To improve our society, our men, and each other, we must stop generalizing all men as bad human beings.
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We live in a world where the battle of the sexes often feels like a battle — with social and traditional media as battlefield. #YesAllWomen spurns #NotAllMen. News stories beget cries of misogyny, then counter-cries of misandry. Feminists get called names by angry anonymous commenters, and are forced to fight back, or be silenced.
Behind the scenes, these battles are also waged in less public ways.
A girlfriend of mine doesn’t get a text back from a guy she recently slept with . . . “Men!” A man yells at me from his car window for using my phone while driving . . . “Men!” Another girlfriend complains about her dad being an alcoholic and not calling her for a long time . . . “Men!”
When I get together with friends, the grousing is amplified. Men in our generation aren’t respectful. They don’t call. They wear sweatshirts to dinner. They don’t brush their teeth. You name it, we complain about it.
“They’re all the same,” I think to myself.
But is that really true?
I, like every other woman, come from a long history of “dealing” with men. Past boyfriends have verbally abused me and pushed me around. Others have cheated on me. My dad cheated on my mom. And then there are the issues I’ve seen my friends deal with. One called the cop on her boyfriend because he was threatening to kill her through a locked door; another was forced at gunpoint to suck a guy’s dick.
It doesn’t take a psychology doctorate to understand why I, and other women, have a difficult time trusting men — or why the “Men!” lament can feel so cathartic.
But I wonder if in sharpening the dividing line between us and them, I’ve lost sight of those men who don’t belong on the battlefield at all.
Take my younger brother, who willingly learned every dance move to my choreographed rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” in our front yard when we were kids, and who’s laid next to me in bed, patting my head, while I’ve cried myself to sleep over countless breakups. Now that we live thousands of miles apart, I know he’s always just a phone call away for my venting.
There’s the guy friend I’ve known since sixth grade who helped me move stuff out of my ex-boyfriend’s apartment, and drove 45 minutes to see me the day my parents split up. He, too, is just a phone call away.
Even my father, who, yes, is a cheater, was there for every piano recital, choir performance and driving test. And I’ll never forget how, when he found out I had sex for the first time, he sat down with me to talk about it, openly and without judgment.
And then there’s the other man in my life: my boyfriend of three years who tells me my body is perfect and that he’s proud of my successes, and who doesn’t seem to mind when I stay out all night dancing with friends to ᾽80s music. He also never gives me a hard time when I am irritable and hungry, and instead, cooks for me until I feel better.
These are men that I should appreciate every day, but who I often forget the second I read another headline about a woman victimized by a man, or hear my friend complain about that nice guy who ended up being a jerk.
I’m worried that along the way of becoming such a strong feminist and having the support of other likeminded feminists behind me, I’ve forgotten the other side of the modern feminist ideal that “both men and women should have equal rights and opportunities.” While I’ve certainly taken the time to think about all the things my female friends deserve, I haven’t done the same with my male friends. Why is that? After all, they too have supported me when I was verbally abused and cheated on and had relationships end on bad terms. They too have been there.
Of course, there are plenty of men who do despicable things to women, and they deserve to be held accountable — especially in a society entrenched in the patriarchy. But not all men are the same. And the good ones deserve more credit than they get.
Some women do appreciate good men and some women don’t. It is that simple.;-)
Its not about the small percentage of men who commit crime. Its about the large majority of people doing shity things, acting poorly and treating others in negative and hurtful ways. Women are just as guilty of acting like shit heads as men are.
Of course you “have forgotten” about the equality for men part. Most feminists have. This is not a judgemental or knee-jerk reaction. It is the truth. This point is, in fact, the premise and basis of your article. That said, MOST men are supportive and caring. Defending against minority of men of who are broken, wounded and resentful is in large part the reason for the entire feminist movement: to feel safe by possessing “equal” power” as compared to men. Forgetting that “#notallmen” are interested in harming women was an easy reality to ignore in service to “the cause”. Men… Read more »
“There’s the guy friend I’ve known since sixth grade who helped me move stuff out of my ex-boyfriend’s apartment, and drove 45 minutes to see me the day my parents split up. He, too, is just a phone call away.” Who has odds that this “good” guy you’re known since you were in sixth grade that runs to your aid at the drop of a hard ad is in your corner “just a call away” would DO ANYTHING to be with you in the same way you were with the mean jerk whom you split up with. He doesn’t want… Read more »
Stop looking for appreciation or validation from others. You will be like Wiley Coyote chasing after the Roadrunner. And it will end pretty much the same.
“They too have supported me when I was verbally abused and cheated on….” I still feel betrayed and hurt by people whom I had considered friends…people who did support me and my husband in uncertain times long ago….and then they changed….as time went on….marriage and kids and careers and house buying…something changed in them…the people we had counted on once became different somehow….and they became abusive and mean and did shocking things to those around them….when we confronted them with their behavior, they refused to acknowledge it or to show any remorse….and it makes we wonder if we had really… Read more »
Thank you for the appreciation! Having someone extol the virtues of men you know, while recognizing and calling out real imperfections, goes a long way towards building community and trust. I don’t know any perfect men. But I have known men who supported me, prayed for me in hard times, listened sincerely, loved as a brother without condition, and received with gratitude my brotherly love in return. And likewise I have had women who have challenged me, encouraged me, and filled me with sisterly love. Rape, hurt, and lies are all realities in men-women relations, but so are all the… Read more »
Hell, yes!
