Here’s a life-changing idea.
Think about yourself as someone separate from you.
Let me explain.
Think about it as a deep friendship where there are two parties (or more!) working on a common mission.
So, the other person is your friend. They are not you.
This means you need some sort of communication between you.
You need to negotiate, take care of each other, and treat each other well with respect.
Heck, you even need to have fun with each other at times.
And, most importantly, you need to have each other’s best interest in mind and heart.
Overall, you’re separate. You’re different entities. You’re friends and partners for life. Quite literally.
The relationship you have with each other is just like any relationship you have with someone close to you.
Ideally, it should be close to what I have just described.
But it can get toxic. And abusive. And hurtful.
And most people don’t even notice that.
So, in this article, I want to outline a few signs you’re abusing yourself!
It’s more common than you think. Even more subtle than you believe.
I will also provide suggestions and solutions for each sign. That can help you actually have a better relationship with yourself. I hope you understand how important that is.
…
# 1 BEING YOURSELF WORST CRITIC
If all that you say to yourself is negative and venomous and belittling, don’t expect power and confidence. And don’t expect a good relationship with yourself.
If you tell your best friends the same words you tell yourself, would they still be your best friends? Or even your friends?
I don’t think so.
Your relationship with them would get a hard hit. They would have contempt towards you. And you would have the same. They would get hurt by your words and might even believe some of them.
The way you see them would get affected. And the way they see you would also get affected. Negatively. You won’t believe in them. They won’t believe in you.
And no one can count on the other.
That’s not a relationship you want to have. And it’s certainly not a relationship you want to have internally.
So, the way you talk to yourself is important. Negative, unfiltered self-talk will make you weak. You’ll become weak as a consequence of weakening yourself with this relationship you have with it.
Solution: talk to yourself like someone who cares about you would talk to you. Stop calling yourself ugly names. Stop being a dick to yourself. And start giving yourself some credit.
If that sounds too complicated, try this. Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you genuinely care about. Talk to yourself with some respect, goddamn it! Negotiate and discuss and keep each other’s best interests in mind.
…
# 2 NEGLECTING PHYSICAL HEALTH
This one is obvious but many people overlook it.
Do you physically take care of yourself?
You can’t be treating your body like shit and expect to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
And I’m speaking about the basics. The bare minimum.
If you don’t sleep enough, that’s awful. If you don’t eat enough, that’s awful. If all that you eat is unhealthy, low-quality food that will eventually kill you, that’s awful. If you’re a couch potato, that’s awful. If you’re out of shape and you’re not doing anything about it, that’s awful.
Taking care of your physical care is important. Ignoring it can be a subtle sign of self-hatred and self-betrayal.
Plus, neglecting your health will affect your mental health. It will affect your ability to face and solve problems. Therefore, it directly affects your quality of life.
Being sleep-deprived and physically weak isn’t fun at all.
If you don’t take care of yourself, why would it trust or respect you?
Don’t take it lightly.
Solution: make sure you do the basics first. Sleep well. Sleep enough. Eat high-quality food. Move your body. Walk, at least. Commit to that. It’s a serious matter and your life depends on it.
Simple. Sleep. Eat. Move your body. Repeat the three again.
…
#3 Being Obsessed With The Worst Of You And Turning A Blind Eye To Your Good Side
Look, we all have a dark side. We all have things we are not proud of.
And we all have things that we’re not good at.
But we also have a good side and things we are naturally good at.
One of the remarks of a healthy relationship is someone who sees the best in you. We all yearn for someone to see the best in us and bring it forward. Someone who believes in the good in us.
The opposite is true. Abusive relationships are where someone only sees the worst in you and defines you with it. Someone who is obsessed with your flaws and who judges you based on them.
That’s not a comfortable relationship.
Now, what if you have it with yourself?
Being obsessed with your weaknesses, dark side, and the worst in you will lead you nowhere. And it’s a sign of disrespect.
This is when you beat yourself up for your flaws and shortcomings and mistakes. It’s when you focus on your weak points and what you’re naturally not good at. It’s when you don’t give yourself credit for your accomplishments, good traits, and strong points.
Your “self” will despise “you”. No one likes to be around someone who doesn’t see the good in them and is obsessed with the worst of them.
