The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.
Teddy Roosevelt
Every so often I have a week where there seems to be a theme with everyone I talk to. This week it seems to be the idea of being relational. An idea I learned from family therapist and author Terry Real.
You spend a lot of time trying to find the right person to be in a relationship with, but too often don’t know how to keep things going past the initial “honeymoon phase.”
The result? Misunderstandings, hurt, resentment, and breakup.
For example:
Kyle– whose wife thinks he’s personally responsible for the mood of everyone in the family. So he is constantly monitoring his emotions to make sure he doesn’t upset anyone, especially his wife. So if he has a bad day, he just stuffs it down instead of being able to share it and get much needed support.
Adam—who believes it’s his fault anytime his wife is upset, even if it’s not with him. He tries to “fix” it and usually ends up making it worse.
Mark—who didn’t use to talk over purchases, like a new car, with his wife. He learned that didn’t make her very happy. So now he brings things to her but if she doesn’t agree with moving forward, he rages and stomps around until she gives in.
Greg—whose wife got mad at him for not being hungry enough to eat much of a dinner she carefully prepared for his family. Acts of service are her love language and she felt rejected. Unfortunately, she doesn’t make the same connection to his language of physical touch and her rejection of his desire to hug and kiss her.
One of my favorite expressions is that no one has to take a Relationship 101 Class and everyone should.
The above scenarios could all be avoided if both partners were better versed in relational skills.
One of the biggest tools is to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Relationships are between two people with different experiences and perspectives. The more you push back against these differences, the more difficulties there will be.
And in marriages, these differences show up everywhere.
But all of the above scenarios could be resolved if both partners were more comfortable with being uncomfortable.
It’s not necessarily easy but it is relational. And that’s what’s needed to make your marriage work.
Becoming more relational in your marriage is possible. You’ve got this.
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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
