Do You Know Where You Reside on the ‘Love Continuum’?

You can lie to yourself all you want about how attraction is based on looks and charisma. But this is the real truth.

That invisible, instinctive “pull” you feel when you meet a stranger, or an acquaintance has far more to do with unresolved emotional needs and trauma than physical attraction.

You know what I mean…

You’re out grocery shopping, pushing your cart down the aisle…

You catch a glimpse of that cute girl at the end of the aisle, and she’s smiling at you for no distinct reason.

But to her, she sees something in you.

Or you’re out one morning at a local coffee shop, scrolling on your phone, and out of the corner of your eye you see that guy at the back looking in your direction. Just looking at you. You sense his quiet confidence, and you get the “butterflies.”

In return, you instinctively smile without consciously realizing why in the first place.

Some things just draw people to each other.

It’s nice to think that it’s all about “shared interests,” looks, ambition, religious preferences, and other shared values, but your subconscious has a different plan for you.

Why else do you keep falling for people who aren’t good for you?

In either of those mini examples, this happens: The codependent-narcissist trap.

The toxic codependent-narcissist dynamic was a common thing I’ve fallen into.

After you approach her, talk, and get her number while you’re out shopping, you feel an immediate flurry of emotions. Love. Sexual attraction. Hope. Joy. All of it.

You feel the excitement of the chase. You have to have her because deep down, you don’t feel like you’re enough, but with her, things will be “complete.”

You text for a while and go on a date.

Things go well, and you go on more dates with her.

The two of you even decide to become exclusive. Later on, you and her become a “thing.” But it all feels the same as your previous relationships. She draws you in because the love seems unattainable by her toxic patterns. Aloofness, hyper-independence, selfishness.

You see the red flags now, but you’re already six months in.

She’s distant and preoccupied with her own life, but something keeps you coming back. You want her more every time she pulls away. Even if she ignores you for days. On a few occasions, she ignored you for an entire week.

You think, If only I love her more or try harder she will change and love me back.

But nothing ever changes.

At the end of the day, you realize what’s really going on and she’s incapable of loving you.

The technical, scientific side that runs relationships

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is a psychotherapist and the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. Rosenberg tells us a similar story of how humans tend to pick partners based on the polar opposite of themselves.

I write a lot about the anxious-avoidant dynamic in attachment theory, which is very similar to the Codependent-Narcissist paradigm.

You can think of it this way:

Codependent = Anxious-Preoccupied
Narcissist = Avoidant (Fearful/Disorganized and Dismissive)

It’s the classic push-pull system.

Someone with a diametrically polarized opposite is instinctively or naturally drawn to the other. That instant chemistry is more than just “love.” This is why some relationships start off with a “bang.”

Anyway, the book is very technical considering it’s a book on love and relationships, and he uses terms like Self-Love Deficient (Codependent) and (Self-Love Excessive) narcissist. Or he uses acronyms like (LRC), which are love, respect, and care.

I should note, that the term narcissist does not mean every relationship has a bonafide narcissist in them.

According to The Recovery Village:

Narcissistic personality disorder, on the other hand, is much less common. Approximately 0.5% of the United States population, or 1 in 200 people, has the disorder. There are significant gender differences when it comes to the prevalence of the disorder; about 75% of people with narcissistic personality disorder are men.

Everyone has narcissistic character traits, it’s just more apparent in others and more dysfunctional. So no, your ex is probably not a narcissist, no matter how much you might like to think so.

Was he or she a selfish jerk? Probably. But a full-blown narc? Probably not.

Regardless, one side tends to struggle with giving love.

And Rosenberg uses “Love,” “Care,” and “Respect” to measure a person’s capacity to show romantic affection.

But what I found incredibly interesting was this “Continuum of Self Values Personality Type Breakdown” he created and published in his book.

It’s essentially a scale that ranges from (-5) Extremely Codependent to (0) Completely Secure to (+5) Extremely Narcissistic/Selfish.

According to this theory, healthy relationships reside somewhere in the range of -2/+2 or -1/+1.

Both partners with a value of 0, would be the most “perfect, flawless, most secure” relationship ever. The problem is, that’s very unlikely to happen. We all have our flaws, shortcomings, and insecurities that add “flavor” to relationships.

Around this area, things tend to be more “balanced” both partners share the responsibility of showing love, care, and respect more “equally.”

And as you can imagine, when you tread into the realm of -4/+4 and beyond, relationships tend to become more dysfunctional, but strangely, also stable.

These relationships can be stable because the toxicity on both sides kind of “balance things out.”

The interesting thing though, is let’s say you have a couple who go on their first date. There’s a (-5) codependent and a (+2) narc. This dynamic might not work because they’re not the polar opposite of each other.

The codependent is subconsciously “put-off” by the (+2) “narcissists” more “healthy” personality. In short, the chemistry is weaker. Just replace the (+2) narc with a (+5) and watch the sparks fly.

Obviously, this is a gross over-generalization, because there’s a lot more that goes on than just what you see on the scale, but it can help to explain things in a general sense.

For example, I probably reside somewhere around -3. Moderately codependent.

