In our Aikido Seminar, Hanshi taught bokuto (wooden sword) technique. When the opponent strikes with their bokuto, I wait it out. I move into the attack. Get under the attack. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” Getting under the attack is not natural. My body is afraid. My body doesn’t want to move into the danger. I don’t want to get hurt.
Hanshi said that we feel the attacker. We don’t feel ourselves. In Aikido, he said, “You don’t train the body. You train the mind.” We hold fear inside our mind. That’s just being human. We train to make the mind strong.
Hanshi pointed to the forehead. He said, “Don’t hold it.” I don’t hold my fear. I train my mind to let go my fear. That’s the profound purpose of the training.
In Aikido, I enter the attack, get under the attack. I do what the attacker doesn’t expect. I wait it out. I invite the attack. I don’t oppose it. Under the attack, I strike the attacker first. It’s one time.
As I sat in seiza (on my knees) watching Hanshi, I cried. I got it. I hold my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear of Dad when I was a little boy. Whatever I did or didn’t do, only made Dad so angry at me. I was his greatest disappointment in life. I would never be good enough for him. I would never be good enough for anyone, including me.
Hanshi poignantly reminded to let go my fear: Don’t hold it. I’ve come a long way since I was that frightened 8-year-old boy. I practice letting go my fear inside over, and over, and over again. Train my mind. Just train.
Our bodies shall decline with age. Time is undefeated. That’s the human design. That’s just life. I train my mind. I let go my fear inside. I keep my spirit young as I get older.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is the release your fear.” The 250-pound man punches to my face to knock me out. I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not the attacker. The attacker is irrelevant. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me.
I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the attack with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker. I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to take the fall of get struck in the head. We both choose. I could win or lose. The attacker could win or lose. What happens, happens.
When I enter the attack, enter what I fear, I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more and more of my fear inside. I don’t hold it. I let it go. Train my mind. Keep my spirit young.
I loved someone. I feared inside that I was not good enough. I didn’t hold my fear inside. I said, “I love you.” She was not in love with me. I was not meaningful. She used me until she could find someone meaningful, she could love. What we all want in life.
My fear that I was not good enough was truth. I was afraid to say, “I love you.” Still, I said so. I let it go. That was perhaps the bravest I have ever been. Even more so than when 5 black belts attacked me in my Nidan (second degree black belt) test. Really.
I dared bravely. I failed bravely, too. I didn’t hold my fear. I let it go. I was free to be me. I freed myself.
I’m afraid of many things in life. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that women won’t like me, because of the way I look. I’m afraid that I may die alone, never having fallen madly and deeply in love with a woman, who loves me the same way.
We’re all afraid of something in life. Whatever I fear, I don’t hold it. I let it go. I keep moving forward. I move to where I’m free.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. I don’t hold my fear inside. I let it go over, and over, and over again. That’s on me. I’m the only one who can free me. Just train.
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Photo by Paul Pastourmatzis on Unsplash
