me with much joy and happiness and which I highly recommend to everyone.

And it totally “triggered” me.

It happened in the first three minutes of the film, so it can’t really be considered a spoiler, but if you’re the type of person who gets tetchy about this sort of thing, make sure you go see Guardians of the Galaxy before reading any further.

Done? Isn’t it great?

Now, you know that scene right at the beginning where the young version of Chris Pratt is taken into a hospital where his mother is just minutes away from dying of cancer? You probably thought it was kind of sad.

It completely destroyed me, bringing together two very painful memories in just one brief moment.

There are two women who rank at the top of the people who I have loved list. The first is my mom and the second is her sister, my Auntie Lynn. That scene instantly took me to the last moment I spent with my aunt–the kindest, most gentle soul I will ever know. Cancer had spread throughout her entire body and she had just hours left to live and she said the last words she would ever say to me.

“Allan, I wish you didn’t have to see me like this.”

This beautiful, wonderful woman was dying and her last wish for me was that I be spared the sight of her misery. How can that not affect you forever? How can that not always be a part of who you are? And how can I forget what I did, which was run out of that room–just like the boy in that movie. I tell myself I was honouring her wish even though it meant never seeing her again, but I think of all those who stayed and know that they possess a bravery I will never have.

And then there’s my mom. I already wrote about her this week and I don’t want this to become the only thing I ever talk about on the Internet. But clearly the feelings are there and I have to acknowledge that for the rest of my life, I will likely risk being “triggered” by anything involving the death of a character’s mom. I know this instance wasn’t a one-time thing, because the exact same thing happened to me when I rewatched J.J. Abrams first Star Trek film for the first time after my mom passed away.

I had seen it at least three times before then. Once even with her (she thought it was great), and the moment where–SPOILER for a movie that came out five years ago–Spock’s mom is killed never seriously affected me. But this fourth time, now that I truly knew the pain of that loss myself, I had a complete meltdown and sobbed hysterically for 10 minutes.

So, I know that triggers are real. People aren’t just making them up to seem special. But I don’t think–in my case–that my being warned would make any difference. In fact, in the case of Guardians I had read enough reviews to know about the dying mom going in, yet I had no idea how powerfully the scene would hit me. It was something I couldn’t have prepared for. And, if anything, I’m grateful for the way it reminded me of my humanity, fragility and vulnerability. It’s not something I want to happen a lot, but I think I’m prepared for it when it does.

How about you? Do you have a “trigger”? Do warnings help or are they something you can’t prepare for, no matter what you know in advance?