Energy Audit #1: Dead-End Relationships

You remember that the last time you were staring at your phone after yet another conversation that had left you feeling off, again, you let out a sigh, but you can’t tell if it is relief, exhaustion, or defeat.

Welcome to one of the energy leaks you rarely see coming: unsupportive relationships. You know, those that always leave you feeling a little emptier. feeling like you just gave something away you didn’t mean to give.

In this first installment of the energy audit series, we will not be talking about the all so obvious energy vampires, a.k.a. toxic people who yell and throw stuff. We are going to focus on the slow leaks: people you may actually love and keep around, who may not scream or argue, but still reduce you.

“We are going to focus on the slow leaks.”

What those relationship leeches really look like:

It is that friend who pretends to listen with one ear while scrolling on their phone; someone who jokes about your ambitions, but then is never shy to ask for a loan; a partner who offers only silence when you really need a comforting, soothing shoulder to cry on.

Also, note that it is not exactly just what they do ( or don’t do), it is also how you feel afterward:

emotionally depleted;
second-guessing yourself;
reluctant to share next time; and
wasting your mental energy rewriting the conversation in your head a dozen different ways.

So, if you are consistently feeeling worse after talking to certain people, pay attention! What is going on is your nervous system is telling you to stop pouring from an empty cup, or stop watering dead plants… You get the idea.

“If you are consistently feeling worse after talking to certain people, pay attention!”

The usual suspects:

It is a good idea at this point that we just go ahead and label the energy-draining archetypes so you can spot them more easily:

The constant critic with whom your flaws are always front and center, and you feel like you are on trial more than in a conversation. The tell here is their constant negative output.
The competitor. With these guys, your joy is like a scoreboard for them, meaning everything is a race, and to them, all your wins are losses for them.
The negative Nancys and Nicks, who no list is complete without. Doom is their love language.
Those always in a world of their own who are conversational black holes where all your words go in but nothing comes out. Sometimes they even ask questions but then don’t wait for answers, or worse, they just laugh that laugh.
The fair-weather friend who, as you have guessed, only shows up when it is fun (or they need something), but is gone when it gets even a little cloudy.
The passive aggressor who has mastered the art of the backhanded compliment and is never afraid to show it. That and the silent treatment, convolusion, gaslighting, blowing hot and cold, etc, etc.

“It is not exactly just what they do ( or don’t do), it is also how you feel afterward”

Why we stay

If you are thinking of all the reasons you can’t simply just walk away from that which is draining you, you aren’t the only one. There are a ton of reasons why many of us remain trapped just like you: fear of loneliness, loyalty, guilt, pressure, etc.

It is almost like that saying, the devil we know is better than the devil we don’t, is encoded in our DNA. What is more is that we can’t always just delete all we have shared with some people, or ignore that creeping sense of guilt for setting boundaries.

However, one thing is undeniable: making space for someone in your life who continues to empty you isn’t love. It is more like self-abandonment.

“What is more is that we can’t always just delete all we have shared with some people, or ignore that creeping sense of guilt for setting boundaries.”

Recharging: where you have to get tactical.

You see, knowing who is draining you is only half the audit; the real trick is protecting your energy like the finite resource it is. So, know who empties you, and if you just think back to the last 3 interactions that left you tired, the patterns will reveal themselves.

Next, set boundaries, whether they be time, emotional, or conversation boundaries. If you need to, you can just skip that call or postpone the meet. If it is unavoidable, you should be present, but don’t absorb.

Lower the bar strategically and stop expecting support from someone who has never offered it before. Let go. Some people only know how to take, and so the only loving act left is to leave.

Finally, focus your energy on those who get it and get you. On your part, you can be the person you wish someone else were for you. Join groups, attend events, send that awkward DM because your people are looking for you, too.

So, which relationship will you audit first this week?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.