A “3 CSV person” is a person who identifies as being caring and giving. Often, they put the needs of others above their own. Occasionally they can set boundaries but it tends to come attached with a sense of guilt, shame, or neediness. The “LRC” is often unbalanced. They give more than they get in return.

Whereas, a “+3 CSV partner” is moderately self-centered and more concerned with their own need for validation or love. Often, I’ve found myself overly reassuring these types of women, or giving more love than I get in return. In short, they expect to receive more than they give. Occasionally they’re able to show love, but it doesn’t come as naturally to them.

The inherent problem with the codependent-narcissist paradigm is that both sides are dependent on the other. As such, both individuals are resistant to change.

Just like individuals with avoidant attachment, narcissistic partners don’t change because they usually lack awareness. Codependents AKA anxious-preoccupied people don’t want to change or let go of the relationship because they fear conflict or abandonment.

This is where the toxic cycle originates

This is why I recommend in my article, This is When You Will Know They’re the Right Person for You, that you filter people out based on their level of self-awareness and their intention to grow with you.

Look for the raw potential.

If you aren’t growing together and evolving in the relationship, if one person is developing at a faster rate than the other, things will become imbalanced.

While it’s all well and good to look for partners who are willing to grow, how do you know where you reside on this “Continuum of Self Values” scale?

Audit your childhood relationships. Especially the ones with your parents or primary caregivers. Whose love might have you chased? Or who was chasing YOUR love? We’ll get into more on this in a moment, but…
You should take a critical look at your romantic relationships. Do you attract people who are selfish, entitled, hyper-independent, or highly focused on personal goals? Or are you naturally inclined to hook up with needy, anxious, people-pleasers who give too much? If you’ve never had any, that’s fine too. You can still look at your current friendships and family dynamics.
In an indirect manner, you can take this attachment-style quiz here. As you learned, knowing your attachment style, whether it’s anxious or avoidant, will clue you in on where you might lie on this continuum. Though, it’s only meant as a rough guide.

Your early childhood relationships are the origin of most attachment/relationship dynamics

While I had a mother in my life, she was often at work, and she left us with my dad on the weekends.

As such, my grandmother was the “primary” adult who I was around most of the time. I’ve had relationships where I was a bit unsure where I resided on Rosenberg’s continuum, but I always go back to what it was like living with my grandmother.

She was very entitled, self-absorbed, and prone to emotional outbursts due to her emotional instability. Often, she used my brother and me as her emotional punching bag or for emotional reassurance.

That conditioned me to adopt a more “people-pleaser” personality. I hate conflict. It triggers my anxiety. Which makes it hard to set boundaries, and if I do get into conflict I often do whatever I can to appease my partner (or when I was a kid, my grandmother).

So if I’m not sure, I just look back at that relationship. I just wanted her to love me unconditionally, but that never happened. As a result, I’ve attracted women like her and jumped into relationships where this type of similar energy — albeit far less toxic and abusive — was present.

How do you address or heal your side of love?

For the anxious, codependents: Address the story you have around rejection, abandonment, or being alone. That fear of being “alone” that keeps you in relationships with entitled, self-absorbed, and hyper-independent partners is, I hate to say it, all made up.

What if you re-frame loneliness or “being alone” to this, “Being alone doesn’t mean I’m unlovable, but instead, I’m finally able to practice self-love.”

Have you worked on letting go of the emotions you have around abandonment or loneliness? I’ve written a few good articles recently on emotional release, such as these two stories.

You can read them here or here.

And for the avoidants, these stories are just as important.

For narcissistic, aloof, avoidant partners: I get that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is a great mindset in some cases, but your inability or unwillingness to be emotionally and/or physically intimate is contributing to your loneliness. While you might get into relationships, that mindset isn’t getting you closer to your partner.

And nine times out of ten, your codependent partner is not going to reject you for being more open.

That’s the very thing they WANT from you.

While I hate to just use “go to therapy” as a generic — and perhaps even cop-out solution, most people who struggle with opening up need to start talking with a licensed professional.

It’s what I do and it helps.

The therapist isn’t going to kick you out for sharing since you’re paying them. Even if it doesn’t solve all your problems, it gets you more comfortable with being more open, an essential practice for relationships.

And also, emotional intimacy is not a weakness.

I know that as an avoidant, it’s tempting to disregard love and intimacy as something only weak people do, but being vulnerable is the only way to create fulfilling connections.

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The reason I brought up Ross Rosenberg’s continuum is that most people are completely ignorant or clueless when it comes to understanding relationship dynamics.

They just assume things fall apart because the other person is a jerk or that they’re somehow broken themselves.

The truth is, most people don’t even realize that they’re attracting the very behavior they hate. And instead of recognizing this, they fall into a victim mindset — during and after relationships — thinking they’re just plain unlucky without ever seeing their own role in the pattern.

Then they repeat the same patterns weeks, months, or years later with the same energy, just with a different face.

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A few final words,

It’s time to stop attracting people who are unable to love you the way that you are deserving of. Take a critical look at your relationship patterns. Work on your trauma. Or start setting the correct boundaries NOW, rather than later.

You can break the cycle, but that starts with your willingness to do so. But don’t worry about changing other people. Look for the right ones, but don’t expect people to so easily let go of their old patterns.

Don’t settle for the same, broken story.

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