What’s a guy supposed to do when his partner tells him she doesn’t want to have sex anymore?
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Damn. I barely know where to begin on this one. Let’s set the context first. This article was stimulated by a private response I received to an earlier article on what happened as my wife and I aged and how it affected our sexual relationship.
The respondent is female, in a committed relationship and recently went through menopause. Here is what she wrote:
“. . . it’s been a complete re-direct of my ‘sexual’ energy to creativity and career. I have zero desire and zero need for sex. I don’t want it, don’t miss it. This precipitous drop in libido has not been upsetting to me at all, because it has been concurrent with a huge increase in my creativity and focus for purpose. I feel like I have come out of a hormone driven drugged state, where for years, my
He wanted me to be sexually interested, not just available.
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sexual desires were in charge (my forties were crazy in terms of how horny and arousable I was–but I also practiced two solid years of sexual tantra with a committed partner and that too was beautiful).
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“There is little room, culturally, for a woman to simply say, nah, forget it, not interested. It means she is less than. She is not serving her husband’s needs, etc.. I have told my husband, go take a lover.
“I am not sure how I will really feel about it, but I can say that the relief I feel since I said that has been immense. I am no longer desperately trying to keep up with his sex needs and because I don’t ‘fake’ anything, my own disinterest was a turn off for him anyway. He wanted me to be sexually interested, not just available.
The drive for sex gives way to the drive for contribution and creative expression.
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“And to top off this bit about menopause–without hormone replacement (and I’m not doing that) sex is not even as enjoyable–it can sometimes feel painful, arousal takes longer and frankly, it’s just not important.
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“In this new cronehood, I feel as if I am in a state of high arousal with life itself. My genitals are just a small part of that big picture, and not center stage. Yes, sexual energy is more than genitals, and yes, I’ve circulated and streamed and tantra merged it all before.
“There comes a time, however, at least for some women, where that energy is being funneled to greater purpose than orgasm or a partner’s pleasure . . . . I have not had a period for almost three years. I am not PERI meno, but fully menopausal. I also know my experience has been echoed by several women who, in menopause, have found greater expression of their hearts and passions in the world, when the drive for sex gives way to the drive for contribution and creative expression.”
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Double damn. Sounds amazing for her. Not so good for him. Being a guy, I’m thinking, “How does he feel about this.” I sure as hell would not be happy. And yet, if I loved my partner and she was clear that sex just wasn’t in the cards anymore, I would have to think long and hard on what that means; for her, for me, and for the relationship.
The offer of taking on a lover is very European and fraught with danger, and some would no doubt say opportunity, and definitely a challenge. Sometimes it works. For example, the female partner of another couple I know have been together for over 30 years and decided to have an affair. Her husband waited awhile, and then figured out that what was good for the goose was good for the gander. He took on a lover. That changed everything. She was surprised at what this brought up for her. Eventually, they resumed their monogamous relationship and both partners believe that the experience was essential for their appreciation and understanding of the other person.
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In my relationship, sex is a connecting factor which both my partner and I appreciate. And yet, due to a history of prostate cancer, I know that there may come a time when I may not have the desire for sex and be unable to perform. That does not mean that one cannot continue to have physical intimacy (for an extraordinary story about how one man overcame surgery to have an intimate physical relationship, read Michael J. Russer’s blog post). However, the typical story I hear is that surgery puts an end to the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Furthermore, menopause, surgery or illness are not the only reasons sex stops in a marriage or committed relationship. Long-term anger and resentment will do it. Having lots of kids will do it. This was popular before birth control and still happens for couples who are religious and don’t believe in contraception.
For the sake of argument, let’s assume that you are in a loving and stable marriage or committed relationship. As in the story above, your partner comes to you and tells you that they no longer want to have sexual relations with you. What would you do?
Please leave your comments below and if we get enough feedback on this question I will post a summary of the results.
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P.S. A number of people who read my earlier article were asking how the “sweetness project” was going. It has been a great experience. The home has a lot of playful energy now, we are laughing every day, and there is more affectionate behavior occurring. The relationship feels alive and I am now more aware of how daily attention to my partner is effective in enhancing and maintaining that “loving feeling.”
Photo: Getty Images
My girl friend doesn’t want any thing to do with sex she is 16 and i am 17 where we live 16 is the age of consent and all my friends are having sex with Thayer girl friends a couple have even gotten engaged but I’m left out and started to wonder am i the one in the wrong for wanting it like i sead she wants nothing to do with it infackt she refuses to touch me in general and i don’t want to brake up but the tentchon is killing me and i just need to know is… Read more »
I am in that boat, don’t want it, don’t care. It ticks my husband off. The part of that which bothers me is him thinking he’s got some god given right to “mess with me” when I don’t want to be messed with. *I am 56, postmenopausal, and it’s just a fact of biology. I resent the world saying there is something “wrong” with me or any other woman who doesn’t want it and doesn’t care. It’s BIOLOGY. There is a reason the baby factory gets shut down and there is a reason the rest of it goes along with… Read more »
Hi, it’s my boyfriend who doesn’t seems interested in sex in my case. We’re together for 5 years and have 1 child. I am always up for sex (and warned him about it many times) but he is always far from wanting it, apart from when I go after him. I would be forevet greatful if he would be compassionate enough to offer me to look for a lover, but I doubt it will ever happen lol … I suppose I will have to live with it untill my hormones calm down 🙁
It is all dealing with time. Give a period of time. Take a look on situation. Nine months are enough to decide about a new life.