Simply put there are old wounds on all sides of this and all too often the “advice” for ending things that’s given by one side or another usually amounts to “all of you have to stop holding our bad behaviors against us, but we still get to hold your bad behaviors against you”. Why is that? After all, they too have supported me when I was verbally abused and cheated on and had relationships end on bad terms. They too have been there. Because for some odd reason there is a belief that women are not a monolith but men… Read more »
“A girlfriend of mine doesn’t get a text back from a guy she recently slept with . . . ‘Men!” A man yells at me from his car window for using my phone while driving . . . ‘Men!’ Another girlfriend complains about her dad being an alcoholic and not calling her for a long time . . . ‘Men!'” Just thought or an observation here: Replace ‘Men’ with ‘man’ – a subtle change, but one that really makes a huge world of difference in meaning and perspective: Changing from the collective uniform plural, to the individual singular (be that… Read more »
While I’ve certainly taken the time to think about all the things my female friends deserve, I haven’t done the same with my male friends. Why is that? Reading thais article I noticed one thing: You seem to think about the world in sauch terms, that men do things, and women have things done to them. It’s the old myth of male agency and female non-agency. If you emotionally believe in that, you will think about other things in unequal terms as well. It follows necessarily. It appears that this notion of female non-agency is a deeply entrenched axiom of… Read more »
Brilliant! A very significant & succinct insight there; all I can add is ‘kudos’!
This is the whole problem right here in this article. Women cheat, abuse, neglect their children, etc… but are always coming across as the victims & never the villains. For every “bad” man there’s a “bad” woman. It goes both ways. Countless breakups equal countless boyfriends, maybe you should do a self examination & see if all those men were really the problem?
For every “bad” man there’s a “bad” woman. It goes both ways.”
Not statistically. Men are far more likely to commit nearly all forms of crime, but especially violent crime.
The DOJ compiled homicide stats from 1980 and 2008, and they found that men were 90% of total offenders.
‘Shame all’ and ‘Praise all’ by statistical probability are equally invalid.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll mention it again – correlation is not the same as causation, and gender is neither the singularly most relevant superficial demographic trait, nor the most significant individual or collective quality to define the comlexities of that subset of people who commit crime.
I agree Edmond, our present cultural reality (although changing…slowly) put us blinders on women bad behavior. So we end up finding excuses or blaming other, her boyfriend, husband or parents. Its pure misogyny and misandry, women are generally seen as mentally disabled imbeciles who are unable to make decisions of their own, and men as brute ogres. Its like living in a walt disney fantasy world.
Remove the blinders and see women (and men) as for who they are…human beings. Then you see the cartoon world crumbling and vanishing.
Sadly we humans dwell so much and too much of the negative. Perhaps that’s because negative is pain and that feels more than the positive. I understand it takes 5 positives to counteract one negative. So maybe that’s it. There’s a lot of hood men and no they don’t get the credit they deserve. From either this culture or specifically from individual women. Do starting today. One woman can make all the difference in one man’s world. What do you think?
“And then there’s the other man in my life: my boyfriend of three years who tells me my body is perfect and that he’s proud of my successes, and who doesn’t seem to mind when I stay out all night dancing with friends to ᾽80s music. He also never gives me a hard time when I am irritable and hungry, and instead, cooks for me until I feel better.”
I love this!
Sounds like my own experience.
YAY for late night dances to 80s music! 😀
Well, props for being a feminist with some sense of consistency and proportion. And sadly, you’re quite rare. But it really is that simple. And it’s a prejudice that is still widely tolerated. I was mugged just over a decade ago, and if I’d used the fact that my assailants were from a low-income area to justify being prejudiced against all poor people, society wouldn’t have nearly as much time for me as it would the people who go Men! You can say Men! and the sisterhood cheers you on. If someone were to say Blacks! or Poors! in the… Read more »
No, she is not rare. There are tons of great feminist women out there just like there are tons of great men out there that are also for equal rights. When do we stop slandering each other? Or are good women rare and good men the majority? You tell me.
You’re the one conflating “good women” with “feminist”, Erin – not me.
Yes, it *is* rare to see feminist writers correct their anti-male bias like this.
This has no bearing on the number of “good women” as mercifully I’m aware plenty of women exist who aren’t utterly buried in their own bias the way many feminists are.
Yes Oirish, I was the one who connected “good women” with “feminist” because you were the one that suggested that finding a good feminist was rare. There are lots of smart, good Feminists out there that are doing good works, writing good articles, actively supporting others and trying to make the world a better place. Just like any one else. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. Respect of who we are, respect to be who we are, and a desire to be acknowledged and treated with compassion, kindness and equality. While you may believe… Read more »
If she wasn’t rare, #notallmen wouldn’t have existed and whataboutthemenz wouldn’t either. She is VERY rare for someone willing to write an article about it, I have seen 1000’s of feminist articles, 100’s of which castigate men and treat them as the same, this is probably the first I’ve seen defending the good men. Having 99% of feminist being good but silent doesn’t do any good to the trust of feminism. When the bad apples get to spread their trash in feminism whilst the good ones are too busy fighting the good fight, how are people going to trust there… Read more »