As a high school senior in Honolulu, I dreamed of attending the University of California at Berkeley. I applied to the highly competitive Berkeley’s School of Electrical Engineering. I tried my best. I studied so very hard at Iolani, the private school my parents spent a lot of money for me to attend.
I got good grades, but my SAT scores sucked: 1120. My test score was my demise; I didn’t get into Berkeley. I was so disappointed and angry. Really, I was straight-up scared. My rejection outed that I was a loser.
Back then, I only had school and my grades. I was the unattractive, short, fat nerd, not good at any sport. I even quit Aikido, the only physical discipline I was good at, so that I could concentrate on my studies. I had to get into a good university. I had to get into Berkeley. I just had to. I had nothing else.
At 18 years old, I had forsaken ever having a girlfriend, much less getting a date. After all, I looked in the mirror. I got it. I didn’t think that I was good enough for anyone, much less myself. Years later with my therapist, Lance, I distinguished the voice in my head, “I’m no good,” was my dad’s voice.
I didn’t get into my dream school. I would never date the pretty girl. Hell, I was never going to be strong enough. Now, I wasn’t even smart enough. I was so fucked. My 18 year old’s life sentence.
My top college choices were a bust. I attended the University of Hawaii, back home. I did okay in my undergraduate studies. Then I met Dr. Tom in graduate school. He taught me the value of the big picture. Any complex concept or idea could be told in a simple story that people could get. Engineering evolved as invention, as art. That inspired me.
After Graduate School, I moved to Los Angeles for a satellite systems engineer job. I’ve enjoyed my 30-plus year career working on complex satellite programs and collaborating with amazing people. Those like Chuck, Ron, and Darin have become lifelong friends. They’re like family.
In graduate school, I worked out and exercised. I got into weight training and aerobics. I got healthier, lost a lot of weight. I looked better, started feeling better about myself, too. When I moved to Los Angeles, I found a YMCA near work, even before I found an apartment.
One day, my friend Charlie, from the YMCA, invited me to check out an Aikido class in West Los Angeles. I still had a love for Aikido. I had practiced Aikido for about 3 years when I was 12 years old.
At the Aikido dojo, I met Mizukami Sensei. Thus, began our 25-year Aikido journey together. Sensei taught me Aikido. He taught me what it is to be a good man, what I missed growing up at home. Sensei didn’t ask me to be like him. He created the space for me to invent my greater-than versions. He gave me permission to make him the Father, I needed to become the greater man.
Sensei passed away several years ago. I honor his legacy. Sensei said, “Just train.” It’s not like I have to get somewhere. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei. Mizukami taught both of us. We take life’s glancing blows for what’s meaningful, serve others in perpetuating Sensei’s legacy.
When I got promoted to Godan (5th-degree black belt), I thanked Ishibashi Sensei. Sensei smiled, “It’s from Mizukami Sensei. He wanted to promote you before he passed.” That was meaningful. Perhaps, Sensei’s acknowledgment literally coming from the other side. I pass on all that I got from Mizukami Sensei. Always mad love and respect to Ishibashi Sensei and the late Mizukami Sensei.
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Several years ago, I got laid off from a government satellite program because of major funding reductions. I had to change careers. I took a job that I believed served a noble cause. However, the job was undermined in the intentions, at least for me. The experience resurrected my depression and my unresolved childhood fear of my dad.
According to my therapist, Lance, I suffered from depression and had a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). We worked to heal the aftermath of my abusive relationship with Dad. His voice, “You’re not good enough.” had become my own. I was master of hating on me. Grinding it out, putting the work with Lance, I started to love and forgive me.
I vehemently dismissed Lance’s suggestions that I date women. He asked me to list the attributes I wanted in a woman in a romantic relationship. Honestly, I had no fucking interest in composing such a list. So, I looked at the movies that I loved to define what I wanted in a romantic relationship. I looked at “Meet Joe Black” starring Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt. Years ago, I met “Meet Joe Black” co-star Marcia Gay Harden at a bike shop in Venice Beach. We had an amazing conversation about movies and life. That resonated over the years.
Instead of composing a simple list, I wrote a book. WTF? In writing the book, I looked at what I feared, what I loved. I looked at my life as a whole. I shared my book with my dear high school friend Ken. We have been friends for over 40 years. Ken was the two-time bestselling author.
Ken said that there was an audience for my book. He said that it was very difficult to get a publisher, that I should self-publish. So, I did. I copyrighted as Ken recommended. No, my book was no fairytale bestseller. I sold about 3 dozen copies. Five of them, I bought for other people and myself. Since the book’s release, I’ve generated nearly 3 figures in income. That really impressed my tax accountant Carole. Just saying.
On the self-publishing journey, I met Cheryl Hunter, who is the personal resilience expert and news media commentator. Cheryl graciously offered invaluable insight into self-publishing. She was the two-time bestselling author, too. Cheryl taught me the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi: The beauty in our imperfection. We both shared past trauma in our youth, as well. That was meaningful.
Cheryl got me to profoundly look a kindness. She said, “Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself.” That altered the way in which I viewed the world, and myself. Nothing, but mad love and respect to Cheryl. She’s the bravest, kindest, and most fun person I know on Planet Earth.
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My best friend and former program manager Chuck hooked me up with a satellite systems engineering job back in the Industry. Now, I work with amazingly talented people, defining satellite system requirements, doing what I love to do.
I continued to heal with Aikido, meditation, therapy, and writing. Ken introduced me to Lisa Blacker, Editor for The Good Men Project. Since then, Lisa and I have generated over 500 posts on The Good Men Project and Medium. I write about loving and forgiving thine own self. Perhaps, we make some difference in the world. At least that’s my hope. Lisa is also a book publisher. We’re working on publishing my books together.
My Hero, Cystic Fibrosis activist, the late Claire Wineland said, “Have a life that you’re proud of.” That being said, I’m proud of my life. I’m exactly where I should be. That’s a long way from the angry frightened high school senior, who didn’t get into his dream college, who thought his life was fucked. Looking back, I have mad love and compassion for my 18-year-old self. I was just young and stupid. Things have a way of working out. Just saying.
Life unfolds and reveals itself in the unexpected and surprising. What’s ideal might really be some story I made up. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” I make my life work. I have nothing to prove. I’m proud of my life.
Just train. Grind it out. Make life work. Having a life that you love, that you’re proud of is a distinct possibility. You’re exactly where you should be. Just saying.
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