Sex is only one part of intimacy and love. If she loves him she will still want to be close with him. . . touching him, saying how much she enjoyed their previous intimacies and what they enjoy and love about each other now, etc. Sharing touch such as massage, or other tendernesses. I would think that every tantric -trained person would have practiced these things as part of that modality and be very good at practicing alternative intimate connection between lovers and partners. Physical changes in our lives will create the need for us to compromise and try new… Read more »
I think the thing to keep in mind is that it’s not a negotiation. Sex is given, not taken, and should never be bargained for. Men, if your woman doesn’t want sex from you, it could be that she’s genuinely been preoccupied. Like the article said, long term stress, kids, the pressure to be productive… It can be a lot to handle. But it could just as easily be an adapted bullsh*t test. This is a fact: women like to test men to see how they react, but we do it to them, too. Her not wanting sex could be… Read more »
I would like to hear more about what happened the couple in the article (who were together for 30 years) more specifically what was her reaction to her has been having an affair and how did he bring them back together
Katatrist – this is so upsetting.!!! I know its obvious but have you tried losing weight? You are both so young to be having these issues. Could you maybe start walking every day, just a bit, and maybe consider going to a group as a couple. It seems so defeatist that he has lost confidence in his desirability because of his body image, and then it reflects on your feelings of desirability!!1 Aaaargh, maybe a new year new start?! Can you get a dog? Just get moving a bit more and cut out the processed food and caffein!
Well theres a lot of it about it seems! Im a women 48 and married to a 57 year old man. I need regular sex, for physical release, intimacy and to have that connection between us. (We are intimate every day, sometime more than once! ) These needs differ day to day in their priority as Im sure do my Husbands. I might not always be desperately horny but still understand my H needs some of the same things I do. I love him and want him to be happy and feel like a man, my man. I understand that… Read more »
My husband and I are in our 40’s (I’m 5 years older than him), and used to have a wonderful sex life. We’ve both put on some weight, and he claims this is why he has no interest in touching me – because of his body image. I’ve begged him to be intimate with me, because it (not being touched) triggers intimacy issues for me from past abusive relationships. But no matter what i say or do, he just isn’t interested, and its hard to know what to do besides give up and accept celibacy as part of the relationship.
I’ve been through all different aspects, first the good health sex, then MS hit and it still was ok but I noticed that my partner really wasn’t connecting on a intimate level during our marriage when it came to a real connection. Then I had a hysterectomy and everything changed to the point where the lack of intimacy became very apparent. I tried having open talks about where we were heading and trying to bring more intimacy back into the relationship so the sex would improve but I wasn’t heard or ignored. I asked my partner to tell me if… Read more »
I guess I’m a freak, my sex drive as a woman is and always has been greater than my male partners and it’s getting worse – and we are past middle age. I think if people are secure in their relationships, an open relationship could be a good thing for their long term relationship. I know a lot of people love each other but unmet needs are hard to deal with, no matter who isn’t getting what they need.
I guess I’m a freak too then, because I as a man have tried having sex with a person I wasn’t emotionally involved with, and it just left a hollow feeling inside afterwards. It was worse than masturbating in a cold shower…
Married 18 years, started with wife having a very strong sex drive. 2nd marriage for her, 1st for me. She suffered a major clinical depression two months into marriage. Two years later, we finally get the depression under control. Anti-depressants and other things affect her libido. Last 14 years have been very sparse sex, getting worse as time goes by. Last few years, she says she wants cuddling, but I rarely get that anymore. This has been one of several big problems in our marriage. I am not satisfied, resent the problems (more than sex) and then feel guilty. I… Read more »
I’ve currently been married to a wonderful woman for almost 10 years. We’ve been sleeping together for around 13, but in reality, we have had more sex in the first six months of our relationship than we’ve had since. She had a partial hysterectomy around a year ago, but now will be undergoing a full hysterectomy in around a month. I’m not happy and don’t know what I should really do. She’s told me several times that I should either leave her or find a lover, but I honestly love her. A day knowing that I will be able to… Read more »
I spent a decade in a celibate marriage due to a severe medical issue (my partner’s); I would not do it again. In that relationship,everything was gone, and I was caregiver, in a very parental role. The experience gave me sympathy for anyone in that situation. Man or woman, I would understand if my partner, or anyone’s partner, elected not to remain in a celibate marriage. I think conscious affairs are a viable option if the communication is good, but my husband wouldn’t abide by it, and I was unwilling to go behind his back. My sex drive his high,… Read more »
I’m a very healthy sexually active 47 year old man. My now wife and I met and started a mutually satisfying relationship that involved a lot of lovemaking.! It would not be uncommon to have sex 4 times a day and sometimes more! I can remember a couple nights she wore me out to the point I was saying “I can’t do anymore”.. So we marry and it hits. A bad case of peri menopause. Her cycles have gone awry and she is having a lot of anxiety problems. It has hit our sex life hard! So I’m still going… Read more »
I’ve been there. Same intense passion and drive, and fourteen years later she asks for a divorce. In that fourteen years we may have had sex twenty times. If sex is an important part of your being, you can’t deny it. You will simply be miserable. Just keep that in mind before you spend a decade and a half convincing yourself things will get better.