It will stop giving you its best because it’s not appreciated.
And in the end, it will make you weak. The strengths, what you’re naturally good at, are what will move you forward in life. Rectifying mistakes is different than beating yourself up.
You’ll get nowhere by being your worst critic.
Solution: focus on what you’re naturally good at. On your strength. This requires a level of self-understanding. As well as a certain level of investment in yourself as you can’t believe in someone you don’t even like.
You have a good side, things you’re naturally good at, and unique qualities. Focus on that. Give yourself credit for it. And stop imitating other people and stop comparing yourself to them.
Make sure you see the good in you. It’s okay. It’s not a crime. And you won’t be arrogant or fake or deluded for seeing and believing in your good side.
Remember, seeing only your good side will make you an arrogant son of a bitch. But seeing only the worst in you will make you weak and will make you give up on yourself.
…
#4 BEING YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY: SELF-SABOTAGE
Self-sabotage happens for two reasons.
It’s either self-hatred or unwillingness to adopt the responsibility for success.
When self-sabotage is a result of self-hatred, it’s like taking revenge on yourself. It’s like telling it that it’s not worthy of the thing you’re sabotaging. And it’s actually believing that you’re not worthy of the thing you’re sabotaging.
That’s quite sad. But deep down, it’s about the way you see yourself. Having low self-esteem will lead you to believe that most of the good things are out of your league. And so, you don’t deserve them.
You believe you’re worthy of 4. So when you get a chance to get close to 6 or 7, you feel uncomfortable that you don’t belong there. You do what it takes to feel comfortable again at 4. And it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The unwillingness to adopt responsibility is different.
Look, success and doing great in life comes with a price. You will have more responsibilities.
Failure has a price but one of its benefits is that you’ll have no responsibilities.
Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash
You’re not expected to keep things going or to take care of something.
And sometimes, we self-sabotage because we actually don’t want to have a specific type of responsibility in our lives.
There’s a part of us that doesn’t want the burden of that responsibility. And it enjoys the responsibility-free life we will have without “success.”
It’s the part that is ‘responsible’ for the sabotage. And it will keep you stuck. Your life would be less than it can be and you will not be the person you could be.
Either way, this is the result of self-sabotage. You will destroy your life. And treating yourself like this by denying it to expand and become more is, in my opinion, abusive.
It’s a betrayal of your ideal future self. It’s nipping it in the bud.
Who knows how important the thing you’ve sabotaged out of low self-worth or failure to accept responsibility?
Imagine having a friend who wants you to fail because he believes you’re not worth it. And imagine a friend who wants you to be lazy and a coward because it’s too much work to be courageous and responsible.
Imagine the relationship and how you would interact. That’s a toxic relationship that will hurt you. You don’t want that. You’re better than that.
Solution: understand why you’re sabotaging yourself. For which reason. And then, work on overcoming it. You either need to believe more in yourself. Or you need to toughen up and accept responsibility.
And here’s a pro tip. The part of you that sabotages is scared. Don’t be hateful towards it. Try to understand it and you will find it’s just clueless about how to help you.
It’s immature. And it needs guidance from you. Take that responsibility.
…
#5: LYING
When someone has a reputation of being a lair, it makes everything they say questionable.
It’s hard to trust them.
It’s hard to recognize the truth in their speech. You’ll always have doubts if what they’re saying is the truth or not.
The same will happen to you if you lie a lot.
You’ll not be able to trust yourself.
And your relationship with yourself will deteriorate.
Here’s an idea I learned from Jordan Peterson.
When you lie, you pathologize the system that guides your actions and thoughts: your conscience.
And when you pathologize your conscience, you will not know what to do when the shit hits the fan. You will not be able to rely on yourself.
It’s not only about lying to yourself. It’s about lying in general.
Lying will spread to all areas in your life, including what you say to yourself. And it will make you weak because deep down you know it’s cowardice.
Lie long enough and say goodbye to the good part of you that tells you what is right and what is wrong.
That’s a huge price to pay. Maybe the hugest price that you can ever pay in your life.
Solution: don’t lie. Period!
Don’t treat yourself like that. Treat yourself with some respect and face the truth.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 |
—
Photo credit: Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
