“Do You Want to Talk About It?”

The magic of these words — and how to use them.

I’ve struggled with depression off and on for most of my life. I actually hate talking about it, but I’ve come to realize recently how important it is to discuss our mental health issues. Despite coming to accept that fact, though, opening up about my mental health struggles is surprisingly difficult.

I expect most anyone with mental health struggles can probably imagine the feeling. You start to send a text to someone, and your throat constricts, your fingers stop moving. It’s a force of will to keep typing, just to send the words, “I need to talk.” Although a healthy mind often doesn’t think twice about complaining about a breakup or some struggle at work, you feel like such a burden for wanting to bring the darkness of your thoughts to someone else’s world. But you also know that sharing the burden can make it so much lighter and easier to bear. It could, in many cases, even save a life.

I’ve spent years trying to find a way to free myself from the self-isolation that keeps me from asking for help. I am a firm believer in my ability to work through my own problems and heal my own traumas, but I also recognize that asking for help can be a necessary part of the process. But so often, I find that I can’t. I have to find a way around it. I’ve tried throwing out phrases like “I’m kind of struggling,” “I’m not at my best,” or other combinations of words that will honestly express my troubled state without being too dramatic or worrisome. And it always shocks me how seldom the words come back that I so need to hear.

Maybe I just haven’t found the right people. I’m bad at reaching out to friends. There have only been a handful of people with whom I’ve ever managed to break that barrier. They are typically boyfriends and, let’s face it, finding the right balance of asking and listening in a relationship is one of the most documented struggles in the history of romance. (I don’t have a statistic to back that statement up, but I expect a simple scroll through Medium would verify its validity.) Sometimes it’s easy to be the least sensitive to those who are closest to us.

So if you know someone who struggles with depression or other mental health issues, here’s how you can help them. It’s a single question, but when used properly, it means so much more.

Why these words?

It’s a pretty basic tenet in relationships that we should ask after one another. We should ask our friends and partners things like “How are you?” or “How was your day?” on a regular basis. For someone like me, this is the first chance to reach out without feeling like a burden. I can honestly answer, and should honestly answer because I have to take responsibility for my end of the deal. If I’m experiencing a depressive episode, I can use one of my go-to phrases: “I’m not doing so well,” or “I’m kind of struggling right now.”

Don’t get me wrong, these words are still hard to say. Like, really hard. But finding a way to express that I am not well becomes much, much easier if someone asks.

Unfortunately, the conversation often ends there. I say “I’m not doing so well,” or “I’m having a bit of a hard time,” and what I get in response is “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better.” While these words may be well-intended, they don’t open up space for me to keep talking, which is what I really need. Ending the follow-up there really says, “I feel for you, but I’m not interested in hearing any more.” It doesn’t show interest. Quite the opposite, it shuts me down.

Possibly worse still is the immediate offer of advice without waiting to hear more. “Oh, you’re not feeling well? Well, you know what you need is…”

This comes more often from men than women, in my experience. And again, I think the intention is to be genuinely helpful. (Yes, I know it’s “mansplaining”, but I think that the culprit behind mansplaining is more often a lack of awareness than it is intentional condescension.) Regardless, giving advice before you have really taken the time to listen to someone’s problem is a sure-fire way to create frustration and alienate them.

More often than not, we know what actions we can take to help us. We know that exercise, healthy eating, and getting into a new routine or a new community can help to alleviate depressive moods. But these things do not replace the need to be heard. Depression, in many ways, can be likened to grief. All the same actions can help a grieving person to move forward when she is stuck in grief. But first, space must be made for the grieving itself. We must be allowed to experience our grief, to process it, and often it helps immensely to be witnessed in this. Similarly, when I am in a depressive mood, it helps more for someone to listen, to (lovingly) ask questions, and to create space for me to process the energy than to try to solve my problem.

How to create space for healing.

There are plenty of ways to reach out if you notice someone near to you may be struggling, but honestly, it’s not the specific words that matter. Yes, I know this entire piece is dedicated to words that can help, but the real focus is the intention.

If you think someone you care about may need help, go to her with the intention of inviting her to share what’s on her mind. You don’t have to bare her burden (nor should you), but you can offer yourself as a witness to her struggle. Ask her about what she’s going through without judgment or even intent to solve the problem. Just create a space in which she can talk freely and voice her thoughts and feelings.

Note: There is a balance to this interaction that can be delicate.

If you have a tendency to take on other people’s emotions, you may not be in a good place to listen. If you have trouble listening from a place of neutrality, without judgment or trying to step in and solve the problem, you may not be the right person to help in this way. That’s okay! You can still support your loved one in other ways. You might encourage her to seek help or an ear from someone else. You could even offer to accompany her to try therapy, a support group, or some other option for help. Don’t feel obligated to help in a way that doesn’t align with your own needs and well-being.

The other side of the coin.

The advice I’ve included up to this point has been based on my own personal experience, but that experience and the efficacy of all the above suggestions is predicated on one very important factor: I am proactive in my own healing.

It’s not just that I want to heal — I work to heal.

Everyone who struggles with mood or mental imbalances wants to heal, at least in theory. We all want to be happy on some level. Unfortunately, I have known many people who struggle with depression and other distresses, and many of them never take the initiative to work toward their own happiness. It’s one of the most insidious characteristics of mental unwellness: it steals your willingness to help yourself — and without the willingness to help yourself, you cannot be helped by others. I liken it to a virus, a disease whose only purpose is to replicate itself at the expense of its host.

If you have a loved one who’s struggling, but she won’t accept help or she only comes up with excuses to validate her depression, she may not be ready to heal yet. In that case, you may have to take a step back. Coninue offering your love, but don’t place pressure on yourself to do more than you can or more than she can accept. Take care of yourself, invest in your own joy, and trust that doing so allows you to share joy with your loved one. In my dad’s words, “All you can do is offer your help without hurting yourself.”

Final thoughts…

Again, all of the above is based on my personal experience, but everyone’s different. If you or a loved one have struggled with depression or other mental or emotional imbalances and you’ve found something that helps, please comment and share! Empowerment can only come from awareness, and awareness can only come from opening up the discussion.

Much love.
xoxo, jojo

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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