HI, my sexual desires are not nearly at the place where my husbands are. I don’t feel trust in our relationship and that is a huge factor in it all. I have some medical issues that prevents me from having sex as often as he or I would like. It’s very hard. I still want intimacy without intercourse and he either has a hard time distinguishing sex and intimacy or he just doesn’t know how to give that to me unless he’s really horny. He has cheated on me from day one (10years) and it’s only gotten more frequent and… Read more »
Sorry Jennifer, but if he’s cheated on you since day one, you only have yourself to blame for your situation. Not all men or women are capable of committed relationships. But, saying you need him to provide a stable male figure is dooming your children to believing this behavior is acceptable. I watch intelligent women every day choose to date my better looking, or wealthier friends over my more compassionate, intelligent, sincere ones. And one last thing, thanks for the useless stereotyping of men, it’s really helpful. The are lots of great guys out there, it’s not all about sex… Read more »
I totally agree with all the above statements !
I understand, that was a very big generalization about all men just wanting sex. However there are big differences, in general, for the needs of women vs men. It’s not my summarization, its the experts and researchers. I’m sorry to have offended you.
Ok, so a lot of these responses are real monogamy oriented. Friendly reminder, lots of people have functional, appt, healthy non monogamous relationships for lots of reasons. So, I woyld disagree that telling him to take a lover is uncaring. Plenty of people would say I am not interested, so you have to go without, which is infinitely more selfish. Second point. Its not always the woman who loses interest. My husband has 0 interest in sex with anybody, he’s pretty much asexual. We spend time cuddling skin to skin to preserve intimacy, and I have lovers. We are very… Read more »
Many of the comments talk about open relationships and being willing to enter into one. I think that it can work for some and not for others. For some people sex is emotional; a way of connecting and showing love to their significant other. For others sex is not emotional but physical; its an almost animal-like desire. Some people can separate the physical and the emotional. It is only these people who will be able to successfully have an open relationship, and I mean all parties; in this example wife, husband and lover. If not, there will be drama down… Read more »
Fully agree with you, Jaks.
I agree with the statement about non-sexual relationship = friendship. That’s not what i committed to on my wedding day. Why would anyone take on financia & personall responsibilities of marriage, just to end up with a friend ?
Unfortunately, I’m saying that in hindsight. At the time, it led to frustration, resentment, anger, ditsrust, and finally separation. And pain.
I am in a relationship like this. My wife has gone through so many things the last few years. She was pregnant three years in a row, we lost the first child and then got two very active boys. Then she almost got killed by the swine flu injection, and developed allergies. As a result she’s had depressions is now diagnosed as Borderline. Sex has been a problem for years now, usually as rare as a handfull times a year.. We have talked about it, fought about it and almost broke up over it. But.. I love her.. and I… Read more »
I think if for saying she is selfish, your looking at this wrong. This woman does not want to have sex anymore, she says ‘my own disinterest was a turn off for him anyway. He wanted me to be sexually interested, not just available’. Its not a choice she is making, its something she feels, and why would someone want to have sex with a partner who does not want to, if you know they get nothing out of it and are doing it just to make you happy. I get that not having sex is frustrating, but you don’t… Read more »
If I were in this situation, I would watch this video titled “How To Get the Sex You Want” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoYxd3E3UXU&list=PL_zdi3TflN9LjEjkqh3OwKb-l8o-ieODH) with my partner, then have both of us complete a “Want”, “Will”, “Won’t” list (apart from each other). After completing those lists, I’d meet with my partner and discuss a way (using the list information) to create a sex life that is consistent with what we’ve both identified on our separate “W”, “W”, “W” list. If that strategy didn’t work (after giving it a month or two, as a trial run), then I’d arrange for the two of us to… Read more »
Great point and wonderful advice! Most people’s definition of sex is either too narrow or too vague.
It is SO hard to make relationships work; of course there’s an element of selfishness, but there’s also give and take, or give and give. My wife sounds much like this lady: no need for sex, no desire for me at all. That’s no problem for her, but it is for me. And my wife’s said to me, ‘if you’re not happy, look elsewhere, take a lover’. But for me, sex isn’t just about sex; it’s about closeness, love, an exchange of desire, a deep contact, a self-giving, a vulnerability. And I’m deeply monogamous. And deeply frustrated!
I’m sure there are husbands who are attractive enough they can find a lover and so cool they can maintain friends with benefits relationships, but some of us had trouble dating when we were single. For about half the men, their attractiveness is dependent on being available for the kind of relationship a still married guy is not. Some guys want a romantic-sexual-intimate relationship and those are exclusive with the person one person at a time. It is an odd cruelty of evolution, that so many women, so competely, lose desire for the father of their children, but can be… Read more »