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Casual sex. Many talk about it and even claim to be doing it, but does it actually exist?
Or . . . is it a trap?
When I talk to people in this kind of situation, it often only takes a minute or two before fairly quickly, the mask slips and more complexity is revealed behind the scenes.
Why? Well, often while one person in this situation is feeling casual, the other is feeling hopeful.
If you want to be able to discern casual dating from dating with intention, and would like to get out of old patterns that can have you falling into a casual trap with someone you like, then this week’s video is a must-watch . . .
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
i think the idea of casual
00:02
hookups is a bit of a myth in general
00:05
because there’s usually one person who’s
00:08
feeling less casual
00:10
than the other
00:11
i think that there aren’t nearly as many
00:14
mutually casual situations as
00:18
people say there are or think there are
00:20
when they’re talking about hookup
00:21
culture
00:23
you
00:23
almost always have someone who likes the
00:26
other person a bit more
00:29
or who has a bit more secret even if
00:32
it’s not mentioned a bit more hope that
00:34
it might lead to something than the
00:36
other person and all you need is a
00:38
little bit of hope that it might lead to
00:40
something
00:41
for someone to get
00:42
hurt that’s all you need
00:47
and it’s easy
00:48
if you’re the person being casual who
00:50
truly is experiencing something
00:52
meaningless it’s easy
00:55
to willfully ignore
00:58
that
00:59
that little hope in somebody else
01:02
because
01:04
you’re escaping from something
01:06
right now
01:07
because you’re feeling something that’s
01:09
just a
01:10
quick high in your life or a distraction
01:12
from something in your life it’s very
01:14
easy to ignore
01:17
what
01:17
secret hope someone else might be
01:20
harboring
01:22
in order to just get what you want
01:25
and that’s very common too
01:28
and that can happen in both directions
01:31
right that doesn’t have to be the case
01:32
that the guy is the one feeling more
01:34
casual it can happen in both directions
01:37
but um
01:39
but it is something that causes
01:41
destruction on both sides for that
01:44
reason but also it could it can cause
01:46
destruction for yourself because
01:49
like any drug
01:53
when you start doing that in excess
01:55
you realize
01:57
oh this isn’t working
02:00
this thing i’m trying to solve
02:03
through this
02:05
isn’t working
02:07
the guys i’ve known who have gone
02:09
through the phase of
02:10
really wanting to prove something to
02:13
themselves
02:14
by and i’m not saying look you’re going
02:16
to have a great time having casual sex
02:18
it’s a phase lots of us go through when
02:20
you’re you know young it’s you know
02:23
there are times when it can be great but
02:25
i i the guys who i’ve seen who are doing
02:27
it to prove something to themselves
02:30
it does hit a wall
02:32
eventually
02:34
where it’s either they’re full of guilt
02:36
or you know if they get to a level of
02:39
maturity they realize like i’m
02:42
hurting myself or other people here
02:44
because i’m just trying to endlessly
02:46
prove that i can do this
02:48
endlessly prove i can do it or endlessly
02:50
chase a high or endlessly distract
02:53
myself from
02:54
my unhappiness
02:56
in my life
02:58
um
03:00
or trying to endlessly distract myself
03:01
from the thing that i really want which
03:04
doesn’t seem to be available
03:06
and i and i think that what happens for
03:08
a lot of people is that
03:10
once you’re in
03:13
once you’re kind of in that world of
03:15
soup of the superficial
03:19
it can actually be hard to get out of it
03:22
because that starts to be what you
03:24
attract
03:26
if you’re in the mode of
03:29
finding
03:30
quick wins
03:32
of finding the quick high
03:35
then it actually becomes harder
03:39
to discover the real thing i really
03:41
believe this
03:42
really
03:43
yes
03:44
some of those some of those people will
03:46
say i’m doing this until i discover the
03:49
real thing
03:50
and i think that it’s i think that that
03:53
is an easy thing to say
03:55
i
03:56
i believe that it starts to disconnect
04:00
you from what the real thing actually
04:01
looks like quick interlude to the video
04:03
whatever big goals you have whether
04:05
they’re for your love life or any other
04:06
part of your life this year i’ve got
04:08
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04:10
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04:13
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04:15
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04:18
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04:20
be part of this completely free go to
