-kpknI use things. My phone, my books, my Netflix account—they all get heavily used so that I have a little joy in my life. All of these things are designed solely for use by us, so that we can escape the drudgery of everyday life.
Whether we’re paying attention to the world at large or just suffering from personal stressors, objects were made to absorb that impact. People, on the other hand, are not there to deflect those problems, and they are not there for us to use to save us from ourselves.
When I was a little bit younger and a lot less wise, I spent time with a few people, all of whom I thought were decent enough to give away valuable moments of my life to. I wasn’t in it for free meals and I wasn’t bored with watching American Horror Story. I was looking for genuine connection with another human being. But when I found out that these people were only looking to soothe their tortured souls by using me to kill time, I became a lot less naïve about the reasons people want you in their lives.
It wasn’t obvious at first. But the signs were clear. They could always reach me, but I could never reach them. I was always available when they would text—the users—for whatever they needed.
Whether it be to borrow my car, borrow 20 dollars, or even just vent about their day. Looking back on it, I know that I have to take partial responsibility in being too available, but I was never the one to say no to people I care about. I learned early on that being selfish was a negative trait, and if you can do for people, you should.
So, as I got older, I brought that sense of selflessness into my grown-up relationships, both platonic and romantic. I realized, though, that being there for someone else didn’t necessarily mean they would be there for you. And when I was going through bad times of my own, I realized that most of the people I gave my time to were using me for whatever they saw fit. Their need for me was filled and I was left wondering why things were so one-sided.
It didn’t take me long to figure out how to weed out the people that used me and the people that were really there for me. I never stopped doing things for the people I cared about, but I slowly phased people out who would ask things of me without ever showing appreciation. I didn’t need lavish gifts and someone to drop their life to be there for me, but I did deserve more than being an on-call friend.
Another sign I was being used was so subtle, it was barely noticeable. The users, those people that couldn’t care about anyone but themselves, will never ask the question “How are you doing?” without having an ulterior motive attached. That seemingly innocent question would always be followed up with a favour needed or an invitation to something that they need a plus-one for, and I was at the bottom of the list of a group of people that had already declined. You can tell you’re at the bottom of a list when they ask you 2 hours before an event or mention they have an extra pass to that show they’ve been talking about for months.
If the people in your life aren’t asking you how you are with no expectation of you fulfilling a request, they are not worth your time.
Thoreau once wrote, “The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run,” and the cost of allowing yourself to be used as a pastime for others is much larger than any money you could lose. The cost of your time is invaluable.
So, don’t let yourself be a time killer. You’re better than that.
—
