Don’t Get Too Hung up on Compatibility in Your Relationships

In my age group — I am a recent college graduate, for context — people seem hell-bent on finding the one, perfect soulmate that is supposedly waiting for them out there somewhere. A person with whom there are no disagreements, who brings with them only light and joy, and who has no flaws whatsoever.

When asked what she wanted in a partner, a good friend of mine once said, “I just want someone tall, fit, good-looking, compassionate, and religious. Is that so much to ask?” Perhaps not, and I’m sure such a person is out there — but it’s probably not an ideal strategy to immediately exclude people who don’t fit that mold.

I’m not writing with any kind of moral superiority; I myself am also guilty of this, perhaps more than others. I’ve always been enamored with the idea of some perfect complement out there for me. But recently, based on the advice of some older mentors and relatives, I’ve tried to expand my mind a bit.

In particular, when thinking about compatibility in relationships, one of my favorite scenes from Harry Potter comes to mind. It’s a conversation between Harry and Hermione toward the end of the first movie:

Hermione: “You’re a great wizard, Harry.”

Harry: “Not as good as you.”

Hermione: *chuckles* “Me? Books and cleverness? There are more important things. Friendship, and bravery.”

Compatibility and match are like the books and cleverness of relationships. They matter quite a bit, and they can make relationships a lot better. But — there are more important things.

So, what are they? I’ll share a few insights from wiser souls than myself.

Beliefs don’t have to match without even a slight margin of difference

Nearly a year ago, my mother casually asked what I’d look for in an eventual spouse. I’m a fairly religious person, so along with other things, I mentioned I would probably look for someone who was the same as me in that regard. My mom’s response surprised me.

She agreed that it was important not to be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum, but she told me spirituality is something a person carries and develops individually. No two people are the same, and even the same beliefs don’t always manifest in the same way. She advised me to keep an open mind, and said to determine if someone’s heart was in the right place before making a judgment based on their concrete actions. People’s beliefs grow and change throughout life, and it’s foolish to expect complete consistency from the get-go.

I think this is something which applies to many categories — political beliefs, social opinions, etc. While it’s probably a bad idea to settle for someone diametrically opposed to you, it’s okay to differ somewhat in your views, as long as you still respect them as a person.

The key takeaway: respecting each other’s beliefs and opinions (and by extension respecting each other) is more important than having the same ones.

Communicate, don’t compromise

My therapist asked me once how I’d interact with a spouse. I attempted to sound smart and confident, my bravado fueled by the 3 online articles I’d read about healthy relationships: “Well, compromise is the most important thing, of course.” Once again, the response surprised me.

“No, no, no! Never compromise first — always communicate!”

Of course, he didn’t literally mean never to compromise with your partner. But sometimes, people will compromise before making their own feelings heard in order to satisfy their partner.

I had a friend who was head over heels for this girl — and as a result did whatever she wanted. He kept her secrets, hid their relationship from his friends, and fawned over her — while she didn’t keep reciprocal promises to him and broke his trust. Because he didn’t communicate how he felt about their uneven dynamic, she was able to take advantage of him, and he came out of that relationship quite damaged.

Compromise is supposed to be a two-way street. But if you compromise before you communicate, then you won’t have a healthy relationship. You’ll have a bunch of festering feelings of resentment.

The key takeaway: People search for perfect compatibility because they convince themselves that will minimize the need for compromise. But even if you and your partner are 100% compatible via any feasible scientific measure, your relationship will be difficult if you don’t communicate. The reverse, however, isn’t true. Communication trumps compatibility.

Keep it consistent

This last one isn’t advice given to me directly by anyone, but it still comes from two folks who definitely have it figured out.

A couple years ago, I was meeting a childhood friend at a cafe to catch up during a college break. She arrived there a little early, and sent me the following text:

“There’s this really old couple sitting across from me, and the man is just obsessing over his wife. He pulled out her chair for her, cleaned her side of the table, got her napkins, keeps checking to make sure everything is okay. And she’s just got this sweet smile with an expression that says he’s always been like this … and honestly this is all I want in life.”

I didn’t even see this live, but I’d be willing to bet he’s done the little things for his wife for a long, long time.

The key takeaway: Life is a long time, and your partner deserves to be showered with your affection throughout. Consistent effort to express your love is more important than perfect compatibility.

The Final Takeaway

The point of my article is not that compatibility doesn’t matter. It does, but only to a certain extent. Even if you and your partner are the most compatible couple in the world, you still have a long way to go before your relationship is perfect.

Remember to be compassionate, to be communicative, and to be consistent. Those are the more important things.

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Murtaza Ali is a PhD Student at the University of Washington studying human-computer interaction. He enjoys writing about education, programming, life, and the occasional random musing.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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