Does Tracking Your Partner’s Phone Make You a Bad Person?

I stumbled upon a Tiktok recently where a woman is tracking her boyfriend’s phone and finding him in a deserted parking lot at 3 am. Turns out he was doing donuts with his car. It’s meant to be comedic, of course. But as it often happens when a woman makes a joke, people took it too seriously.

Most of the comments were only addressing the fact that she tracks her boyfriend’s whereabouts. She was deemed insecure, crazy, manipulative, and toxic. This 15 seconds video branded her entire personality and relationship, even though a lot of information is missing.

This brings us to the question: is tracking your partner’s phone inherently bad?

Why is it so bad?

Most commenters attributed her bad intentions instantly. And yes, there are some awful reasons people track their partner’s whereabouts.

It’s often used as a tool of control in abusive relationships.

If the person has been coerced into giving consent or simply doesn’t know about it, it’s an unacceptable invasion of privacy. I don’t adhere to the thinking that if you have nothing to hide, you shouldn’t care. Everyone is entitled to have their boundaries respected.

It can be dangerous in cases of a violent partner or ex. There are so many horror stories of people — mostly women — getting killed by their ex after a break-up. Someone having access to your location without your consent is akin to someone following you on the street. It’s stalking.

While it can often be a matter of life or death, it’s often not the case. It surely didn’t seem to be in the video. It’s not what the commenters were mad about. They automatically thought it was an invasion of privacy when, for all we know, the guy could have given his consent for all of it.

It’s not always what it seems

You’ll notice I didn’t put “lack of trust” in the bad categories. While being so anxious your partner might cheat that you want to track their phone can be a problem you should work on, it’s not necessarily the case.

Someone may have a good reason for not trusting their partner. Maybe they cheated before. Maybe phone tracking is a way to repair the broken trust. It’s easy to advise people to break up right away when we don’t actually know about their situation.

Of course, this is merely a temporary solution. Long term lack of trust in a relationship is grounds for a breakup. But if a couple wants to explore solutions before getting to that point, it’s their choice.

The important fact here is consent. The person whose phone is tracked needs to know about it and give informed consent. If they felt it’s what it takes to save the relationship and both parties agreed, I don’t see the problem.

Location tracking doesn’t necessarily stem from a serious issue, though. Some people have their location revealed to their partner at all times without it being a big deal. They discussed it and decided to work that way. If it’s done in a healthy, consensual way, there is nothing wrong with that.

That’s not to say everyone should do that. We each have our own boundaries that should be discussed and respected in the relationship. If someone doesn’t feel comfortable having their localization on display for their partner at all times, it’s their prerogative. It doesn’t make them shady or mean they are hiding something. We all are entitled to our own privacy.

Tracking is not exclusive to romantic relationships

The discourse around this issue is often centered around romantic relationships, but it’s not always the case.

I’ve had my phone tracked by my mom, with my permission of course. She’s anxious when I do long drive and she wanted to know where I was in case I got into an accident. Yes, I could have simply texted her, but if I forgot it would cause her a lot of unnecessary stress. Plus, what if I got into a serious crash and couldn’t contact her? So, we use a tracking app and she could check when she got stressed and I was on the road.

Now, we do use the text method, because her anxiety got better. But when we didn’t it wasn’t a big deal. It helped her anxiety and I didn’t mind.

Someone could track another person for their safety as well, and not only in cases of a car crash. I had a friend who love hiking off-trail. He’d bring a GPS and would give his itinerary and time frame to a friend or a family member. If he was too late on a milestone, it was a sign that something was wrong. Having someone track him could save his life.

Of course, it’s an extreme example. But it goes to show that there is more than one reason for tracking one’s location. It’s not always out of extreme jealousy. Both of those situations could be applied to couples without hinting at a serious problem in the relationship.

So, is tracking your partner’s phone inherently toxic?

We need to stay away from thinking in absolute. While there is sometimes a clear right and wrong, it’s not always the case. As for the video, we simply don’t know. So we shouldn’t assume bad intentions like we are so quick to do with women.

Every situation is different. We cannot judge from only one act — within reason. Yes, tracking your partner’s phone can be an enormous red flag, but it can also not be. At this point, it’s all conjecture. So is assuming the person tracking the phone is automatically crazy, jealous, manipulative, and toxic.

Most things aren’t black and white and we need to keep nuance in mind when judging a situation. Everyone has different expectations and boundaries.

Tracking a partner’s phone is only one action. It’s not inherently toxic, nor does it make someone a bad person. We can’t be defined by only one act.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***