Growing up in the Czech Republic, I got beaten as a child. I never thought this was out of the ordinary — most of my friends were beaten as a form of punishment as well.
Belts, wooden spoons, hands — we were forced to pull our pants down, bend over and let ourselves be beaten on the buttocks for whatever line we overstepped. I’ve recently talked about this to multiple friends, and we’ve all admitted to the same thing: We don’t remember why we were beaten. All we recall are the tears, the guilt, the fear and the pain.
As of 2018, 53 countries have banned corporal punishment on children. Yet when I come back to the Czech Republic a few times a year, it’s not rare that I see mothers screaming at their children in shops or at playgrounds, smacking them or half-dragging them, their faces contorted in desperate anger.
If you told most of these parents that what they were doing was not only wrong but also deeply ineffective, they’d respond with, “I was beaten as a child too and I turned out just fine! What else am I supposed to do?!”
Well, they obviously didn’t turn out “just fine” since they’re screaming their lungs out and beating their children out of anger and desperation instead of trying to come up with a different solution.
I don’t want to lessen the issues parents go through daily in any way — I have yet to become a parent and learn what it’s like to feel like you’ll lose your nerve any minute. However, I’ve seen parents who never beat their children and whose children have grown up to be disciplined, kind and polite adults.
It obviously can be done.
Research says corporal punishment does more harm than good
A study conducted by the University of Michigan and the University of Texas did research on more than 160 000 children for over 5 decades. They’ve found out that children who are smacked tend to have more mental health problems and show more aggression as they grow up.
Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, associate professor at the University of Michigan School of Social Work, said:
“The upshot of the study is that spanking increases the likelihood of a wide variety of undesired outcomes for children. Spanking thus does the opposite of what parents usually want it to do.”
Interestingly, Elizabeth Gershoff, associate professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas also said:
“We as a society think of spanking and physical abuse as distinct behaviors. Yet our research shows that spanking is linked with the same negative child outcomes as abuse, just to a slightly lesser degree.”
When you hit your children, not only do you not achieve your desired goals (like disciplining them) but you can also cause them traumas that lead them to exhibit problematic behaviour, which is, yet again, the complete opposite of what you want.
It’s why I have no clue what I was beaten for because it obviously didn’t teach me much, but I did end up being a little ball of anxiety each time I got a bad grade, came home two minutes late or lost a phone for years to come.
Corporal punishment taught me that each time something undesirable happened, no matter if it was my intention or not, a disaster would ensue. There would be shouting, pain and an immense feeling of guilt combined with the desire to explain, to make my parents love me and forgive me instead of hurting me.
And as expected, I’ve carried this trait into adulthood — each time something went even slightly wrong in the past, I felt guilty, stupid, incapable and like I deserved to be punished. I’ve managed to move past it in the last few years but some of these feelings still remain, 10 years after my corporal punishment essentially ceased.
Between love and pain, the pain comes first
There must have been moments in my childhood when my dad was warm and loving towards me — but I don’t remember any of them. It’s all clouded by the fear of punishment, of not being loved and of not being good enough.
And if you think cuddling your child after hitting them makes things better, that’s where you’re wrong. According to the Child Family Blog, a study has found that being warm to a child that you hit can actually make things worse.
It’s extremely confusing to be hit and warmly loved at the same time. It makes you feel like living between two extremes is normal — either you’re hated or you’re loved, and each time you displease your main caregiver in any way, you’re a terrible person worth hurting.
The blog further says:
“In general, parental love rarely completely repairs the damage, even when physical punishment is relatively slight.”
It’s easier to remember pain than the hug you received afterwards, which might be one of the reasons why I don’t recall almost any good memories with my dad — my memory flushed them out, focused only on the bad things so I could always be prepared for the disaster that was coming.
No amount of love could cure the pain a child feels when you continue to hit them with a wooden spoon while they cry and beg you to stop.
How corporal punishment hurts your child
On MentalHelp.net, Allan N. Schwartz, PhD writes:
“Children believe that their parents are loving and caring people who do no wrong. The child believes that he was bad and deserving of punishment, no matter how harsh. Put simply, the child wants desperately to be loved even if that means accepting blame for everything.”
As I grew older, I started to see when my parents were in the wrong, when they were acting irrational or when I didn’t deserve the punishment I got. But you don’t see that as a small child — during the most crucial years of your life, you regard your parents as saints.
When they make you pull your pants down and bend over so that you can be hurt, you’re complying with their rules, confused and terrified of pain, but you still go along. They’re the parents, after all. If they say you deserve this, it must be the truth, even though deep down it feels like an injustice.
Hitting your child can lead them to have problems in all sorts of ways. I grew up to be an anxious people-pleaser while my friend has anger issues.
Allan N. Schwartz, PhD even writes that children can provoke their parents into giving them corporal punishment because this attention can be seen as a sign of love. This could lead you to always wound up in abusive relationships because a part of you believes you deserve to be hurt.
On the other hand, many children can grow to be terrified of their parents and disrespect them later in life. It can teach your child that beating the weaker ones is okay as long as you find a good enough excuse, which can turn them into abusers. It can also lead to low self-esteem.
***
I’m no expert on parenting but I am someone affected by having been beaten as a child — and contrary to many people who continue to beat their own children because “they turned out just fine”, I’m very well aware that I did not turn out just fine.
Parents have it hard and it’s understandable when you feel like you just want to explode, however, there are other methods you can try. Corporal punishment has proven to be harmful and not a tiny bit effective. It might make your child behave for a while but it’s a burden to their mental health and your relationship with them in the long run.
Making your child understand why what they did was wrong is the first and most crucial step. Show your child maturity, wisdom and the ability to solve problems productively.
Children imitate what they see their parents do on daily basis — and if you show them that justice and discipline lie in physically hurting others or themselves, they will likely internalize these beliefs and have mental health issues.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock