Drop This Trait To Improve Your Dating Life

Years ago, I had a dead-end crush on a guy who seemed initially fascinating. Nothing ever happened between us, though, because although he was funny, spiritual, tall, good-looking, a self-made hard-working entrepreneur, and an incredible dancer across many different styles, Eric also had this one trait that was a big enough turn-off that I never wanted to date him.

We met through mutual friends and there was an immediate physical attraction, but one conversation with him was enough to give me orange flags, and talking to him further made me see that those flags were actually red.

A deep, bright, crimson red.

You see, Eric had a victim mentality, which is something I abhor. Like a three-year-old stomping his foot and pouting, “It’s not fair!” Eric exuded an air of sadness coupled with entitlement. It wasn’t fair that he’d worked so hard to build his business, but had to toil with his body all day. It wasn’t fair that the first girl he ever loved moved out of the country and they couldn’t continue things. It wasn’t fair that his parents wouldn’t pay for him to go to college, but spent thousands of dollars a month on the tchotchkes they collected. It wasn’t fair that all the women he’d had strong feelings for had complications (husbands, or boyfriends, or distance).

The reason so many people (myself included) dislike victim mentality is because rather than taking measures to either shift their thought process or change their circumstances, it appears that people who make these claims just want to complain. We don’t see them as being proactive and in charge of their lives; We see them as being immature, entitled, and lazy about it.

Eric could have changed his narrative. He could have said, “You know, I wish I had been able to go to college, but since I didn’t qualify for scholarships or have help paying, it lead me to start my own business, and here are all the things I learned from that experience.” Attractive!

He could have said, “I’ve met some wonderful people, but not the right one yet,” and left it at that. Attractive! He could have taken a look internally and tried to figure out why he kept choosing unavailable women, or why he had that sense that he was owed certain things (and realized that he is not). Any one of these would have made him more attractive.

I wrote before about why this thought pattern so disturbs me. Briefly, I was very ill in my teens and early 20’s, and it didn’t feel good to my soul to just waste away on the couch, mired in self-pity. So, I started looking for answers, treatments, and any additional modalities that would help me feel better. Eventually, I parlayed my biggest weakness (my illness) into a strength. I started a business that would help others in similar shoes, and have been proud of what I’ve accomplished. I also know that I’m not any more special than anyone else; anyone could do what I did, so perhaps I struggle to have endless empathy for people who cling to the idea that some outside force is preventing them from being happy about where they are in life.
Not attractive.

People are drawn to others who are confident, competent, and capable. Unless they want to control or parent their partner, they aren’t often attracted to people who carry a victim mentality, because it’s exhausting to be around that kind of negativity. If blaming external circumstances for the challenges you’ve faced is something that you catch yourself doing often, try to evaluate how you can reframe the situation, or what steps you can take to change it.

I promise, it will make you way more attractive.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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