How can I be happy?
Most people don’t say it. But one way or another we all wonder about it.
Just ask somebody why they’re doing something. Ask why 5 times and you’ll see.
Happiness for Beginners: Objective Experience vs. Awareness— image created by the author
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We all search for fulfillment. But it can’t work. It’s like filling a leaky bucket. With effort, you can get it pretty full. But it just won’t last.
It doesn’t matter what your water is: Money, career, relationships, or likes on social media.
Even if you acquire the ultimate experience that you long for. Your happiness won’t last.
It’s the same reason why so many professional athletes go into depression quite shortly after a big win.
How many people have found their soulmate they have been looking for only to break up 3 years later?
We project our happiness onto external objects or people. And for as long as that object or person seems to fulfill us we say I love that object or person.
But it never lasts. And then we blame the thing.
So which approach is most likely to lead to lasting happiness?
Let’s compare some.
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Example 1: Addiction
I start with the most extreme example to emphasize my point. Chasing highs is a short-lived strategy for happiness.
Addiction and happiness over time — image created by the author
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Imagine you’re a heroin addict. Struggle and pain — until you get your shot.
Blissfulness shortly after injecting your dose. A warm feeling in the heart, calmness, and beauty everywhere. That’s what they say.
Then it wears off.
The pain is coming back. All those neurotransmitters that made you feel amazing are approaching an all-time low.
The only way out is the next dose.
And so the cycle continues.
But as you see in the above graphic, with addiction the overall trend is always downwards. Your body gets used to the stuff. You need more and more of it.
In many cases, it leads to death.
This is an extreme example. But the underlying principles are similar to the life most of us are living.
Let’s look at a more common path.
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Example 2: Career and Money
CEOs and senior executives, lawyers, etc. don’t strike me as the happiest people. Often they are unhealthy, overweight, and angry. Arrogance is not a sign of a fulfilled life. It’s a sign of insecurity.
But they have status, wealth, and a big car!
Let’s see.
Imagine you’re a mid-level manager trying to move up the corporate ladder.
You’re managing a difficult project. Every morning’s a juggle between too much coffee and too little sleep.
You’re so close to the finish line now. Finalizing one more project and getting the promotion that comes with it. So you work through it.
No pain, no gain.
Your manager invites you for your yearly review. Your anticipation is high. Anticipation for reward. You’re dopamine kicks in. You feel good. Happiness goes up.
And boom there it is. Just like that, you’re a Senior Manager. You take the night off and celebrate with your partner. All your happy hormones are celebrating with you. Good times.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks. New position, new responsibilities. You’re now steering several projects.
Your paycheck is bigger but so’s the pile of work on your desk. And so are your boss’s expectations. You have to deliver. Stress kicks in again. Long working days.
You’re family feels neglected and the constant pressure is taking its toll on your body.
One day you stand in front of the mirror looking into a greyish face. Your favorite shirt doesn’t really fit anymore. And what’s this subtle but notable ache in your back?
The next promotion is in 2 years. If your performance is outstanding.
A nagging doubt crosses your mind. Why am I doing this again?
The buzzing of your phone sets an abrupt end to this rare moment of reflection.
Mr. Smith, the client is waiting for you.
You rush to the conference room.
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It’s always the same. Like a donkey with a carrot dangling in front of it. See the below graphic. You chase something, you reach it, and you feel good. But it doesn’t last.
Career-focused life and happiness— image created by the author
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As long as we chase objective experiences such as a career and money, the happiness we reach can only be temporary.
We’re subject to constantly changing circumstances like a leave in the wind.
So which form of living will get us long-term happiness?
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Example 3: Awareness & Purpose
When I first heard the term Awareness I thought of a monk in a monastery, meditating ten hours a day for years.
That’s not for me. I don’t want to meditate for 10 hours or live in a monastery.
But in my search for happiness, I came across the idea of awareness again and again.
Awareness is about learning how to let everything go and connect to your true self. That’s all it is.
Some refer to it as Enlightenment.
But isn’t that a long process only achievable by the selected few meditating for years?
Wrong. It’s accessible to anyone at any time. You don’t even have to meditate at all.
Enlightenment is when a wave realizes it is the ocean. — Thich Nhat Hanh
We can train it like any other skill. All we have to do is bring our attention back to the present moment. Again and again whenever we notice that the mind starts wandering.
We become aware of being aware. We realize we’re not the body or the mind.
We detach from all the drama around us. Things that used to trigger us seem at a far distance. We see them and just let them be. They help us grow.
We have freed ourselves of the shackles of the ego.
Awareness-based life and happiness — image created by the author
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This Awareness-based life has fewer fluctuations in your emotional state.
Buddhist wisdom teaches us:
Suffering = Pain x Resistance
Being aware means letting go of any resistance.
Hence, whenever we experience awareness we eliminate or reduce our suffering.
No Suffering = Happiness
Hence, the awareness-based life is at a higher level of happiness by default.
The trend is slightly up because the more we practice awareness the stronger our Awareness-muscle becomes. Like any skill over time, exercise makes you better.
While at the beginning it might be limited to short periods, over time we become more aware throughout the day.
It’s not only the best chance to reach lasting blissfulness. It’s the only one.
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Conclusion
Let’s face facts: No object, no marvelous relationship, no particular state of mind, no drug, and no amount of wealth can give us lasting happiness.
As long as our desire for happiness is invested in objective experience we will always try to replace one experience for another.
We are constantly chasing. Like a hamster in a wheel.
Once we understand that no experience can bring us happiness then our motive to seek the next thing — whatever that may be — diminishes.
Comparison of the 3 paths to happiness — image created by the author
This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play. — Alan Watts
Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting something.
It doesn’t mean that we no longer have any desire or that we don’t think I’d like to watch a movie or see a friend.
But our desires are no longer motivated by our search for happiness. They come from a sense of fulfillment. We are constantly operating at a higher default level of happiness.
There is nothing at this moment that could stop us from being happy right now. It’s a choice.
What are you experiencing right now?
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Learn how to use the power of the breath for (mental-)health.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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