Does the No Contact Rule Ever Work?

No contact rule is pretty self-explanatory. It states after a breakup, you cut all contact with your ex. It sounds like a simple rule, but with all the other to-dos, it’s actually not that simple. When you are in no contact;

You can’t under any circumstance contact your ex.
No social media stalking, no posting on social media.
No drunk calling, no sneaky messages to say ‘come get your stuff’.
Not talking about the relationships to anyone who is related to your ex.
Take this time to work on yourself.

Basically, you need to be a ghost. A ghost, that your ex cannot reach out to or hear from. But it is scary. Wouldn’t your ex miss you less when he/she doesn’t hear anything from you?

No, that’s not how it works.

So ultimately NC is for you to get back on your feet again, live life without your partner, get back to single life with less pain, and so on. The more you cut your ex from your life, the fewer distractions there’ll be and you’ll heal quicker. Often times we try NC to wait around for our ex to come back to us when actually no contact’s main game is to step back and move on at a different direction.

Years ago, when I found out about NC, I felt excited. Desperate to bring my ex back, this rule gave me hope. All I had to do was to be a ghost and he’d come back to me.

Or so I thought!

I should also mention, I was 18 when this story took place and it was my high school sweetheart that broke my heart. I cried for months. Literally months, I cried for him. I also kept applying the no contact rule, so he didn’t hear anything from me too. I thought he’d come back. He didn’t. The more he didn’t come back the less hope I had, until one day I was done.

It was the first day in the past 8 months where I felt like myself again. I was happy, energetic, hopeful from life, busy with my studies. It was such a good day and looking back I still remember the feeling of lightness in my soul. I was gonna stay at university late but then changed my mind and decided to head home. On the way back to my house, my ex started calling me, texting me like crazy, telling me he was looking all over for me at my university.

If you haven’t read the stages of a breakup yet, please do so. Men have a tendency to reappear in your life when you are done with them.

Let’s Breakdown the Stages of A Breakup, Shall We?

We made up that day, he dumped me 1 year later again, and came back after 4 months of break, again. Thankfully I didn’t makeup with him again.

So was it the NC rule that worked? Or was it pure energy that the moment I let go of him, he came back? Was it because stages of a breakup go reverse for the dumper and the dumpee?

Let’s dig a little deeper.

This other dude, I was seeing for some time decided to ghost me all of a sudden. It is an amazing feeling to be ghosted by the way. You call them, because why wouldn’t you, you just talked on the phone yesterday when all was well, and then no one ever picks up that phone? UGH, ghosting.

Anyways, this dude, even though I applied NC correctly this time, was a no-show. However, when I did contact him months after he ghosted me, he was more than happy to hear from me and that I gave him the space to call me. He kept calling me after that phone call, we even went on a holiday together. Though we broke up after the holiday, but that’s not the point. Technically NC didn’t work as he didn’t contact me himself.

So 1–1.

Years after I started dating this other guy who actually turned out to be a complete scam, he came back after 3 months of NC. Then I realized he was a quarterly fishing guy. I still get 4 messages from him per year, it’s like a little reminder for me that seasons are changing. Would this count as a successful NC?

I had an ex who came back 4 months after.

2 of them never did and one of them was the love of my life. Auch.

And there is one now I’m still recovering from and applying NC like a pro this time, we’ll see how that’ll play out.

So does NC really work? I think it’s not the rule itself per se. Me not calling someone isn’t gonna make them miss me. They’ll be curious or maybe not. It’s more like if you don’t contact them, then your mind won’t be stuck on them, so it’ll be easier to focus your energy somewhere else. Any conversation after a breakup is done, is painful and awfully unnecessary. There is no point in lingering after someone ripped the bandage off. Becoming a ghost is easy and healthy.

My approach to NC at the age of 31 is completely different than when I was 18 (Thank heavens!). I choose to believe — even if that guy comes back and we live happily ever after — he is not my ex anymore. The ex went away with all his good and bad when we broke up. The newcomer ex will be a different person and I’ll be a different person too. If we still click even after we have changed then good, but chances are it won’t happen.

NC gives me the space to get over the breakup and get on with my life. I first cut my ties psychically then emotionally. For me it’s easier to play the ghost and not contact my ex, but getting over them emotionally takes time depending on how much invested I was in the relationship. So when the time comes for my ex’s big reveal, I’m already in a different state of mind so them coming back is nothing but more than a 5 minute chat with my girls to let them know the guy I cried over for months now wants me back. That’s it.

I learned from my own experiences there is no ‘rule’ that’ll make your ex magically appear in your life, nor should you ever wait for it. If you think about all the advice out there for an ex to return, they are all dependent on your own healing. Once you heal, you don’t really care anymore. NC is just a tool for healing quicker as the longer you contact your ex may that be ‘angry’ text or ‘let’s be friends’ text or the worst of the worst ‘take me back’ text, they all just prolong your own healing.

In the end, I’m pro NC but only as a tool to get back to my life quicker not to wait around for a man to return.

Have you had exes before that walked into your life announced when you stop feeding them emotionally?

With much love,

Miss A.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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