04:22
mhchallenge.com
04:24
the link is also in the description i
04:27
can’t wait to see you there
04:28
back to the video
04:30
it’s no different
04:31
if you’re used to
04:34
doing drugs to quickly feel good
04:38
then you’re disassociated from
04:41
the
04:42
other from what it actually takes in
04:45
life to feel good
04:48
right
04:49
what it actually takes in life to feel
04:50
good is much slower
04:54
it’s it’s a process of waking up
04:57
doing the right things in a day
05:00
go work out
05:02
eat foods that that make you feel good
05:04
that make your brain feel sharp
05:07
go for a walk outside have a good
05:09
conversation with a friend
05:12
connect to what you’re grateful for in
05:13
your life
05:15
work on something difficult
05:17
that takes effort
05:19
that after a strenuous hour of focus on
05:22
something gives you a a beautiful
05:25
feeling of having done something hard
05:29
you know these are not
05:31
these are not things that you’re in the
05:33
mood to do
05:35
when what you’re used to is oh i could
05:38
do a hit of cocaine and feel good in 30
05:41
seconds
05:43
that’s a different
05:44
that’s a different pathway and if you’re
05:46
training your mind for that pathway
05:50
then your brain isn’t going
05:53
let’s look at the 24-hour cycle
05:56
of what it’s going to take to feel
06:00
a healthy
06:02
seven and a half
06:04
out of 10 today that’s a a much more
06:07
difficult thing to do
06:10
than to just chemically induce it
06:13
and
06:14
and the same is true of
06:17
people in their love lives who are used
06:20
to getting the quick hit
06:24
when you’re used to getting the quick
06:25
hit you are not living in the world of
06:27
what it takes to build a much more
06:29
nutritional connection with someone it’s
06:32
slower
06:33
it’s slower than
06:35
let me meet up with someone for a date
06:38
and i have this night with them it’s a
06:41
slower process let me actually get to
06:43
know someone this isn’t the roller
06:45
coaster
06:46
this is me getting to know someone this
06:48
is me building a connection with someone
06:50
this is me coming to understand their
06:51
values them coming to understand mine us
06:55
building something together that’s a
06:56
different process and if you’re not used
06:59
to that process
07:00
if you’re not used to actually
07:01
discovering who someone is bit by bit
07:04
over time and investing in them
07:08
and instead you’re used to just the
07:10
quick hit
07:11
let me simulate a connection let me
07:13
simulate love
07:15
let me simulate
07:17
what you know that’s what what is love
07:18
bombing is coming in and simulating love
07:23
simulating an intense
07:26
you know connection
07:27
playing boyfriend for a week playing the
07:30
love of someone’s life for a month
07:33
but if you’re doing that if you’re used
07:35
to simulating that and constructing
07:37
these false highs then you’re not in the
07:40
world of
07:41
where real love and real relationships
07:43
exist
07:45
and the more you reinforce those
07:47
patterns and the same is true by the way
07:49
of of micro dosing on somebody you know
07:51
what we call micro dosing when you keep
07:53
going back to someone who’s bad for you
07:55
for those giddy highs that you get after
07:57
you make up and have sex and then argue
08:01
again and then you come back and then
08:02
they disappear for two weeks and you
08:04
feel horrible anxiety where are they
08:07
am i gonna lose them for good this time
08:09
and then they come back and you have the
08:10
giddy high of falling for them all over
08:12
again that’s a you get lost in that
08:15
world and you get divorced from what
08:17
real beautiful connection looks like
08:20
that becomes the universe you know
08:24
and that to me is that to me is what’s
08:27
dangerous about it i’m not
08:29
when i talk about casual sex i’m not
08:31
coming from some righteous or
08:33
puritanical
08:35
place i’m i’m coming from a place of
08:37
saying
08:39
it’s
08:41
it’s something that has real world
08:43
consequences
08:45
whether you’re a man or a woman and i
08:46
think that
08:48
most people arrive in the same place
08:50
sooner or later
08:52
some people get there slower some people
08:54
get there faster but men and women alike
08:57
arrive at the same place
08:59
which is that
09:01
this doesn’t seem to be working
09:04
this next video i have for you is really
09:07
really important
09:08
click here to watch and then
09:10
we’re looking every day for reassurance
09:12
did you mean what you said yesterday are
09:14
you are you really gonna stay with me
09:16
are you really never gonna cheat on me
09:18
we can never get enough reassurance and
09:20
reassurance always needs to be topped up
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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